Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

It's possible but not if you're looking for something special. For a trip to Costa or a walk etc sure but not if you want to: eat out somewhere that needs booking, go away somewhere, have a party, book an experience, visit many attractions or basically for the vast majority of things you'd arrange for a big birthday.

The OP I'm sure wouldn't give a flying fuck if the plans had not been made months in advance if anything had been booked and he hadn't spent the best part of a year telling her that he was planning something special. What's the point in saying what do you want to do to her a few days before when he's spent 12 months saying he would make it special. Why shouldn't she be disappointed he's spent a year lying to her?

@TwentyTwentyFive I'm clearly an anomaly so I'm not going to keep debating it - I just don't see where he's lied. He hasn't actually said that he'd booked some big fancy experience or anything, just that he'd take her to do something special for her birthday.

There are loads of nice, special things you can do spontaneously, including days out, trips to attractions and meals. As I said earlier, DH and I often decide last minute to go out and we've never had any issue getting into a restaurant or attraction.

But like I said, I'm clearly the odd one out here!

I'd let him know loud and clear how disappointed you are that after all the promises he made he's done f-all.

Take yourself out and treat yourself tomorrow, maybe organise something with a friend (possibly for another day) as part of your birthday treat and if you decide to stay together make damn sure you do nothing whatsoever for his next birthday.
Happy birthday for tomorrow

You haven't understood any of OPs posts

Happy birthday for tomorrow 💐❤
Have a lovely day out, and maybe spend a little time considering why you think you don't deserve better than this inconsiderate pos.

It is odd though to have no plan for a big birthday. Unkind

Like I said, I'm clearly an anomaly so I'm not debating it anymore.

I honestly don't find it odd at all, it's always been normal for me to decide on the day unless it's a specific activity that's been requested and that needs to be booked in advance.

Now I feel like you're just being deliberately obtuse. It's really not normal for someone to arrange their own birthday even more so when they have family saying the will do something special for it. Do you buy your own present and card too? Why don't you think you're worth someone making an effort?

Yes, an anomaly because you haven't understood any of it.

I'm out. You're just here to argue with me.

Such a wise post.

I think this deep desire to no longer wait for Prince Charming to run the show is why OP posted here before her birthday. I think that, deep down, she wants to finally be in control of her experience and not waiting for someone else to treat her.

No I'm genuinely wondering why you don't think you're worth someone making an effort for? Surely by saying you're an anomaly you must see it's not the norm to have to plan your own birthday.

He's full of shit, and he can't be arsed. If he'd made it clear that he doesn't make a fuss for birthdays, that would be okay.

Instead, he's got your hopes up and pretended he gives a shit. So he's stopped you being able to make other arrangements with friends etc.

Plan a day out, or even go away tonight and leave him behind. He's a selfish twat. And don't ever make an effort for his birthday, as he obviously doesn't think it's important

Could he have planned a surprise party?

Well, @wherethewildrosesgrow time really will tell.

if you do wake up tomorrow to pretty much nothing then YOU need to get yourself up, go out and do something you want to do, and while you’re at it, think through how you’re going to give yourself the biggest gift ever - self worth - and end it with this guy

you deserve to be cherished and valued and this guy just doesn’t do this.

Are you off work tomorrow? Are you expecting him to spring something on you tomorrow?

I was surprised when you said you'd been together for four years, his behaviour seems more in keeping with a very long term relationship when you're part of the wallpaper. This does not bode well.

Definitely go out tomorrow, wherever you want and be gone for a long time. Don't tell him anything about it when you get home late at night. Don't answer his calls (if he makes any) during the day.

If they are special & you care, yes you do.

Opening post also states… Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.

In your shoes I would absolutely take myself out for the day, and treat myself to something nice rather than letting him ruin my day. BUT there's no way I'd be going anywhere before we'd had a conversation about it, he's not getting off that lightly.

I would get up and ask him "so what's the plan for today then?" "Do I need to dress up? I remember you saying you were taking me somewhere really nice, is this top smart enough?" etc etc. If it were me, I would want him to be forced to admit he'd fucked up. If he started with the "is there anywhere you'd like to go? What do you want to do?" I would look shocked and say "you've spent months telling me you have made big plans for my birthday, so were you just lying this whole time?" Maybe it's petty, but i'd want to watch him squirm before taking myself out for the day, treating myself to a nice lunch and some retail therapy. Then when he's had the whole day to ruminate on what an idiot he's been I would come home and, as a final present to myself, bin him off. Because its not really about days out or expensive presents, it's about the fact that he has spent months getting your hopes up, lying, misrepresenting himself as someone thoughtful, generous and considerate when actually he's full of shit. If he let's you down on your birthday then you can pretty much guarantee he'll let you down in other ways and you don't need that in your life.

I think some PPs are a bit dramatic suggesting splitting up over this. He hasn’t forgotten completely, he does want you to have a nice day, this is not a partner who doesn’t care. The laid-backness is disappointing though, and YANBU to be disappointed, especially as he gave you to believe he would be planning something special.

Don’t be passive aggressive about it, be honest, and give him a chance to step up. It would be a shame to spoil your important birthday with an atmosphere or an argument.

“Love, I think you’ve left it a bit too late to plan a surprise for my birthday, so I’ve booked myself in for a spa day (or whatever) tomorrow. We can do breakfast and gifts, then I’m off. Shall we go out for dinner, or will you be cooking? If you want to book the surprise while I’m out during the day and tell me about it in the evening that would be lovely.”

No need to lay it on thick. By being really huffy about it you will just get his back up. If you are straight and non-aggressive about it he will have no reason to be mad back at you and it will be easy for him to see that he’s let the side down and want to make it up to you.

Yes and after you have had a good day. I certainly wouldnt be home till he is in bed.

Wishing you a lovely birthday for tomorrow, go out and do what you want to do, eat some lovely food, maybe go and get your nails done and treat yourself to some flowers. Then have a think about what you want for the future because you deserve more than the way you are currently living

I wouldn't be passive aggressive about it, but given he's made no effort the previous years of their relationship and then told her repeatedly over the course of a year that this one would be different and special, I'd be questioning the lack of care and the lies.

But I would ask him outright. What have you got planned for tomorrow, because you said last year this would be a special surprise and then yesterday you suggested you had to plan it still. And if the answer was that nothing was planned I'd be asking why he'd lied to me for the last year rather than just making the plan. Then, depending on the answers (and whether I believed them/they made sense) I'd be assessing how I felt about the relationship.

The bar doesn't have to be so low that you just accept being strung along for a year and let him off the hook.

Could you book yourself into a nice hotel and spend a couple of days away