Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

This. I'm sorry he's behaved so hurtfully OP.

dump him OP

This is a terrible thing to say @wherethewildrosesgrow , because you seem lovely. So this bad treatment is undeserved.

But...
He did nothing for you because at root, he didn't WANT to do anything for you. The bits he did (the late cake) were wrong because he actively sabotaged it. He will have some awareness of having done this, although part of it will have been subconscious. He is at root resentful for having to do things for you.

I had an ex like this. Couldn't do enough for others. Never for me. Because ultimately, I was someone he was settling for.

Do you get the impression in other ways that he doesn't really love you?

So he's perfectly capable of buying in advance for Mother's day and Easter for his family, but he couldn't manage to buy you anything for your special birthday. Leaving their presents at your home is frankly cruel or at least very, very thoughtless. People on here always say when someone tells who they are believe them, well he's certainly shown you who he is Op

Oh lovely

this is it isn’t it. He can’t make it right, by promising the world he just made it all worse didn’t he

Gosh it's worse that I expected.

He simply couldn't be arsed to do all those things for you he had talked about and promised.

And yet he dangled all these plans & promises in front of you, so you didn't/couldn't/wouldn't make you own plans with family and friends.

I find his behaviour dreadfully cruel and callous.

Then he tries to make things right with cash, unfelt apologies and a cake you don't even like. The thoughtlessness continues. What an idiot.

So sorry OP.

He's being passive aggressive.

I suspect he had an overbearing or engulfing mother that he couldnt express his emotions to so has subconscious simmering resentment which he projects on to you instead.

He really has hurt you deeply and personally. This is abuse dressed up in a 'quiet' way - one of plausibe deniability - to make you doubt yourself and feel irrational.

He's nasty underneath. What's his realtionship history.

You desrve better. He doesnt even deserve any further communication - he would probably get off on seeing you hurt and stressed - dont give him the pleasure. Detach with dignity. Dont dwell on him. Re-focus your hurt on keeping busy with distracting activities. Your indifference and living well will sting him.

@wherethewildrosesgrow you don’t have anything to feel embarrassed about- you can’t control someone else’s actions but you can learn from them.

ok that week wasn’t what you wanted or expected. But you know you can’t rely on him so he gets the boot. Don’t give him another opportunity to upset you.

the things you really wanted to do- pick on and organise with your sister. If people ask at work you can say it was a nice week or you can be honest an say ‘I’ve had a nightmare, my partner went all weird and we’ve ended up splitting up! Think I need to redo my 50th in a few weeks instead!’
if you’re close with work people they’ll rally around, maybe you can organise a dinner.

loving yourself and prioritising your wants and needs is a really good thing to do. I know we’ve all been raised with this fairy tale of the man swooping in and doing big gestures. But if it isn’t happening, it doesn’t define you. You are worthy of love and effort.

so until then you be the person to show that love, effort and kindness to yourself. Then next Time you meet someone you’ll know if they are falling short of that.

happy birthday and I hope you take yourself out for some delicious cake x

51st birthday parties are the new 50ths!

Start planning your perfect party/celebration for next year now.
Of course, dickhead isn't invited!

He made a choice to do absolutely nothing. That tells you all you need to know.

It takes effort to get £1000 cash unless you are someone who deals in cash for business reasons (and then it wouldn't be your personal cash to give to someone). I suspect that very few people have this amount of money just lying around. My bank limits withdrawals to £300 a day, so you would have to go on four days to withdraw £1000.

So if he could go to that effort, it seems very deliberate that he did this and nothing else. Please don't stay with him. This will always be at the back of your mind.

I'm reading through again this morning and what I didn't say in my post last night is - THANK YOU - for taking the time to update us. I think it must have been difficult to come back and write about this disappointing day but for those of us following I know I'd have always been wondering what he did/didn't do. So, thanks xx

This is a pretty controlling response to @Yarden . Is it not good that there are differing views for OP on this thread?

Fwiw I think OP has had a terrible time but it could also be true that her partner can just be utterly crap rather than manipulative/controlling etc. It's up to her to decide, surely?

Also OP, I strongly feel you should find somewhere safe and smash your pot! Like the two schoolboys on the roof with the desk set in Dead Poets Society.

I do think some good men can be rubbish organisers. And some men are just all round crap. Either is fine for you not to want to live with, obviously. Take care of yourself. I hope things work out the way you want.

Dump him. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. Birthdays aren't about money. They are about thought. Throwing money at you at the end of a thoughtless day is insulting.

We don't have money, and our birthdays are usually a day trip to somewhere free or cheap like museum, art gallery or a groupon and a packed lunch. Gifts are things we need not want. My H always gets new sock, boxers, lynx set and mango shower gel (thoughtfully picked by DC1). The kids make handmade cards. He's allergic to dairy so I get a vegan cake for him. He happy he was thought of.

You P could have done better. He chose not to.

This is so true! This is the classic tevenge a narcissist/passive aggressive man takes when forced to do something nice for someone else that is of no value to his narcissistic supply. He can go all out for other people when it suits him. But he won’t spend real time and effort on you because secretly he feels you don’t deserve it or he shouldn’t have to do it for you.

It sounds like he takes you completely for granted, to buy others gifts and not you, especially when he promised so much, is really thoughtless.
You have been hurt, and it will take time to come to terms with how he has acted.
You did say that normally the relationship was good...so whether this has been a massive blip, or a real wake up call that all is not well, only you can decide.

I would not make any decision for a week or two, then your gut feeling will tell you the best way to go.
Good luck.

Are you out of your mind??

Forgive him??

For a whole year of empty promises and then doing nothing?

And when he does do something it's not just with no thought, he seems to have gone out of his way to deliberately do things to upset her

Maybe because you acted in a similar unkind way you can empathise but the rest of us think he is actively being unkind.

It would be a very cold day in Hell before I forgave him for any of this

He needs to go.

Seems to me he's rubbing it in now

You literally just walk into your bank.

There’s few things more unattractive than a pathetic man, and that’s how he sounds- sitting there with his cake.

It does sound like some sort of decision paralysis was at play here but it’s no excuse, he’s behaved absolutely appallingly. What’s he like normally, what’s your relationship like normally?

I don't know that he is, he just seems to have lurched from bad to worse, he does sound pretty hopless on this occasion.
I do think relationships have to be looked at as a whole. If someone is good 95% of the time, they should be allowed the odd blip....and I am speaking as a long married woman who has had many ups and downs in marriage.

Only the OP can decide if she wants him to stay or go, and she should take time in making her final decision,

I love this saying. It is so true.

Putting a k cash on the table is so low effort, I would be so fricken angry.

For what it's worth, I agree with you. But what the PP said was that she should allow herself to forgive. If he apologises properly and definitely means it.

There's also a difference between forgiving to move on and forgiving to continually be walked over. Even if they don't stay together, OP could forgive him for herself. To let it go from sitting in her gut.

The only way to know if he means it is if he steps up the next time

But what if he doesn't?

What a waste of time and emotion