Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

[butterfly172]

Hi,
I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'm about to get married to a wonderful man and I'm a step-parent to his 3 adult children, whom all accept me and me them.

However, since my SD had her baby, I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Does anyone have any advice? Feeling like I'm stuck in a rut of life and don't know what my purpose is if not a parent.

If you're having a change of heart Op you'd best talk to your DP, if he's got adult DC and a grandchild I can't imagine he's looking to go back to the baby stage. Big mistake to marry then find out he's not onboard.

What an extraordinarily beautiful post. I second every word of this ^

To add being a mother has been an absorbing and thoroughly enjoyable if not demanding part of my life, but it is just a a chapter of my own life story, which is much larger than motherhood. I am not defined by motherhood, but it has enhanced me as a person I would say. It’s taught me so many life lessons and given me wisdom but it is just one small part of me.

I understand what is meant around the term being the most powerful love of all, it is and has to be for the survival of the human race.

I would enjoy the new baby in the family, and offer your SD love and support. You can be the most valuable person to the children around you without producing one op. Have you considered foster care or similar?

I have struggled with these existential questions for years, and I am a mother. It’s natural to be curious about purpose and meaning.

It's also a thing to be a parent and yet still feel empty.

It's a YOU thing though, that comment has been said to many women and men, but not everyone takes it to heart.

Having purpose isn't just about being a mum.

You don't sound at peace with not having kids, which is the main issue.

It is possible to have acceptance for choosing not to have kids.

Even having wanted kids and not being able to, it's possible to accept it and be happy in other aspects.

Do nuns not have purpose?

The issue you really need to confront isn't whether your life has purpose or not, but that you let this person make you feel that way. I'm child-free and I've been told that, too. I just think those people aren't merely insensitive but actively stupid, and I pity them. It doesn't make sense that they pity me, because I really enjoy my life.

As PP have said there's no such thing as a higher purpose aside from what you want it to be. I don't spend much time contemplating the concept of "purpose" but I think I owe it to myself to get as much enjoyment out of the one life I have as I possibly can.

I also think I owe it to the world to try to leave it in a slightly better state than before. So I try to fight for the social progress that I believe in, both in my professional career and in my personal life - around the environment and immigration, against racism, state oppression and social conservatism, for the rights of LGBT people and women, and more. If you look at the world around you there's quite enough "purpose" to be getting on with if you really want to. Compared to those social issues I really don't consider raising a child or two as an especially important "purpose".

We've already had the conversation, impossible for him as he's had the snip and TBH, I'm not sure the feelings aren't fleeting so wouldn't want to act on them.

My view has always been that I’m not obliged to do something profound with my life. I don’t have to “live my best life”; “make each day count”; “unlock my greatness”; “reach for the stars”. I’m just another mammal shuffling along the mortal coil with no sort of obligation to fulfil wonders. It’s absolutely fine to just faff about and have fun and like material stuff and pursue trivial amusements, to be entirely mediocre and to live a mediocre life, finding satisfaction in being comfortable and in the small things, and generally trying not to leave people worse than when you found them. The vast majority of people ever to walk the planet have and will live this way, and it isn’t some sort of moral failing not to achieve greatness or purpose.

But if you feel a need for purpose, I suppose you need to do some thinking to identify exactly what you mean by that. Do you feel you want to help people, help humanity, be seen as important in life, be remembered for something meaningful after you die? All or none of the above? It doesn’t really matter what other people tell you you’re missing out on for not getting to experience, you have to figure about what it is you think is missing.

I doubt the majority of people have any purpose in life, except to just live. If you want purpose then there's nothing stopping you figuring that out? Plenty of good causes you can get involved in. No one should be having children to give them purpose, that's unfair on the child and they should get a pet instead!

It’s not ‘stupid’ for others to express their opinion about the life changing experience of love and having a child. It’s fairly normal to feel amazed by the capacity and depth of love for a child. It dwarfed every other experience of love I have ever felt, and some. That doesn’t make it inferior or superior, it’s just completely different to romantic love and is not comparable.

I feel like this, like I am just existing. I am single and child free (not by choice) and I feel a bit lost.

I think this is a question many of us ask, children or otherwise, although if we have children we might ask it a bit later, eg when they leave home. Or at other key points, such as retirement, or after divorce, bereavement or serious illness. Finding out what makes you tick is a purpose in itself perhaps, and enjoying the journey. I'm not sure that it needs to be one big thing - small things that give you fulfilment could add up to a life of purpose too. I think it's great to think about this, but making time to try stuff out can be a challenge

The purpose of the deep and unconditional love for the child is extremely necessary that’s what I am trying to say.

@BiglifedecisionsI thought it was a very me me me post. How wonderful am I!!! I bring me to everyone else and make your lives so much better. My friendships will never be as deep as my relationship with DC. Someone who thinks they are equivalent is just thinking about their needs.

It dwarfed every other experience of love I have ever felt, and some. That doesn’t make it inferior or superior

You've contradicted yourself here I feel.

