Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

[butterfly172]

Hi,
I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'm about to get married to a wonderful man and I'm a step-parent to his 3 adult children, whom all accept me and me them.

However, since my SD had her baby, I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Does anyone have any advice? Feeling like I'm stuck in a rut of life and don't know what my purpose is if not a parent.

"It’s not ‘stupid’ for others to express their opinion about the life changing experience of love and having a child"

It is stupid to go and tell someone who doesn't have kids that they in fact have no concept of what love is because they don't have kids.

Forgive me but if someone -
(1) can't work out that this is such a rude thing to say and crosses so many lines,
(2) can't contemplate that humans can find love without reproducing,
then they are stupid.

It's not a crime, it's just they're stupid.

They also make it very tempting for the child free person to reply "well, wait until they're older and they may go no contact with you, and then what?"

🤷

To be honest, I never felt a strong urge/broodiness to have children. I've a niece and 2 nephews, who I adore but didn't feel the broodiness to have my own, so I didn't and kind of thought it wasn't for me and I did other things with my life, holidays, etc.

*Bold font fail!

Agree with you
@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

Doesn't take long for the reasoning from someone who has no idea.

Everyone's motherhood/childless story is different.

The list is endless from the know it alls: regret, not knowing your own mind, not being well informed, not following your natural calling, missing out on a great love etc.

Endless threads about jealous narcissistic mothers who probably had kids because it was expected.

I'd rather someone regret not having kids than bringing unwanted kids into the world and have they grow up knowing so.

It's a shame they don't dish out empathy with every birth.

What makes you think you can confidently speak for everyone? Genuine question.

Are you maybe just exaggerating in an attempt to convince yourself? Sometimes I do wonder that about parents when they dish out life advice or such sweeping statements.

I guess you do you? Maybe that's a better way to think about love and where each of us wants to find it?

I’m intrigued by your friends lifestyle - I often fantasise about this. Can I ask about the signing? How does she earn money from this?

I just think those people aren't merely insensitive but actively stupid, and I pity them

This is a deeply unpleasant comment. It may be rude of people to comment on the powerful all consuming love a parent has for a child, to someone who does not have have children, but its not stupid to experience the love like this. Its inevitable.

Its a no brainer that the bond and love a parent has for a child is incredibly powerful, and more so that to any other person. We are programmed by evolution to be like this. They are the only people in life for whom we have, and who deserve, unconditional love. Children and extremely demanding, hard work, very aggravating, and are very resource intensive, remembering that most people for most of human history would have been struggling to have enough resources to survive. Frankly, we have evolved that overpowering love to stop parents from leaving their children on the hills for wolves.

But then there are many experiences in life. There are many powerful emotional experiences that other people will have that I envy but will never have. I don't, however, feel the need to put them down when they talk about these experiences or deny they have these experiences. Frankly its a bit mad to do so.

Is it broodiness you feel now at your SD’s pregnancy, or something perhaps closer to wistfulness at where she is in her life and maybe feeling at a bit of a crossroads in your own?

I sometimes look at the Instagrams of a couple of distantly related to me young women in their late teens and early twenties, one of whom has recently announced her pregnancy, and feel a strange sort of stab of “something” difficult to describe. A bit of a yearning and nostalgia for their youth, their naivety, their not knowing what lies ahead of them or how long they have to enjoy it. Little concept of limitations. All the choices and opportunities they have in front of them that they don’t know about yet. All the mistakes they’re going to make - and how much I enjoyed making those mistakes as I made them at their ages!

I know that I don’t want children, I never have, but when other people have then I think we’re all capable of recognising what a huge and terrifying change somebody else is making in their life, and that in turn makes us reflect upon our own life and capacity for change.

I think it's probably quite naive (which some interpret as stupid) to assume that your experience of parental love is stronger than anyone else's experience of any other kind of love.

We are all different. We experience things differently. I completely agree that my love for DD is different to my love for anyone else, but can I confidently attest that it's a stronger love emotion than anyone else has felt for someone they haven't birthed? Nope.

I actually agree with this poster because I read it that, IF you have a child then you need that deep and unconditional love for that child.

I then ad-libbed in my head that you need it for the endless poo, crying, snot and tantrums so that you don't lob said child out of the nearest window.

As a few have said, it's not stupid to experience the love. It's stupid to tell people that your experience is superior to their experience.

It reminds me of religious people saying that their deity should prevent other people from having XYZ rights. No - your faith stops at the limits of your personhood. It should have no bearing on what I can do.

And it's not even true that the love you're talking about is a universal experience. Some parents abuse their children. Others are very candid that they do not have unconditional love for them - mine being just one example.

You can only talk about your own experience - you can't speak for everyone else.

I'm a similar age to you and finding 40s a slog so far. I think it's hormonal and a sense that I've now achieved most of my goals, so what next. Most of my friends I've known for years are busy raising young children, so it can feel quite lonely. It can be quite hard to find a new social circle in this stage of life.

Indeed. And as the person mouthing off about how the love for your child is ‘incomparable’ has no idea about the romantic or other loves experienced by other people, it’s a silly remark, anyway. None of us is able to understand how someone else experiences love of any kind.

