Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

[butterfly172]

Hi,
I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'm about to get married to a wonderful man and I'm a step-parent to his 3 adult children, whom all accept me and me them.

However, since my SD had her baby, I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Does anyone have any advice? Feeling like I'm stuck in a rut of life and don't know what my purpose is if not a parent.

It's not the purpose of any woman to have children. Not one. If they choose to and can then that's what they do.

Anybody who would suggest that it's a woman's purpose would get short shrift from me - and I have children. I'm a person in my own right and they are not my reason for being.

... and if men could do it, childbearing would be looked at very differently.

OP what were the reasons you chose not to have children? Surely those reasons still stand?

There is not such thing as a "purpose" in life. You are just here for a few years and then you die. Try to make the best of out it and have fun in the meantime. That is all there is to it.

Agree 💯 it's your purpose because it's your priority and your world, but it's not a purpose like finding the cure for cancer

Does lying in every weekend, drinking wine at lunchtime, going on holiday at the drop of a hat and loving freedom count as having a purpose?

Hmm, sounds like you're trying to convince yourself of something here.

Some women may indeed have kids because they think it's expected, and some women may have kids and then regret it. But many more become parents because they actively want to, and many will consider it to be the best thing that they have ever done.

I think it's fine to be child free if you want to be, and I completely get that many women live incredibly happy and fulfilling lives without parenthood ever being a part of that. All power to them.

But if you need to keep telling yourself that women with kids are all secretly regretting their choices but unable to admit it, I can't help but wonder if you might have some unresolved feelings about not having children that you may need to address.

On a purely base level apart from reproduction no animal is here for a reason other than to continue the species. We are however more sophisticated though I did not say better than other animals. Top of the food chain we have more complex choices, even the folk nearer the bottom of the pile with less resources have more choices than many other animals.

The best way to look at it is to do as little harm as possible and enjoy life as much as possible.

Haven’t rtft but children don’t give you a purpose. They give you a focus so all-consuming that you don’t actually have time to reflect on things like your “purpose” and so on. At least not until they’re older, when those questions are likely to return.

It’s good to have a distraction from thinking about myself but I also feel sometimes that the other things I’d like to do with my life are passing me by because I simply don’t have the capacity alongside being a mother.

Ignore that person who is an awful mix of arrogant, ignorant and insensitive. Imagine thinking that their life experience is universal, imagine not understanding that not everyone has the same wants and desires as them, the same sense of purpose, same experiences of love and connection. Love is very subjective. There’s no way to actually objectively quantify love. How dare that person try and diminish the love you have experienced in your life by telling you that the love they’ve experienced is greater. It’s so patronising, ignorant and arrogant. You could respond by telling them you pity them for not having experienced the depth of love you experienced all your life until they had a child, and how sorry you are for them that their life lacked that love for so long- bet they wouldn’t like their experiences questioned and their love diminished like that!

It does for me. I'm so with you on this.

Gosh -live and enjoy your life and freedom OP! The world is your oyster, what’s holding you back?

Be the best step mum/ grandma if that’s what you want. It’s a big commitment though or can be if you are relied on for childcare/ school runs etc.

All this “it’s my biggest love” business, sounds a bit silly. Does that mean anyone who doesn’t have a child is somehow less? Ridiculous. If anything children can hold you back in terms of a career or keep you in a job you don’t like because you need a good income (or feel that you need to).

I have a good friend, in her sixties and she’s off travelling around the U.S in her van. Very remote and amazing locations. Her children are grown and she left the family home. She supports herself with singing. She’s probably an illegal at this point! It wouldn’t be for me but she loves it- the very definition of a free spirit. She’s even taken on a stray dog. Made lots of friends etc.

I think you wanted to be a Mum deep down and are now regretting your choice?

I’m child free, mid 40s, married, but it was never a choice - it just never occurred to me to have children. I didn’t consciously think ‘I am choosing not to have children’

You really don’t needs purpose. You didn’t ask to be born. Just live.

That's both right and wrong.

The love for your child is completely different to any other love. Can't deny that. But, that doesn't mean you don't know love. You know familial love. You know romantic love. You know platonic love. You know the love for a pet (if you like them).

I was that woman who thought she'd be child free. I was perfectly happy with that. DH and I were building our life under the premise that we weren't able to have children (and in all honesty, neither of us were bothered either way). DD was a big surprise to us. And we do love our life as parents. But we know, because we'd been living that life, that without kids we'd have still been happy. I don't say that as if I wish we were still living it, I would never be without her now she's here. Just that if we'd never known DD we'd still be happy.

You sound like you have a great life but you've let this shake you. Be confident in your life choices.

The wobbly hormones approaching peri menopause can cause a last ditch baby craving apparently.

I was wondering this too. I'm childfree by choice and have never questioned my thought process behind it.

I understand what you’re saying, but you know it’s not true. I believe that the person that says it believes it but that makes it an opinion and not fact.

I think as humans we have a desire to procreate. And I think as women we have it engrained in us that being a mother is what life is all about. Im sure your life is not empty. Im sure it is full of life, other people and enjoyment (as well as chores and all the other stuff)

(ps. You’re more than welcome on the MN without children board)

only you can decide if having a child is really for you. But don’t should yourself into it

Goodness that's arrogant. So OP doesn't know her own mind and you're filling in for her that it's regret? Being a mother might be all things to some women but it certainly isn't for others - and I know of several women who said early on that they didn't want children and maintained that - they didn't have them.

They might be lying but I'm guessing not. Either way, not for you or anyone else to say that any woman who isn't a mother by choice, regrets it.

I don't think life is supposed to have a purpose. We're a happy accident and individually can exact very little control over the society or wider circumstances in which we live. Mostly I think the best thing to aim for is happiness and looking out for others, and that's the same whether you've had kids or you haven't.

I don't believe my siblings all have some higher purpose than me because they've had kids and I can't have them. There are so many people on the planet that however much they're loved by those around them, the kids will grow up to be just another bunch of people wondering what the purpose of it all is.

It's also not the job of children to give our lives purpose. Great if they do but that's not why they should be brought into the world.

This is hilariously patronising.
Hmm, sounds like you're trying to convince yourself of something here.

I can't help but wonder if you might have some unresolved feelings about not having children that you may need to address.

But if you need to keep telling yourself that women with kids are all secretly regretting their choices but unable to admit it,... *

Where did I say ALL women with kids are secretly regretting their choices?

I'm talking of threads on here where people can be open about such things without judgement (not from you clearly).

My point was, not all mothers/fathers are happy being parents, which means some are, some aren't. Nowhere did I say all.

You can stop wandering about my so called "unresolved feelings about not having children that I need to address"

Thanks.

Some people can't get their heads around the fact that not all people want to be parents. Although it does seem specifically aimed at women not wanting to be mothers.

Motherhood is hard work. And it's not for everyone. And that's fine, unless you've decided to be a mother when you knew you didn't want to be and still don't want to be when they come along. That's not so fine because no one is happy then.

It’s not ‘stupid’ for others to express their opinion about the life changing experience of love and having a child

Of course it isn't. What's 'stupid' is telling other people that your experience of love makes their experience of it inferior. And we get that all the time.

Childfree and living life to the full! i have purpose, i have a wonderful DP who i share a hobby with (cars) and i have horses and dogs. Never a dull moment and always something to look forward to.

I can't imagine how boring life must be for people without both children and committed hobbies

Why did you decide not to have children? It is a life-changing decision, so your arguments had to be really serious?
Would it be possible to adopt? Or become a foster parent?