Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

God your bar is so low.

Yeah, not rtft but I was wondering if he's doing some sort of 'trick her into thinking there's nothing planned when there is' type thing. I hate it when people do that, because of the potential for upset, but I did wonder.

Lol my bar is so high that I have been single for 10 years 😁

No, I just don’t think that a massive row with her partner will help OP. It’s not ‘letting him get away with it’. Men aren’t children who need scolding to know they’ve done wrong.
Ever heard of killing with kindness? In situations like this, the more reasonable and gracious you are, the more the other person realises how poor their own behaviour has been.

Getting angry achieves nothing except a horrible day.

Actually, from seeing my friends with their partners, accepting it and telling them you're sorting it for yourself means that the next year they assume you'll sort it yourself. It's a vicious circle.

Absolutely this @neverbeenskiing and this is exactly what I’d do. Wishing you the loveliest of days tomorrow OP.

Have a backup day ready OP. I sincerely hope you won’t need it but a plan B is never not a good idea.

Happy birthday💝Please don't do a damn thing for his birthday.

Good God, why? That would be my idea of absolute birthday hell, loads of loud, drunken idiots dressed up as 'craic.'

Well, it does depend on the character of the husband tbf.

From OP’s post it sounds like the intention and to please her was there, he’s just been rubbish at organising it. Seems likely he is inwardly kicking himself for not having got his act together in time. Only OP will know if I’m being overly generous there.

If the husband is generally a selfish lump who doesn’t really give a shit then I can see it wouldn’t work then.

I generally think though that giving her husband a hard time tomorrow will probably make her day worse rather than better. The very best she can hope for in that event is a grovelling apology.

If she really MUST have it out with him, may as well wait till the day after her birthday at least!

I don't know why people stay in relationships with people who show such obvious lack of love, care and respect towards them.

Have you got the day off tomorrow? Has he?

Depending on the answer to the above, I'd tell him that you'd like to do something nice tomorrow for your birthday, has he made any plans or should you make your own?

Assuming his plans for you tomorrow really do result in basically nothing........ I think you should get up and go out - but before you leave Id be telling him not to pack his bags and be gone before you get back.

This - and the fact that TWO days before he's asking OP for ideas, because he hasn't bothered to sort anything, or even to ask earlier to enable booking.

Herd of then both funnily enough!

As I stated in my comment .
It would all depend.
Has op taken a day off or loads of annual leave. She may be retired. .
She may not work due to various reasons ill health . Who knows
Once again I said it would depend on factors. .

Yeah I hate this too, its really hurtful. If I have ever organised a surprise party or something its always been hidden by saying we're going for a family meal or something. Even then its not always ideal, my brother made me laugh on his 40th, we'd organised a surprise party at my house for him, his wife organised a meal out as a pretence but then said they had to go to us as dog sitter had fallen through. He loved the party but said he was really looking forward to his steak 😂

In all seriousness though, the end result is nice but the upset beforehand is unpleasant. Just before I got engaged I was out for a meal for my birthday, we had 1 young DC and i was pregnant with no 2, and had said we will get married soon but that it made sense for DC2 to be old enough to be there (we always wanted 2 DC), DH was always traditional and wanted to ask properly. At the meal his friend made a silly comment about when will we get married, rather than just saying once DC2 is older, he basically made some big speech about not wanting to get married (think Chandler from friends).

We were off to a special birthday trip the next week, he had the ring and proposal planned, I had no idea but I honestly felt after that night that I might leave him, it was so hurtful. All just to make sure the surprise worked out 😱

I hope he's just bluffing with the whole, 'What would you like to do' just before your birthday but I'd still wait until tomorrow. If he hasn't stepped up then I'd definitely bugger off on my own and probably tell him to fuck off

You need to be 100% clear on what you want.

I ended up abroad with no friends or family and my partner was away for a few days on my birthday.

I thought about exactly what I wanted to do and had a brilliant day: Museum and Art gallery with lunch in a nice restaurant followed by a theatre visit (best seat).

When he returned we had dinner in a lovely restaurant together ( I booked the table).

