Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

[butterfly172]

Hi,
I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'm about to get married to a wonderful man and I'm a step-parent to his 3 adult children, whom all accept me and me them.

However, since my SD had her baby, I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Does anyone have any advice? Feeling like I'm stuck in a rut of life and don't know what my purpose is if not a parent.

To live and enjoy my life!

Sorry, but you are questioning your purpose in life at 42?
What have you been doig up until now? And why do you think being a mother is the only purpose of a woman's life?

No

HTH

Am also child free by choice and have never struggled with this.

I have a busy, senior-level career which seeks to do some good in the world, a few fulfilling hobbies which I am aiming to develop mastery of, and work hard to maintain deep, loving relationships with DH, my mother, friends and family. I also volunteer when I have spare time, read a lot and try to think carefully about the world.

My purpose? To use whatever talents and skills I have to do what I can to make the world - and the lives of the people around me - better, or at least not to make anything worse!

Being a mother is a wonderful thing, but not the only opportunity for a woman to have a purpose.

What do you think your purpose in life is, OP?
What do you feel like you’re missing out on?

I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Not sure I understand this? Is a womans purpose to be a mum?

The whole meaning of life is that there really is no meaning 😀 We are a biological accident, both as a species and as individuals... As individuals, we need to construct our own meanings... So do what fulfils you, do what gives you peace of mind, and do good in the world. 😊

I think the nice thing about 'purpose' is you get to pick it, to a greater or lesser extent.

I'm committed to being the kind of adult in the lives of the young people around me that their parents can't be (because they're busy doing the hard work of parenting).

I throw myself into my female friendships, to be an uplifting force in their lives and make our platonic relationships as beautiful and nourishing and important as romantic ones.

I focus on exploring the weirdnesses and depths of being a human being in the world – psychology, philosophy, nature... we only get one go at being a person, as far as I know, so I want to notice and soak up as much of the experience as I can, in as many different ways as possible.

I delight in being a part of a community, and try to nourish that community feeling in lots of ways (volunteering, chatting to everyone, connecting people who don't know one another), leaving a legacy of sorts in the memories of the people who live in my neighbourhood.

And on a bigger level, something that really matters to me is people's connection with nature. I wish we all had more of it in our lives, and that people were able to slow down and feel the benefits of being off-screen and 'in the green', so I'm currently starting to build a small business around that.

You'll get a battering on here for asking the question, OP, but I get it – and it's a great question for anyone to ask themselves at any time in life. Ignore the sh*tty comments.

If you start off by thinking about the things that feel most important to you in life, what does that spark for you?

I almost didn’t become a mother, and the feelings you express were my biggest fear.

On reflection though, there’s a LOT of potential purpose if you use your time and energy constructively. Look around you. How can you help? Volunteer, organise, enjoy!!

You get to live your life as the main character throughout making all decisions for your own benefit. There must be a lot of freedom and lack of fear in that. There is no purpose to life, it is just a session that begins and ends hopefully not too painfully. You're vaguely remembered by the next two generations of your own family (maybe), but you're dead so who cares.

Your SD has had a baby, if you want to be involved you could focus on being a wonderful grandma.

No. I'm child free and have never felt like this. I love my life.

This with big brass bells on.

I did have kids, and I thought it was my purpose and identity, but it was not.

Of course, I love them to bits, but they are not me; I am me. Being a mum and wife is a very small part of me.

I think it's not uncommon for women of your age to get thoughts about having their own children as time starts to run out. Irrespective of having none. Just to double check you are sure before options limit themselves.

I did question another too at your age, and I had already had two.

You need to spilt children and purpose in life up. And work on both separately.

I think it's for you to define your purpose. Being a mum does provide a sense of purpose for many women, but it certainly isn't the only way of living a life with meaning and significance.

What is it that is important to you? What brings you joy? What difference do you want to make to the world? What will give you satisfaction at the end of your life when you look back over what you've done? What do you want people to say about you at your funeral? What kind of legacy, if any, do you want to leave behind?

There are no right answers. Only the answers that are right for you.

I feel like I'm missing out on a bond in life that other's experience. An insensitive person once told me, "you don't know love until you have a child", which makes me feel like all other "loves" are inferior.

I actually do get this. I was happily child free and then in my mid to late 30s I did start to think ‘I have a really nice life but isn’t there something more?’ I joined some campaigning groups but they didn’t really fill the void.

I ended up with two kids in my early 40s after a late hormonal surge made me unbearably broody ( later learnt this is a Thing some women get at around this age). I have now found a couple of causes I am passionate about and feel frustrated about how little time I have to give to them due to the kids. So you know, the grass is always greener… 😁

It’s an extremely normal human thing to think ‘isn’t there more? What is the purpose/ meaning of my life?’. Spend some time thinking about who you are and spend time trying lots of new stuff till you find what makes you feel alive and invigorated or purposeful, and dedicate time to that. That would be my advice.

I'm in a professional career but outside of that, I'm feel like I'm just "existing". I need to find some hobbies that fulfill me.

Don't know what op's age has to do with it, a sense of purpose and what brings fulfilment can change and it's good to re-evaluate as time goes on.

37 and very happily and deliberately childfree. I struggle to understand the notions of "purpose" and "meaning" - does life need to have a bigger, more noble "purpose" than making your own choices and living your own life however you want it? To me it's simple, I don't like children and I chose not to have one. I work full time at a job I like very much, I adore my partner (he's my soul mate - vomit inducing, I know), we have an elderly cat who we adore, and I have lots of hobbies and interests. We travel very frequently. I feel genuinely happy. Apologies if I missed the point of the thread which was the "purpose", but as I said I struggle to resonate with it - it just sounds like a rod you create for your own back.

Look I understand what you're getting as I'm child free but choice as well. Having children gives you a focus doesn't it? Not so much a purpose.

i would go with accepting that life is just life. Lots of people imagine child free means volunteering, so much leisure time, long haul holidays, facials, you name it. However it just means your focus in the day is on everything but raising or worrying about another human. You don't NEED to have a focus or purpose. You just live life.

I think you're feeling like you do because of hormones. In our forties it's common for our bodies to try to make us broody, kind of a "last hoorah" to get us to reproduce. You're probably feeling it a bit now there's a newborn in the family. Wait a few years when the baby is a child and you'll remember why you chose to be child free.

From a personal perspective, I'm a little bit older than you, and my purpose is to help animals both in my job and my personal life, and I felt being a mother actually held me back from fulfilling my purpose to its potential. It's only now my children are grown that I can commit further with my purpose.

We have a number of close friends and relatives who don’t have DC but are happily married or with long term partners. Most take a great interest in nephews and nieces. Plus are God parents several times over. Many are keen on their jobs, and status achieved, which they appear to think largely defines them. Not all have gone down the career route. Others are largely pleasing themselves for the majority of the time and haven’t worked at much at all in terms of a career.

Some childless friends tend to be “me first” sort of people and expect others to agree with them and it’s noticeable they struggle to compromise. So their choice of hotel, restaurant, day out etc. It’s a total luxury to be able to do that and I’m not sure they realise it. If you do not have the purpose of “you” then be the best step mum you can be. Make them the new purpose.

We are all "just existing". No matter the number of children or hobbies that we have.

This is how I feel it is, I wasn't broody before SD got pregnant and I was a bit blindsided by the feelings.
I defo feel like I need to do more in my life to enjoy my time, the days slip by!