Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

Re. your last paragraph, how can anyone be hopeless about buying a gift or booking somewhere to go? It's not exactly hard. I'm sure they manage to go to the shops to buy other items, or to book things that they want to go to, like a concert or holiday or a day out. This thing of saying that someone's just hopeless at birthdays is an excuse. I'd only accept it if they were unable to buy anything, ever, or to book anything ever, which would indicate a quite severely limiting medical condition. Which would be different.

But in the OP's case, we know he is able to shop because he bought her a cake.

There is NO excuse for what he's done. He's meant to love her but he absolutely ruined a huge birthday. for her.

I'm so hurt for you. I genuinely can't fathom why he thought it wouldn't cause you pain.

I had a husband like this. My birthday was on the same day as another of his family members and he made such a fuss about this as he said it was double the cost. I almost felt like I had to be overly grateful for the dvd that he’d scraped the barrel to give me. It has seriously impacted my birthday now, I absolutely hate it and haven’t celebrated I’d say for 15 years.

@HAB75 We do make concessions later in life and compromise more than we would have done when we were younger,

We do? Other way round for me!

They should still go separate ways if they live together!

Not at 9pm at night though. He either went to the bank during the day on her birthday or he did do spaced cashpoint withdrawals - i.e. planned this hurt. If the former, why could he go to the bank but not a shop to get her a nice git?

SO fucking insulting. And it's a pity that OP didn't smash that cake in his face.

Totally agree, and aside from all of that, OP did give him ideas. Four to choose from. He informed her that they weren't good enough for her because he felt like she deserved more.

Then did literally nothing except try to throw money at her after doing nothing.

OP, you deserve someone who treats you with consideration and care. I hope this awful episode is the beginning of a more positive chapter for you.

So he bought you something you don't even like well past it meaning anything to you anyway.

And has shown you he's managed to plan and sort gift for everyone else who's important in his life in advance.

You just didn't rate. I'd point this out to him as you hand him his stuff in bin bags at the door.

I suppose some men might try to turn it round on you and get very defensive, probably say it's not the end of the world and all that. At least he's aplogetic but Jesus Christ that's piss poor behaviour from a grown adult. It's all the big talk and promises which failed to materialise which would floor me. How ineffectual and inadequate he seems. Then to offer you a wad of cash and a crap cake - it's either a bizarre lack of class and empathy or he's playing a weird mind game. You can't trust him to keep his word, take responsibility, show he cares or even reflect on why he can't get his act together. Frankly, whatever he does now (and he might pull out all the stops if he thinks you're going to dump him) will be coloured by this shit treatment of you.

I see the cash & cake as putting himself in the right even though he's absolutely in the wrong. If anyone asks what he did for OP's birthday, he can say, "I gave her a grand to spend however she wanted, & I got her a beautiful birthday cake with candles," & everyone will go, "Aah!" & not understand how OP could turn nasty after that & throw him out.

It's an old trick to set up situations which can be lied about in a kind-of truthy way.

Why didn't he clear off when OP asked/told him to, when she went out? He was still there when she got back. It just feels like he hadn't hurt her enough - that or, as someone upthread said, he's emotionally stupid.

I'm so impressed that OP not only sorted out something to do on her birthday but took her DC out to eat, too. I agree about keeping the painted bowl: one day it will be very precious, although at the moment it may be painful to look at.

Jesus….

If ever there was a time to wheel out the expression “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” it’s now…

he can plan he can be organised he can be thoughtful just not for you…

also I love that he couldn’t even just give you space and when you clearly said please don’t be home he couldn’t respect or prioritise you enough to do that. He prioritise ld himself and his feelings (he “needed” you to say it was okay… you understand you forgive him, he can make it up to you)

he doesn’t respect you
he doesn’t prioritise you…

in the bin you go…

Nothing to fathom. He did know. He just didn't care.

Or, rather, he cared plenty about the extended preamble and fake planning, leading OP to believe she would be given a special day.

He cared about leaving her hanging, asking what she should wear and would they need childcare with no reply.

He cared about blatantly ignoring her request to make himself scarce after her self-created birthday, sitting in her house to make his point.

He cared enough to make it obvious he could afford a brilliant gift but simply didn't want to get it for her.

He took care to buy a cake she wouldn't like.

He knew it would cause her pain.

It's a bloody bizarre effort to make! The only comprehensible aim would be to make it clear that OP must never have expectations of her partner, disregard any promises he makes, and be grateful for whatever he chooses to slap on her kitchen table. I'm glad she's decided not to accept these terms.

I can’t believe you both booked the week off work so you could enjoy a special time together. What did he do with that time? He could have ordered you a present, bought a card, booked one of the things you wanted, booked a lunch (not hard.)

Ask him what you should say to friends and family when they ask how you spent your 50th.

Maybe the £1000 was to show how generous he is but it didn’t take any effort or thought.

I see the cash & cake as putting himself in the right even though he's absolutely in the wrong. If anyone asks what he did for OP's birthday, he can say, "I gave her a grand to spend however she wanted, & I got her a beautiful birthday cake with candles," & everyone will go, "Aah!" & not understand how OP could turn nasty after that & throw him out.

It's an old trick to set up situations which can be lied about in a kind-of truthy way

Crikey @ifIwerenotanandroid I hadn't thought of it this way but I think you are absolutely right! Covering his arse in case anyone tries to ask him what happened! The devious skunk!

Well, I may be wrong, but I had somebody do exactly that in my own family (family of origin, not DH) & lie to all & sundry about it afterwards. They weren't 100% believed by the people they lied to, but the liars gave it their best shot!

I agree with this.
We have been NC with PIL for over 5 years. Occasionally MIL will send the most passive aggressive birthday card to DH. It's so obvious it's so she can tell people she tries (she had masses of opportunity when it would have mattered to us).
She is always the victim...

No way! Absolutely not! He has no excuse for how he's behaved - @wherethewildrosesgrow wasn't asking for the moon on a stick or a massive fuss - just a bit of effort & thought - which he went on & on & on about doing for her!! He's not incapable, he knew exactly what she wanted, had ample time, reminders, plenty of funds & yet CHOSE to do absolutely fuck all!!! 😡

I'm so sorry he's been so shit. Please don't feel embarrassed though - you've not done anything wrong; he has.

He dined out on how amazing he was for a whole year - promises about holidays and baking cakes. Loads of praise and good feelings toward him without him actually having to lift a finger.

He's hoping you just accept it and move on.

Erm…I think we have the same FIL. So depressing when you realise you’ve given your children a useless grandparent.