OP, I have children and feel an enormous lack of purpose when they’re not around (shared custody arrangement). It’s something I’m working on as it’s not a healthy mindset to feel so lost when I’m on my own. All this to say, you’re not alone. I hope you stumble across something in life soon that you can fall passionately in love with. And I daresay there are many people in your life that would feel lost without YOU in their world. Sending love ❤️

I tend to feel that the notion one needs a 'purpose' is the problem. Having a family and/or a career can feel very fulfilling but, for me, just part of life and I'd stop short of saying they give me a 'purpose' in life.

It's a bit like those ads for cruise ships where the voice over says it's all about learning and how important knowledge and the quest for it is life long. It's a holiday, for me that's fun, enjoyment, getting away from it all. Yeah, I might learn about stuff but I'm not there to do that as if it were a quest.

The stupidity that the OP and myself were referring to was when people do say it's superior.

Life experiences aren't universal and different people will be amazed by different things. Some people find Coldplay's music life-changing and amazing, and I have the same "if you say so" reaction as I do when people talk about parenthood like that. I've had my share of transformative life experiences and intend to pursue many more so don't worry I'm missing out.

My sister has said similar about no purpose. She is late 40s. The thing is, she never had a serious relationship nor kids and for her, she feels like she missed out on something that to her, seems like everyone else is doing it (marriage and kids). I don’t know what to say to her when she says these things.

Purpose is subjective. Whatever issues you have around it might be due to your upbringing and maybe you are struggling with something there? Parents can put their fears and ambitions onto kids, often unknowingly, and project. When people worry about purpose it is possibly because they feel they haven't lived up to expectations they or their parents had. You need to re-discover your own locus of control and what actually matters to you. You say you've chosen to be child free, but choice never just stops - you can always change your mind or your opinion on something, in fact that shows you are adapting. If anything (in my opinion) life is about growth and adaption which shows you are engaging with life rather than sitting passively.

I struggle with what my purpose in life is, and I have a child. In fact, it got a lot worse after I had said child. As much as I love my child, being a mother has closed a lot of doors in many ways and I often wonder if I had given in to biology (I didn’t want children most of my life, hit thirty and got baby focussed) what I would have achieved by now.

I had a child later in life. Before that, I felt that my purpose was to travel, enjoy life, be free and do whatever the hell I fancied. I fell pregnant and that soon put an end to all that! As much as I love my child, I sometimes feel that my 'purpose' is currently being curtailed by having a young child.

That's your experience. Not universal.

Threads on here about people who regret having kids.

People have given kids up for adoption as they didnt feel the bond or want the child.

People have loved their partners more than their own kids.

It's a personal thing and mothers/fathers can feel lost in life.

Otherwise no parent would ever take their own lives/give up kids/regret having kids and no childless people would ever be happy. That's not realistic though. We're all different and find purpose in different places.

Sometimes I think because being a parent takes up so much of your brain capacity, it gets conflated with someone’s “purpose” of being a parent. It is very consuming both mentally and physically and takes up a lot of your time, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect a person’s purpose.

DH's friend was like this, had a child because everyone else is having one and longed for the bond.
Soon as their DD arrived, realised dint want a child that much after all.

Sad when this happens, and unfortunately happens a lot.

Most women think they should be mums as it's expected, then find it difficult to admit regret when the kids are here.

Yes, it is part of your purpose, for that time frame. Before that part of your purpose might have been to build a relationship with someone to have a child, prior to that get an education to get a job to support the child. It's easy to see how many people forget that once they child is there you still get to do multiple things that have purpose, even if the main part is making sure the child is healthy and happy. You still need to eat, enjoy things, help others, think ahead. The child becomes the stable norm, like the school years felt, or the job. They all throw up challenges and overcoming those makes us feel successful. If there is nothing going on in your life that is challenging you in any way you can feel low, which is why depression is such a hole. You get into a cycle of not wanting to do anything, see anyone or engage which means you can't feel challenge and growth and ultimately purpose.

Asking big, existential questions isn't unreasonable. It's what philosophy exists for. And as women, we are often told that our greatest calling is to be mothers; you'd have to be living under a rock not to soak some of it up, even if you realised, as I did, that it would be a huge mistake, because I just wasn't cut out for bringing another person into the world. That's the critical bit; you give birth to a cute little bundle, but he or she won't stay that way.

The arrival of a new baby in a family can shake the certainties of the most determinedly child childfree among us. My nieces and nephews were all beautiful babies. I remember saying to my DH, "aren't baby boys lovely?" He said "They are. And believe me, I know a little more than you do about what they can turn into!" He was making a point about Damien wannabes, but even when you have a great relationship, it's precarious to invest your whole life's purpose in another person. Their purpose, after all, is to grow up, seek detachment and independence and go back-packing or whatever - if things go well, you work yourself out of a job, so if having a purpose is important to you, you'll probably need a back-up. It can be paid or voluntary work, gardening, education, the local dramatic society, or getting through your TBR list, or a combination. . .but investing too much in an autonomous youngster or even two or three of them is fragile at best.