Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

That's the path I would take. But OP knows her relationship and this man best and it's good for her to see differing opinions in case that's what she actually would prefer to do.

When so much stuff is available online and for delivery, meaning much less effort can be put in, his random cake and too late is maddening.

Its nasty and insulting - like he can buy her. Really degrading like he can shit on you all day and then fling cash at you like a sex worker and you are to be grateful? Vile.

Know that this was all intentional to subjugate you.

Dont give him words or a reaction - just shut him right out.

He is covertly abusive. He CHOSE to hurt and humiliate you.

Up till this birthday disaster, the OP seems to have been happy in the relationship.
In an earlier post she said..."He normally is really good, and I’m happy in the relationship, we don’t live together yet, as this hasn’t been possible, due to the divorce. we did plan on moving in together maybe nest year."

The usual MN chorus of 'Dump him'...doesn't affect them, it will affect the OP, and the future of her and her family.

That's why it's always better to calm down before making definite plans, and they should come from her own considerations, not random strangers.

This was the next time.

He sounds like a chocolate teapot

At least you can eat a chocolate teapot! This one's for the bin, his behaviour is outrageous, forgetting / not bothering about your special birthday despite bigging it up for months, then having the cheek to buy his mother and family gifts ahead of Mother's Day and Easter and store them in your kitchen to thrust his lack of care for you in your face. He is a disgusting human.

Sorry for you @wherethewildrosesgrow you'll be so much better off without this useless mean-spirited lump of offal.

Sending lots of love OP. You have been amazingly level headed and strong throughout this IMO.

Its so hurtful when the person who should care the most takes you for granted, I have been there and he is definitely better now but honestly I have never felt the same about him.

This is pretty unforgivable in my opinion. I’d maybe understand if he was under a great deal of stress etc but he has no explanation as to why he just didn’t bother.
The lack of effort just screams how disinterested he is in doing something nice for you. Later on offering such a large sum of money shows his guilty and a cake once the children were asleep is just stupidity.

My dh did this once when we started dating, his family weren’t big on birthdays etc so he didn’t see the big deal until he realised how hurt I was. Like you, I wasn’t expecting big expensive gifts, I wanted to go to the beach for the day and go a restaurant that we always spoke about. It took a while to forgive but nothing like that has ever happened again and now he makes such a big deal for our family birthdays.

I wanted to say exactly this but I'm not having a very switched on day.

It's transactional and....depressing. I would have no respect for my DH if he did this. The grandstanding prior just makes it all bullshit.

It’s really insulting. It’s saying that op only cares about materialistic expression. It’s not what she wanted at all.

You wouldn't drink a cup of coffee if there was 5% shit in it.
It would be intolerable.

If the 5% bad in the relationship was annoying habits thats one thing to compromise over and consider to tolerate but in this instance this ugly character has deliberately and intentionlly engaged in multiple fake conversations about plans for a significant birthday and then performatively humilated the OP by doing nothing and insulting her further with the cash and the cake he knows she doesnt like. He's nasty and holds active resentment and contempt for the OP. She needs to take herself out of his covert punching distance.

The 5% analogy doesn't apply to relationships really. No-one is perfect. I'm sure 5% of my behaviour, DH would love to toe into the long grass but the rest suits him down to the ground and vice versa.

It's when you get to the 80/20 split or worse, I think you have to start thinking about boxes being ticked. The nature of the percent you find unappealing has to be scrutinised as well. Behaviour like the OP's husband is not on a par with leaving the bog seat up or wearing a Disney T shirt.

I don’t know what to say OP, it’s like he doesn’t think it matters enough to bother. The cake would piss me right off, too. Same as a pp I had a similar incident with my DH, bollocked him, and he really did pull his socks up. Yours just doesn’t seem to want to. You deserve better OP. Look after yourself.

I'm getting a strong whiff of coercive control from him. He knew your birthday was coming up, and that it was a big one, but he deliberately chose to ignore it. It was deliberate, no question. Just as the gifts he's inexplicably storing in your kitchen are deliberately designed to rub your nose in it.

But here's the thing: instead of you doing what you were supposed to, which was to rollover compliantly with a meek "it doesn't matter, don't worry about it", you've quite rightly expressed disappointment and it's thrown him. That wasn't in his script at all. You were not supposed to be upset with him. You were supposed to take it on the chin like that good little lady you are. That's why he cannot offer any explanation other than a "I don't know". You've thrown his narrative.

