Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

[butterfly172]

Hi,
I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'm about to get married to a wonderful man and I'm a step-parent to his 3 adult children, whom all accept me and me them.

However, since my SD had her baby, I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Does anyone have any advice? Feeling like I'm stuck in a rut of life and don't know what my purpose is if not a parent.

I'm far too busy spending all the money I would have had to spend on children on myself to worry about not having a purpose 😂

I think you have 4 main options:

1. Have a baby if you feel that this is something that will give you purpose (at 42 it is not too late to have one biologically, but you could also look at fostering or adoption).

1. Devote your life to giving back to the planet, the community or a charity close to your heart: volunteer in a school/hospital/hospice/care home/charity shop, raise money or awareness for a rare medical disorder, buy some land and plant some trees...

1. Throw yourself full force into whatever brings you the most joy: writing, painting, dancing, gardening, knitting, pottery, gaming, travelling, cooking, theatre, art, restoring old motorbikes, learning new things...

1. Continue living your life and assume that your life has just as much purpose and meaning as every other human on the planet regardless of their parental status.

@Touty Yes she does- she’s travelled with and supported bands her win the U.K. Full of confidence, very fun, amazing character! I don’t think it’s a lot of money, but enough for petrol, campsite fees and food. She’s a very good singer, also plays brass very well, can read music and so on.

Oh don't get me wrong, I don't regret my little one, not for a second. My DC is my world. But I had a purpose (and a great life) before having children and I kind of miss that purpose, while not taking anything away from how much I adore my DC. It's just very different.

Reminds me of Kathy Burke 🤣

Are you thinking that you actually would like to have a child? Maybe it would be good to say some of what you’re feeling out loud to people in your life, especially your husband.

Somebody once disingenuously asked me with faux concern and a head tilt what on earth I was going to do when I’m old without any children to look after me.

Well, you know all those hundreds of thousands of pounds you’ll be spending on nursery, and swimming classes, and tutors, and school dinners, and Clark’s school shoes which cost the earth, and driving lessons, and university fees? See, I’m using my hundreds of thousands of pounds that I’m not spending on those things to make additional pension contributions, investing, and buying buy to let property. I think I’ll be pretty well covered for retirement and care with my money without expecting my poor adult kids to come and help me get dressed or wipe my butt.

I don't know. I've never had a grand 'purpose', but I think most of us don't, really, kids or not. If I wasn't here, it would bother the tiniest percentage of people on this planet. Frankly, to be blunt, that's most of us average folk.

We matter to those that love us. We do our work well. We might do some volunteering, make a bit of a difference to a small number of people, or raise funds so that the clever people can cure more people.

I make up the numbers. I am not gifted, or clever. I hope I make people smile rather than curse, and someone's day might be brighter for seeing me, but when all's said and done, there isn't a lot of point to my existence. If I had kids, my value would be to them, sure, but I wouldn't say I'd have more purpose. Just more work.

I have two kids and am early forties. They am also broody. It is entirely hormonal - my logical brain does not want any more kids, but every couple of months my hormones flare.

Back tot the real topic - you seem to be seeking connection. Try out some volunteering, new hobbies, etc.

I agree with you. By the same token, I'd be happy not to hear or see the word 'breeders' ever again applied to humans. It's ugly and judgemental and because it suggests that the 'wrong' sort of people are 'breeding' there's the flavour of eugenics about it. I'm one of five myself and although it didn't always make life comfortable and convenient (shared bedrooms, rows over what to watch on the TV, taking it in turns to have Mum and Dad's attention) you aren't lesser and nor are your parents.

I'm a mum. It has been agonisingly painful, stressful and has made me question everything again and again. This and severe illness forced me to look at fulfilment and purpose in ways I probably wouldn't have before.

Alot depends on your nature. Are you creative? Or want to be? Are you a lover of animals and nature. I find great connection with animals and even love tbh. Even my plants. I taught myself guitar and it is one of the most joyful experiences of my life to learn and play songs that I love. I didn't ever think I would be capable of that. I re discovered writing, poetry and reading and learning. It turns out these were things I loved when I was young and life just took over,as it does.

If you're married, I see how it might feel difficult to find any time for all this stuff outside working.

I would think back to when you were young, a child, what you loved, what you wanted to do and see if you can re ignite that again.

I agree so much regards the biological imperitave. When you think the male preying mantis have their heads removed and eaten by the female post coitus; they surely know this by now! Well, that tells me everything 😆.

I'm now mid 40s. I used to look at babies and go awww, adorable. Now, I genuinely look and think ' ugh, gross'.

What I think this is, pure and simple, is a biological, hormonal shift in me.

I'm now mid 40s. I used to look at babies and go awww, adorable. Now, I genuinely look and think ' ugh, gross'.

I've always been the latter. Never once looked at a baby or child and felt anything remotely like I'd describe as a broody feeling. Mostly indifferent, sometimes just "ugh".

Would love to know what the biological/evolutionary explanation for people like me is! (Am probably carrying serial killer genes or something).

I'm the same but I feel the "aww cute" jealous when I see people with kittens or puppies (or any cute animal really). I just don't see that with babies. Do you?