OP, as someone who was planning to remain childfree until I changed my mind and had DS when I turned 40, I have no more or less purpose now than before I had him. Yes, obviously I now have a ‘job’ as a parent to raise him to the point where he’s independent, but that’s not any kind of life purpose, or not for me, anyway.

I wouldn’t panic. See this as an opportunity to take your psychological temperature, and focus on fine tuning your life to feel more purposeful, if that’s something you want.

I feel like SD having a baby has given you a natural sort of broodiness. Doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision for you, were allowed to look and wonder how our lives would be different if we did the things we said we wouldn’t.

Nothing wrong with some “what ifs” - like you say, you need hobbies. Spend your time finding and doing things you enjoy.

Yes and some people are blind but that does not mean that humans aren't a sighted species.

Any argument that rests on saying we cannot generalise about a human experiences is an argument without merit.

We very clearly can generalise about human experiences and we very clearly can generalise about parental love and bonding. And the reasons for the unique nature of this love are very easy to understand from an evolutionary stand point.

It really shouldn't be controversial to say this.

I think one of the issues is that in English we have only one word 'love' to describe different, though related, emotions.

There are plenty of powerful and important human experiences one can have in life, and each life will have a different combination of these.

It may be rude of people to comment on the powerful all consuming love a parent has for a child, to someone who does not have have children, but its not stupid to experience the love like this. Its inevitable.
Its a no brainer that the bond and love a parent has for a child is incredibly powerful, and more so that to any other person

Why would you state this when it’s demonstrably untrue? I mean, I could cite examples of parents who horrifically abuse and murder their children, and you’d no doubt tell me they were extreme exceptions. But every single day there are women on this forum whose posts demonstrate that they are choosing men over their children, and putting their children at the bottom of the pile. There are parents who prioritise their lifestyle over their children. We all know parents who walk away from their children and have little or even no involvement with them. Plenty of posters here are children of parents who were, at best, disinterested. Parents use their children as pawns in bitter separations. Where’s this all-consuming, self-sacrificing, better-than-everyone-else’s love in these cases?

You're right. You didn't say "all" women, you said "most". I stand corrected.

It doesn't change my fundamental point.

Yes and some people are blind but that does not mean that humans aren't a sighted species

Of course, the degree of sightedness can be objectively measured. Love, on the other hand, can’t.

I'm not child free but didn't try for a child til I was 33, despite being with my husband since I was 23 as we were enjoying our life, travelling etc. Found out husband was essentially infertile and had to have ivf to have our son when I was 35. I love him and love so much about being a mother, but my god it is hard work, and actually has curtailed or put on hold much of what gave my life purpose before having my child, mostly just due to not having the time to do it any longer.

So I can say as someone who was desperate for a child, and loves being my boys mum, a child free life by choice can have so much meaning and purpose, you just need to pursue what brings YOU joy. Whatever that means for you.

I also think anyone who uses phrases such as "from an evolutionary standpoint" and "we are biologically programmed to..." is stupid, frankly - maybe even more stupid than anyone who tells me that as a parent they feel a deeper love or higher purpose than I do. Evolutionary psychology is a brain-dead scourge. I don't feel biologically programmed for parenthood in the slightest.

And before you accuse me of being unpleasant, perhaps think about how it feels to be told that you're biologically unnatural or an evolutionary failure or incapable of real love. I mean, I don't believe any of that shit, but if you do then you should think twice about telling it to other people.

Your second paragraph sums up nicely one of the things that deterred me. When they are little and at peak poo, crying, snot etc, they have a huge need and a right to unconditional love and what if I can't give it? The only lifeforms I've so far succeeded in loving unconditionally are cats. . .humans are too complex to evince that emotion, which is in a sense a compliment. But it would make me a bloomin' horrible mother.

That’s perfectly fair.

I don’t have children, and I don’t think a woman’s sole purpose is to be a mother, but on the other hand I still don’t feel like i have a purpose.

I have an average everyday job that brings me no fulfilment or satisfaction, so I do sometimes wonder if having a baby might have given me those things.

So many narrow minded and sneery posts on here

OP, sounds like you're having a wobble. You'll get through it. I've had plenty - they're bloody unsettling but they pass. There is absolutely nothing wrong with questioning the status quo, and having a wistful period and thinking about what could have been or might still be. Go with it, and think about whether you would like to change anything in your life. The change may have nothing at all to do with babies, or maybe you don't want to change anything at all, but it might be useful to get curious about where the wobble is coming from

For some people, not having children was the most obvious choice in the world, and they never gave it a second thought. For some of us, it's still the right decision but maybe not so straightforward

Indeed. I'm more a dog person myself but I still melt when I see cats stuffing themselves into impossible containers because they can...

I find many women with children to be extremely smug and judgemental of other women (always women, in both cases) who do not have children. We should stop that. Just cut it out. Other people's lives are shaped by the choices they make and those choices are equally valid.

It really shouldn't need saying either.

Exactly.. still just existing but having to keep another person happy and alive while I do it 🤣