Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

How do you know he hasn't? How does she know he hasn't? The way it was worded was he had said that he still had 'stuff' to do for her Birthday. Doesn't mean he hasn't done 'some stuff' but still had 'other stuff' to sort.

And how can you possibly know it was an attempt for him to her to say 'don't bother'

People so quick to assume the worst and that he is a waste of space and she should bin him.

Birthday is tomorrow. At least wait to see what happens before assuming he has made no effort. Then if he if it does turn out that he hasn't, that is the time to be upset, take some action, feel let down and possibly end the relationship if that is what she wants to do.

That time has now passed, I can afford the basics. I was up until recently paying legal expenses, and every single penny was counted.
I’m suddenly a few hundred quid better off.
DP finances are separate to mine, due myself going through the divorce, but I would never expect him to pay for something that I couldn’t afford myself.
The one gift I wanted was a pair of binoculars, he asked me for some details of chosen pair, so he could order them, they won’t be here for tomorrow.
I asked him outright yesterday what plans he’d made, mostly because I was thinking about what I’d need to wear, based on some the possible activities we’d talked about, as nothing had been mentioned for over a week. he said, ‘Is there anywhere you’d like to go, or anything you’d like to do, so I don’t think there’s up his sleeve,

It doesn't sound like he is one with a poker face and would be bluffing. just to surprise you tomorrow. Unfortunately.

@wherethewildrosesgrow you would have to be a really really shit person to do this OP
It’s pretty sick if it’s true . In the sense are you sure he’s not playing it down .
Although Tomorow is your birthday do you not both work and this would be your birthday weekend ? It really depends if you would both need days off work booked ( to go so where on a Monday ) I’m sure a restaurant be easy enough.

I am hanging on to the idea that he must be playing it down .

Answer to your question I’d go out alone and tbh id struggle to come back.

Sorry fellow Pisces (it's my birthday tomorrow too). The trouble is we're natural doormats. Far too accommodating for everyone else and always putting ourselves last. I thought he might be pretending not to have done anything for you but that doesn't sound likely now. I know it's not the same but take yourself out if only to embarrass him. Anyway, I'm sending you birthday hugs for what it's worth.

You're jumping the gun massively. It's not even your birthday yet.

From my viewpoint, I wouldn't be making massive set-in-stone plans for someone else's birthday - I would keep the day aside and free, see how they felt when we got up and decide on the day. That's always how things have been done in our family and I don't think it means any of us don't care?

I’d hang fire with those thoughts untill tomorrow but if all he has been doing for a year is lip service . I think OP deserves better. .

Did you read the post ? He has been giving it the big I am for a whole YEAR. Who does that ?
Why lead someone along like that . If it was true it’s terrible .

It's pretty low to continually lie to someone that you've gone to all this effort and been planning things when actually you've done nothing of the sort.
If he really has done nothing then he's just paying lip service and it tells you all you need to know about who he really is.
Value yourself more and raise your expectations of how others should treat you.

Yes, I read the post. He said he'll take her somewhere special and buy her something nice - that doesn't mean he has to plan everything in stone.

Anyway - OP's birthday isn't until tomorrow, she's just assuming he hasn't done anything and reacting accordingly

Maybe I'm being too literal, but he hasn't said he's planned anything.

According to the OP, he said "he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc."

That doesn't mean he's booked everything and organised presents in advance, it just means he wants to take her somewhere nice and buy her a nice gift. Both of which can be done last-minute and on the day?

id book something. I don’t think he’s done a thing.

We're not living in the 90s any more it's virtually impossible to do spontaneous on the day plans these days especially post COVID.

There's not much point pretending he will pull something out of his sleeve when anyone can see he's planned nothing despite making a huge fuss for the past year.

If he's still asking her what she wants to do two days before he's clearly made zero effort to make it special and it's quite reasonable for the OP to be bloody disappointed.

OP, be a spoilt princess 👑

He’s clearly not going to spoil you so you’ll need to do it yourself.

If your divorce has come through, does that mean you can now have the life you want without having to accommodate a man? Maybe that might be worth thinking about. Stop giving away yourself and getting nothing back.

Happy birthday for tomorrow 🥂🍾🎂

Of course it's possible to do things spontaneously, I do it all the time

Maybe I'm an anomaly here, but I don't care whether plans were made weeks in advance, the day before or half an hour before, as long as I have a good time and get to spend the day doing something I enjoy.

DH and I often say "let's go out on Sunday" and then decide over coffee where we'll go and when. Same for birthdays, we'll agree to do something special but not decide anything until the day. Maybe we're a bit odd!

If you just get up and go out you’re giving him a ready made get out of jail free card! You either need to ask him outright and if there is nothing booked then head out alone or wait and see in the morning.

Either way I don’t blame you for being disappointed. Fingers crossed he’s just winding you up and he has a great day planned.

Happy birthday for tomorrow OP! It's actually mine tomorrow too! DH has hinted he's bought me gifts but I know he hasn't planned anything. Difficult as his mum lives with us and has advanced dementia so can't be left or really taken out socially. I've taken tomorrow off work, need to pop out anyway and will treat myself to a birthday cake and perhaps flowers from M&S. Still haven't drunk last year's birthday champagne from DH but I'm saving it for the culmination of a very stressful ongoing issue I have. Really not that fussed about tomorrow. Why don't you just ask your DP if he's actually arranged anything and if not tell just tell him he what you want to do?

Agree about waiting OP, hopefully has something up his sleeve.

Surely you've heard of shift work, and that not everyone is at work on a Monday?

If you have the day off and want to spend your birthday doing something fun then I would tell him that outright, as in ' I want to go out for the day tomorrow, have you made any plans or shall I organise it myself?' And get a definite answer, after that it's up to you if you want to go out on your own or arrange something you do together.
Just don't wait til tomorrow night hoping he will surprise you and have wasted the day.
I wouldn't demand gifts, but I wouldn't let him be responsible for how you spend the day.
After the fact you can assess whether the effort/carried he shows is something you can tolerate or if it is ltb worthy.

Oh hell no! Keeping the day free is the bare minimum. He’s been giving it the big talk for brownie points & sounds like he’s failed to do anything.

I haaaaaate empty promises

Give him until tomorrow and see if he’s made any plans if he hasn’t and asks you what to do , I would be honest and just end the relationship- may seem dramatic to some but it’s clearly a pattern. Then take yourself out and enjoy yourself - my best birthdays have been spent alone in the day doing things I like then with family in the evening 🤣 x

From what OP has said, he hasn't made any promises - he's just said that they'd do something special?

You don't need to book things weeks in advance for them to be special.

Or Annual Leave as a concept?

Wow some low standards on here.

OP - unfortunately it does sound like nothing is planned, if I had planned a surprise for DH I would at least say keep X time free. Hopefully he has and you will be surprised tomorrow but if not personally I would definitely say something.

DH used to be really good with birthdays, Xmas, mothers day. Over the years he got lazy and thoughtless with it, it was upsetting as with xmas/bdays I do all the organising for everyone else so he only has me to worry about. One year I had enough, he did a couple of things that almost came across as spiteful and I pulled him up on it. I don't want expensive stuff but to put no effort in at all is not acceptable IMO. He did take it on board.

On MN if you want any effort made for you it seems to be a no-no and you're greedy etc. Not sure why as in RL it isnt that way IME.

You deserve a fuss to be made on big birthdays, even more so if hes made out that he has things planned and said he'll make it special.