Bizarre that so many people with kids are commenting on this thread.

I struggled with purpose until I started my own business. It's the most amazing, all-consuming, crazy thing. I get to help people and I make a lot of money doing it. I have a ton more freedom than anyone with a job or child.

We also foster animals and host refugees.

Long term plan is to have a bunch of conveniently located rental properties just for low tier NHS staff at really low rates so they can save for their forever home and have no commuting costs.

If I wasn't doing that I'd be travelling. We're planning to live in Canada for six months next year since you can do that on a tourist visa and still work remotely.

None of my close friends have kids either. We hang out a lot, often last minute, go to shows and concerts, eat out, go to the pub, cinema etc. A couple of them only have part time jobs because they earn enough to fund a simple lifestyle for just them and prefer to have the time for their hobbies.

But yeah for me purpose was a really big one. I have to be doing something bigger than myself, I think most people with kids have very inward-facing lives and don't really care they're stuck in cycles of ferrying kids around, cooking and laundry. It would drive me insane.

Do you have many friendships, OP? Of all kinds? Deep friendships, where there’s mutual true love and care and support; people who you just have outrageously good fun and laughs with; people who you know you can rely on and who, in turn, know can rely on you; a community where you share things? If not, are you in a position to build on them some more?

Thinking on where I find a lot of purpose in my life, it’s in my many wonderful friendships. From the very deep stuff, like helping my friend through the recent stress and worry she’s experienced as a result of some workplace bullying and being put on a performance plan, and talking with her for hours about how she approaches this, and working with her on her CV and interview technique to begin looking elsewhere; to the just immense fun and silliness I have with the group we’re going to Burning Man with this summer, planning out our mutant vehicle build and our camp activities and logistics for driving it all from Utah to Nevada in a u-haul; to debating away about something and learning from others and reshaping my own world view by listening to their views; to whiling away a sunny Sunday afternoon in somebody’s garden chatting about all aspects of our lives and just knowing that we all have these connections and this meaning to each other. We’re essentially each other’s chosen family, and closest confidantes.

One of the joys and luxuries about not having parenting to focus on as top priority is the opportunity to really build into our friendships and our sources of and ways to give support and love to others that way.

Love baby animals. I have the same sorts of aversions, though, with both - I don't want to see either with food all over their faces, I don't want to deal with their poo, and I don't particularly like the fact that their owners/guardians get to decide whether or not they can jump up on me.

Well, not cats so much. Cats don't have owners, they do whatever the heck they want.

But baby animals are definitely, in my view, way, way, way cuter than baby humans.

Bizarre that so many people with kids are commenting on this thread.

I'm not surprised. I swear if MN did a count there'd be more posts from parents on the MNetters without children board than from childless and childfree people. 😂

I often wonder at women who decided not to have kids, I just find it fascinating. I can’t imagine my life without my kids but is it a case of never missing what you didn’t have. I’d imagine it gets lonely in old age.

This old chestnut! Having children is no guarantee of company in old age. Ask anybody who works in care of the elderly, they’ll tell you about people who are in nursing homes and don’t see visitors from one end of the year to the other.

People who are childfree are also more likely to have long lasting deep friendships, IME, as they’ve had the time and interest to invest in them. They haven’t disappeared from a friendship for a decade or more to focus on raising kids and then reappeared somewhat bewildered when the friends are not there waiting to be picked up again.

I think the other thing that perhaps influenced my thinking was that I found myself having to make a stark choice between delaying surgery for something that if left for very long would likely kill me, in order to freeze my eggs, or going ahead and losing my fertility at 32 years old.

It was literally "possibility of kids but you'll likely die vs you will almost certainly not die", and I wasn't prepared to risk dying for it. I do know some women would've chosen differently (one of my colleagues told me, when I went back to work, that she'd have chosen death over not having her kids - that was fun), but it just didn't seem like a sensible idea for someone who'd never had any broodiness to begin with.

It was in reality a lot more difficult and horrible than I'm making it sound, but having it set out so clearly to me made it easier than it would've been if I'd had the opportunity remaining open to me all through my 30s.

This is exactly the sort of attitude that rankles. It’s not that “fascinating”: I’m childfree because I never felt the desire to have children in my life, and I think that children deserve to be wanted. Why would I have children who wouldn’t be wanted?

Why will old age be lonely? If I didn’t want children in my life, why would I want grandchildren? Surely most people, parents or not, also look to other sources of companionship and love through their lives - such as their spouse, their friends, their community, their pets? Your adult children coming to visit you are only going to play a very tiny role in your overall matrix of connections and socialising - especially if they have busy lives of their own and, as is increasingly common, they move a distance away.

All of this. Besides, with so many adult children going no contact these days, it's even less of a guarantee.

@wishiwasjoking you think it’s bizarre that mums are posting on a thread about wanting to be a mum, on a forum called mumsnet? I think it’s more bizarre that you’re on Mumsnet saying negative things about parents!

I don’t have a “life’s purpose” but I don’t see why I need one?

My purpose is just to find little things and big things to take pleasure in day by day.

And I’m not even childfree. I am childless by circumstance.