Anyone struggle with a purpose if childfree?

[butterfly172]

Hi,
I'm 42 and childfree by choice. I'm about to get married to a wonderful man and I'm a step-parent to his 3 adult children, whom all accept me and me them.

However, since my SD had her baby, I'm wondering what purpose I have in this life if I chose not to be a mum?

Does anyone have any advice? Feeling like I'm stuck in a rut of life and don't know what my purpose is if not a parent.

OP I always wanted children and had to wait a very very long time.
I'd say that for me, my heart experienced the love and depth of feeling through loss rather than gain for many years. My heart didn't grow an extra dimension when I had a child because the pain of absence had made it grow already.
However, the horrible heartbreak I felt at being childless (and single) up until that point was finally relieved.

Certainly I have found the purpose you describe. It comes with responsibilities, restrictions and worry but finally the horrid pain i woke up with every morning is gone.

You're in a different place however as you were never yearning for a child in that way.

OP I’m sure this is a phase that will pass. You’ve probably spent 20+ years not wanting kids, and in that time your friends will have had kids, you’ve no doubt been to christenings, held babies, heard your friends talking about their children etc. And in all that time, you never felt that you wanted children yourself. It seems likely that you really don’t want children, but that right now you’re feeling reflective, because you’ve seen your SD and her baby. Also you’re at a pivotal childbearing age, when it’s pretty much now or never. So it’s not surprising you’re questioning your choices. But I think you should trust the person you’ve been for all of your adult life until now, and the choices you made, because they’re far more likely to reflect the real you.

Ooooh I like this and in a way it’s true (for better and worse).

I am the main character in my life and live that way fully.

Threads from the group will often pop up on the main page; and so very often they really do grab my attention. I'd guess other mum's like myself don't always notice the board of origin the thread originates.

Why do you think kids prevent loneliness in old age?

My grandmother was a mother of 4, grandmother of 13 and still lonely in her old age till she moved to a residential village. Your kids develop their own lives.

I wonder if it is the impending marriage that has set you thinking like this? Is your future DH a bit older than you? If so, it's not kids that you should be thinking about it's being a Nurse with a Purse if he needs looking after in years to come! I know the same could happen to you, but statistics.....

Anyway how are you feeling about your upcoming wedding? Excited and thrilled and full of joy to be marrying the love of your life? That should be what you feel right now, not having babies IMO.

With a due nod to the mums out there, I have to say that every time I see my nieces and nephews and their often frazzled parents, the snots, the shits, the tantrums, the ferrying here there and everywhere, baby seats, cots, the nightmare logistics of holidays with kids, I sit back and think - yep that's not for me and it never will be.

We all have our missions in life and mine is to love the kids that are in my immediate family, but to be very very glad to hand them back too!

Check peri and other blood levels OP. Something doesn't sound right in you, and something very simple to fix health wise might improve things for you.

Is the thread in AIBU?

No!
I mean 1) why do we need a purpose? We're born, we live a few decades, and then we die.
And 2) if we do need a purpose, then what is wrong with careers/ families/friends/education/interests/volunteering/sports/politics/charities/religion etc etc..... all the things that concern everyone, regardless of whether or not they have children

If we're saying that the only point of any of us is to reproduce, then that's very sad - and untrue.

It’s bizarre because OP’s question is clearly aimed at childfree people finding purpose.

It's not a thread about wanting to be a mum, that's the whole point.

@gannett

The issue you really need to confront isn't whether your life has purpose or not, but that you let this person make you feel that way. I'm child-free and I've been told that, too. I just think those people aren't merely insensitive but actively stupid, and I pity them. It doesn't make sense that they pity me, because I really enjoy my life.

I wholeheartedly agree with this and I feel a kind of fury at people who think you need to have children to have a "purpose".

Imagine the sort of person who believes people have no greater value in life than to reproduce their DNA. Imagine being the sort of person who has so little imagination that they can't conceive of people without children enjoying life. Imaging being so small minded you don't believe women can be happy without children. Imagine how limited their lives and imaginations are.

OP you're just had your confidence dented by being around idiots for too long. It's not you, it's them. The solution is to take yourself away from this sort of rubbish and find better friends.

You really have a very limited imagination don't you?

It could be the wedding mixed with my SD having a baby? My fiance is 10 years older than me so he’s had his kids and they’ve grown up.

I’m excited for our wedding and you’re right, that should be my focus for sure!

I know this thread is. It's not really aimed at parents, though. Just as I don't comment on threads where parents are asking for advice about breastfeeding, or weaning, or how to cope with teenagers etc.

We've asked several times for the board to be removed from Active but MN has refused to do it. I accept that posters often don't see what board they're posting on.

Edited to add - I also think it's disingenuous to suggest that you're not allowed to be negative about parents on MN. It isn't a safe space where you're only permitted to say positive things. Obviously there are guidelines around being abusive etc. but I don't think anyone on this thread has fallen foul of that.

Absolute nonsense. How on earth does having children "guarantee" that you won't be lonely in old age?!
Such narrow thinking......

@burningbatches

"Any argument that rests on saying we cannot generalise about a human experiences is an argument without merit.

We very clearly can generalise about human experiences and we very clearly can generalise about parental love and bonding"

OK. In that case, if you think that parental love trumps all loves, then you've clearly not experienced spousal love because if you had then you'd feel differently.

Do you mean “in a contributing to society” sort of way? In which case your job presumably. Or if it’s more “what the heck do I do with my time” then interests and hobbies.

This.

I'm a wife, a parent, a daughter, a sister and a friend. The love is different but they are all strong. All of these relationships have huge value to me. All of the people (re friends, there's only a couple that fall into this category) I love unconditionally. I would move mountains for them.

The point stated by myself and many others, or your judgemental opinion?

Oops, what if your children move to a different country?

Have you no spouse, siblings or friends?

Totally get where you're coming from. It's possible to be happy both ways, but the friend i mentioned wasn't made for parenthood but unfortunately found out after having kids.

Different school friend in a has an autistic non verbal child. Loves the bones off him, but has said if she'd known, she may not have had him. He's her purpose now and she won't put him in a home as suggested by his care workers, but it's a sacrifice parents make.

I have commented a few times on these threads. It absolutely is because it will pop up on the main page. It is not intended to purposefully impose into a space that is special for childless MNs.

For myself, my participation is always to say something along the lines of ' it's all a bloody conspiracy this stuff, so you go girl!' 🤷‍♀️😆.

I see from posts here that it's a space that peeps prefer for childless folk; which I absolutely respect. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy, is my parting mantra 😀🥰.

This! My poor grandma had 7 kids but died alone and not found for days.
I can count on one hand the number of times I saw her when I was a child.

Everyone worked abroad and had their own lives.

There's no guarantee and why put that burden on your kids.

If you're not content in your own skin, no man, kids, friends or job will erase that.
It comes from within, and everything else is a bonus.

Just out of interest, how do you think this makes infertile people feel? Not only do I have the joy of endless miscarriages, once I’m over that I have the joy of a really lonely old age to look forward to.
Or are you one of those that does the “oh no I didn’t mean you! I mean women that didn’t WANT children.” For some reason their childless old age will be lonelier than mine?