Please give yourself a belated present and dump his controlling arse.

'we don’t live together yet, as this hasn’t been possible, due to the divorce.
we did plan on moving in together maybe nest year.'

however it is clear that he stays at your home a lot...
he was there on
Sat
Sun

all day on your birthday - despite you being out for the day he even continued to stay in your home that evening whilst you and the children were out for dinner

then slept on the sofa !

still there the next morning and was still there once the children had gone to school and ignored you when you told him to be gone by the time you got home on Tuesday - he was still there !!!

he even has his Mum's gifts for Mother's Day and his nephews Easter eggs in your home.

he does have a place of his own to return to ?

he future faked you for 9 months regarding your birthday - since your 49th birthday until just after Christmas

then he went silent re your birthday ?
until 2 days before !

the rest we sadly know - you received zilch !

zilch with the exception of a quickly bought supermarket cake - I guess he dashed out when he realised you and the children were eating out, and he wasn't eating out with you all and had to fend for himself.

did he not remember or care about all the effort you made last year for his birthday

he has shown that you don't matter at all - to him

The nature of the percent you find unappealing has to be scrutinised as well. Behaviour like the OP's husband is not on a par with leaving the bog seat up or wearing a Disney T shirt.

Agree 100%.

However even 1% shit cannot / should not be stomached depending on the nature and severity of the behaviour.

I dont see the OPs partners behaviour as a one off mistake - I see it as a long drawn out covert passive aggressive humiliation which went on for weeks with every single conversation about the birthday celebrations - he disingenuously led her up the garden path and then deeply hurt and degraded her at her most vulnerable. Nasty - but he will likely do the performative plausible deniability act if she gives him the platform.

He had the time, ideas & money.
He had the reminder, as you asked what you should wear…
Sadly, he cant be arsed to show any love, or kindness. He more of less lives in your house.
He is not good enough. He needs to be told to slope off back to Mummys, with her presents.
& leave his key

This tells you all you need to know. He’s bought his mum a present for Mother’s Day well in advance. He couldn’t be arsed to get you anything for your big birthday.

Really OP, as a previous poster said he needs to get in the bin. You deserve better.

Indeed.

My husband has enormous amounts of goodwill when it comes to gifts. He'll spend a lot, plan a lot, and really wants to get it right.

Unfortunately, his 5% is that he'll leave wrapping it until the last minute (this is even for parcels I've taken in at the door a week before).

That's a tolerable 5% error (ok, I still find it really annoying that he huffs and sighs about wrapping at 9.30pm the night before).

is it me or does storing his gifts for his Mother and his nephew and cousin in your kitchen - for you to discover - seem to be a little bit pass agg?

If it was me, any lingering doubts would now be clarified.
He's either

1. as thick as a plank and been totally unable to read the room, despite considerable assistance, or
2. he's left it there to show you that he can think ahead and buy gifts, just not for you.Perhaps he thinks it shows he's a generous person really and this is what you will be missing out on.. laughable.

Where's the easter eggs for you and your children?

You are correct about the coffee, and if you can compare a so far serious relationship with a cup of coffee I would agree.
But we are talking about human behaviour, so it's a strawman argument.

Plus he knew damn well that the cash would be turned down.. what good was it afterall. She didn't ask for expensive presents, she asked for a nice day.

I'd forgotten about his inability to explain himself beyond repeated "I don't know"... it really translates as "I'm not prepared to say"

OP.. it really is your decision, but if it was me I'd fire the "easter" gifts and any remaining belongings into the front garden. Change the locks and reply to the subsequent pathetic texts "I don't know."

Those damn Easter gifts for other people "stored" in your kitchen really are the icing on the Chocolate and Buttercream (which he knows you don't like) supermarket cake.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff He's not bought OP's egg yet, it's going to be a handmade, special one. Months of planning.

Yep. Nutshell.

Even in the event he is just a bimbling idiot, that level of idiocy is dangerous to be around frankly and not in the least sexy.

Just when I thought I couldn't get any more shocked, my jaw dropped right down to Australia. JFC. I'm so glad you threw him out. Some people really, really do not deserve a partner.