Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

Just read the thread, @wherethewildrosesgrow
I hope you're doing ok.

No one is saying he hasn't acted really badly, he needs to be a lot more thoughtful in regard to his partner.
But he is human, and human beings are not perfect.
The outrage of some on here who have painted him out to be the devil incarnate himself, is ridiculous.
I wonder how many who are encouraging the OP to dump him are in relationships themselves, possibly not many...because guess what, relationships have up's and downs, sometimes people act badly, and sometimes people forgive them.

I have no idea what the OP will do. She said she was happy in the relationship before this, so whether this is a dealbreaker or not, only she knows.

I hope she won't be persuaded to go against what may be her best interests just because the majority on here are encouraging her to get rid.

For me the issue would be the anticipation that the dude has built all year. He didn’t just not do anything, he actively raised expectations and then dashed them really hard. That would feel much worse for me than him ignoring it from the first place. It would feel as if he had bigged it up in order to hurt me when he did nothing, or to make me look/feel foolish. I would feel humiliated.

@NovemberMorn OP was happy because he was future faking.

She now knows better, liars drag you down.

Sometimes people have no boundaries.
sometimes people revel in unhappiness.
sometimes people are scared to be alone.

Sometimes people accept others are not perfect, and work on it.

Sometimes people think - no-one's perfect, he's human, but I am not prepared to be treated this way again.
The salient detail is "again".

Not really.
The OP has made it clear that normally birthdays are not a big deal.
This one was, obviously, and he let her down badly.
Before this happened, she was happy with him.

Well, yes, really!
It happens all the time that you're happy with your partner until <thing happens> and then you're not.
Whether you should give them grace it a very personal decision, especially when <thing> happens a second time, as is the case here.

And he spent a YEAR in the run up to this birthday - which, by the way, was a special birthday to OP - banging on about how he was going to fix how crap he he was last year, how he understood the importance of the birthday to OP, how he wanted to make it up to her.

The salient detail is definitely ‘again’.

Stop apologising for him. He’s a complete arsehole.

Just in case we've got our lines crossed - I'm firmly in the ditch-him camp. I believe he deliberately set up this situation. It coukd have come straight out of Linwood Barclay's book on abusive male behaviour.

I'm not apologising for him, I agree, he has acted in an awful manner towards the OP.
My point is that people are human, if the OP was happy with him before, perhaps she can get round this, perhaps she can't, that's up to her to make that choice.
Reading countless women telling her to dump him, he hates her, has no respect, he deliberately humiliated her, and so on...doesn't help her at all, it's just faceless women venting.

Based on the information we have, which part of his actions suggest he has love and respect for OP?

The lack of thought for her birthday last year?
The promise to make it up and failure to follow through?
The lies for the last year about his plans?
Trying to buy her off with a £1k in cash?
Buying her a last minute cake made with things he knows she dislikes?
The advance buying of gifts for other people in his life he is storing at her home?
The refusal to leave her house when she asked him to?

Go on. Which show love and respect?

For all we know he shows her lots of love and respect in many other ways.
If OP was happy in the relationship, which has lasted for four years, my guess is he does.

Or, the more likely story, it's made her realise the other ways he disrespects her.

There is not a snowflakes chance in hell that DH would a) be rubbish about my birthday, even though we never make a big deal, he always acknowledges it and, b) mess up and then make it up to me by doing a worse job. Because he loves and respects me.

Feeling like he can treat a partner this way is a very clear sign of disrespect. It's up to OP to decide whether she wants to get past it. And most self respecting women wouldn't want to live a life being treated like this.

Implying that if she did 'get past it', she is not a 'self respecting woman'...you have no idea how patronising and pompous you sound have you? 🙄

You have no idea how much of a doormat you sound, do you?

Human beings can be mean and spiteful and selfish too...

He didn't 'act really badly'

He lied

And lied

And lied...

Repeatedly

Are you a man?

it's not tomorrow yet he may be fooling you. don't kick off in the morning wait and see if anything crops up. if by midday nothing has happened tell him how disappointed you are.

Better RTFT, the birthday was last Monday.

You sound insufferable.
It's usually the case that people who look down on others, are the very ones who should look at their own lives.

Yes, you're right. I should look at my very healthy relationship that works well for both my husband and I, and is teaching my daughter that she should be respected and treated properly.

The fact I wouldn't stand for being forgotten, especially not while he remembers other people and stores their gifts in my home, is just one of the many reasons I very rarely have any cause for complaint in my relationship. My husband wouldn't accept it either. We are equal people of equal importance and we treat each other that way. As it should be.

I had an ex always ‘forget’ my birthday and even Christmas. He was very passive aggressive anyway.

then i had a friend abandoned by her abusive ex. When she met someone later she said to me she had never had anyone make her feek special on her birthday before

it is intentional to make you feel crap. you cannot have a special day. It must always be ruined.