Dont do things to spite him do them for yourself and have a great day.

This.

Honestly this would have me questioning the whole relationship if he's not bluffing. I really hope he is.

If not, it sounds like he wants all the glory of you thinking he's thoughtful and planning stuff without any of the actual effort.

"When you fail to make a plan and execute it for my birthday, you show me very clearly that you don't care what I actually want. It doesn't matter if it wouldn't bother you - it bothers me, and you know it."

And then either "I can't get past this as it's really the very minimum" or "please make a note that I won't let this go a second time."

I hope it's a case of him trying to throw you off the scent @wherethewildrosesgrow and that he has organised something special for your birthday. I would decide tomorrow what I would do if it's the case that he hasn't, and then spend some time thinking of what you want for your future. Sounds like you have gone from an awful marriage to potentially a not good relationship.

Wishing you a very happy birthday for tomorrow and I hope you have a wonderful day🎉🎁🎂🥳🥂

This is an excellent approach.
But you need to allow that he may have a surprise for the evening (however unlikely), which he may not want to give away first thing in the morning.

So if he gives a vague answer in the morning, or asks what you want to do, say "Well I'm off out to XYZ (place you want to go alone), is there a particular time you want me back by?"

Don't 'jump the gun' and have the argument until about 9pm at night, as he could just turn around and say you have spoiled his surprise.

The choice of four things I had in mentioned I’d love to do in the day, definitely would need booking in advance.
Such as a steam train ride, a river cruise, that was to be just me and him.
In the evening it was to be a family meal.
He has this morning, repeated back to me four things we’d discussed.
Also I have three children that I’d need to ask a relative to be on standby for school pick up,I’ve already booked them into after school club, as I’d anticipated, with travel we’d be pushing it to get back comfortably.
He normally is really good, and I’m happy in the relationship, we don’t live together yet, as this hasn’t been possible, due to the divorce.
we did plan on moving in together maybe nest year.
I certainly won’t be rushing into anything, and this has made me think.
He told me between Christmas and New year, ‘You will get a special day, you really deserve it, I want you to buy something nice to wear’
Im normally in overalls and safety boots at work.
I bought a really nice occasions dress, heels/bag from Vinted for a tenner each, it’s outside, drying on the line, I just want to cringe, hideaway and cry for half an hour.
He had a special birthday two years ago, and I was able to make him something he’d always wanted. Personalised.
I used all the materials from work, for which I did 10 hours of overtime to pay for, it also took me 14 hours to make. (in my own time, not works)
On top of this I made a picnic and took him out for the day, ok it was free apart from fuel, but it was an area he’d wanted to visit for a while.
I also cooked him a lovely evening meal, and a cake.
I won’t put up with a shit relationship.
My marriage suddenly became very abusive in the last six months of it, and it’s taken many court cases, police visits, you name it over the course of six years to finally be able to feel I can live again.

If that exactly what I’d say if I want to really surprise you and ensure you don’t expect anything.

Why are people so quick to judge? The Bday isn’t until tomorrow 🤦🏽‍♀️

Darling @wherethewildrosesgrow focus on you tomorrow
we're all thinking of you

sending hugs

Yeah I'd be fuming. A special suprise day to me does not involve waking up and being asked...what do you want to do today then, let's do whatever you want!

I want to be told to be ready at x time, wear something warm or fancy or whatever, and be SUPRISED. It doesn't have to be expensive. If my partner told me be ready to go at 7, wear boots, and took me to the coast for a walk id be over the moon. Then lunch booked somewhere nearby and back home for family tea. It doesn't have to be overly complicated! It's knowing someone cared enough to plan you the suprise special day.

Certainly for a river cruise if you decide to do that in the morning by the time you've found one, travelled there you might well find youve missed the time slot available or they're fully booked for the day.

Especially if you live somewhere with tourists and day trippers. A bit of planning is essential. Beyond that, half the fun is someone arranging something for you. Waking up and being asked what are we doing then just is not the same. Especially after a year of someone bragging how special they'll make your day.