Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

It's really poor form to promise to spoil you and then not do it, so YANBU for being disappointed.

Hoping he surprises you tomorrow and it's a double bluff!

It seems like you were pretty clear about what you wanted as well so it's not even much work that has to go into it his end tbh.

Plus the idea of waking up and deciding to get your hair done is laughable. Any big change requires a patch test and can't be booked same day, anything like a wash and blow dry feels a really lame - and alone - way to spend an hour or two that you wanted to spend on a river cruise!!

Happy birthday, lovely lady. And no, you are NOT a princess! You have been primed over a long period to expect something special. I am still hoping that he has something planned xxx

and this is what I would do too!!

I have been let down by a failed promise, it is the complete lack of consideration that got me and ended the relationship. In my case I was 3 months into a new relationship, I had just finished a 3 year course of intense study and had been saying how much I was looking forward to going on holiday again at last. A bank holiday was coming up and my new boyfriend said he would arrange a trip away, 'don't worry about it I will sort it all out'. As the bank holiday approached I asked what we were going to do: nothing had been arranged, he hadn't forgotten, he just hadn't bothered.
What pissed me off is that I had been perfectly willing to arrange something and apart from the insult of not arranging anything despite saying he would, he in effect prevented me from arranging anything so completely wasted the time off.
@wherethewildrosesgrow don't move in with him! Seriously consider your future, as he is showing you who he really is and what he thinks of you.
Have a brilliant day tomorrow! 🛍️🎉🎂

@wherethewildrosesgrow .........
Whether tomorrow is a complete letdown or a delightful surprise..........please let us know what happens!

happy happy birthday for tomorrow. who knows - he might just take you by surprise - if not, well show him the door

That's actually really cruel behaviour OP to gaslight someone into thinking that they were going to make an effort for you and then don't. I would arrange something tonight for you to do tomorrow, have a lovely self indulgent day and then dump his sorry arse.

What was said OP? Did you say you were expecting something booked by now based on his many many promises?

Has he forgotten or is he stupid or just lazy?

Not getting angry is one thing. But I’d be clear that it is really cruel to pretend to do something for a year and then..thin air. He wouldn’t get your sarcasm, I bet.

If you want to book the surprise while I’m out during the day and tell me about it in the evening that would be lovely.”

Hi OP,

I also wanted to wish you a very happy birthday for tomorrow.

It does sound remarkably like your DP has not actually planned anything for the day itself, and as someone who really appreciates a bit of effort, I understand why you'd be upset about this. He has said that he wants to get you something special and make a fuss of you, he said he was taking notes!

I think the fact that you made him something for his birthday and took him out for a picnic sounds lovely: effort and thought count for a lot, whether or not it is $$$.

As someone who does not express their needs very clearly, I do suggest that you actually say out loud to his face "From our conversations, I believed that you were planning a big day for my birthday and I was really looking forward to being a bit spoiled and creating lovely memories together. I bought a dress, I planned for the kids clubs and childcare, and I feel hurt and embarrassed that it seems there is no big plan."

If he is a good man who wants you to feel loved, he will apologise profusely, feel very sheepish, and try his best to make it up to you within days. If he doesn't, it might bethe indicator you need to re-evaluate the relationship. Wanting a nice birthday is very normal and your expectations are entirely in line with what he has said.

Yes this. He needs to be forced to confront what he has(n't) done.

A surprise is one thing, but if it involves pretending you have done nothing it's not a nice surprise. I really doubt he's got a plan. I bet he will look expectantly at OP in the morning waiting for her to organise her own birthday outing.

I agree. I would be upset if DH pretended he hadn't organised anything for my birthday just to surprise me. It's cruel.

I would have a plan B day in mind for yourself OP. Go to a spa, or take yourself shopping and out for lunch but I would wake up in the morning and ask DP what you're doing with the day as he told you he was surprising you. If he really has organised nothing then I'd say you're going out by yourself then and leave him to it. Don't get drawn into an argument, just get up and go.

If he lies to you about little things like organising a birthday treat then you can't trust him with anything and he certainly doesn't value you.

Hopefully he has planned something and is just going about it in an idiotic way but either way I do wish you a happy birthday.

Please take yourself out.

Who convinced women that expecting some effort at a time that is special to you, from the one who claims to love you, is princess behaviour?

I really hopes he pulls something special off for you. Nothing is more off-putting than someone running their mouth with no action to back it up. In this case it would just be cruel.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, this sounds very disappointing. I have been with my DH for 20 yrs and I learned early on to just book / manage my own birthday and Xmas expectations by getting my own gifts / booking my own restaurants myself. So I'm never disappointed. I even pretended to the kids that their dad had done the choosing / bookings. They know now that this was a pretense, but it doesn't matter at all.

Why doesn't it matter that you lied to your children about the fact that their father doesn't care enough about you to think about what would make you happy and buy it for you in time for your birthday?

Why have you covered up for him, and taught your daughters that they needn't expect a man to meet even this low bar, and your sons that they can treat their partners as though their happiness doesn't matter?

I think you take it a lot more seriously than I do. Bless you though for caring so much.

They know now that this was a pretense, but it doesn't matter at all.

It matters a lot. What a sad way to raise your children.

Yes, I do care about men being enabled to treat women like they don't matter.

Bless you for being ok with not mattering.

I think it's very cruel of him to make false promises. Words are easy; actions are much harder. He's taken the easy way out by promising you everything and now it's clear he has nothing planned at all. He is all talk.

I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time with your divorce and so glad you are financially better off now. With regards to this man I'd sit tight and see what he does for your birthday and if that adds up to a big bugger all, then I don't think he's the man for you, I'm afraid.

I hope you have a lovely birthday regardless of him.

If you didn’t take it seriously or cared you wouldn’t have spent 20 years buying your own presents, and lying to your children about it.

Imagine having a DH who sees this, year after year, but still couldn’t be arsed to bother with your needs.

I have witnessed this kind of crazed pile-on here on MN before.

This. I remember reading once about an older lady who was totally ignored by her entire family and all her friends on a significant birthday (I think 70 or 80). No calls, no cards, certainly no gifts.

By the time her children showed up that evening to whisk her off to the surprise party with all her friends and family she had spent all afternoon crying and was in no fit state to go anywhere.

The article may have exaggerated but it made me think about how hurtful surprise parties can be if the people throwing them aren’t careful. The same goes for any surprise outing. If the setup means it’s necessary to cause significant emotional pain before the payoff, it’s not a good idea!