Shall I just get up and go out?

[wherethewildrosesgrow]

Tomorrow is a big birthday for me, normally we don’t celebrate that much, couple of token gifts, breakfast in bed, a takeaway.
Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.
I’m going to surprise you.
Its been talked about by DP a lot, right up til Christmas, how he’s going to get me something special, we’ll go somewhere really nice, etc.
I’ve mentioned loads of semi local places that I might like to visit for the day, restaurants that look nice, things I’ve always wanted, but never bought (not that expensive).
He said he was making notes for my birthday.
Yesterday we were out shopping, and DP mentioned that he was still to organise ‘stuff’ for my birthday.
He asked me if I’d like anything in particular, would I like to get my hair/nails done, or go anywhere special!
Nothings planned is it?
Ive got no gifts.

The likelihood of one of the restaurants/pubs I might like to try having a table available, is zero.
Ditto to any hairdressers.
I bet he won’t even make me a brew!
We’ve been together nearly four years, I had the worst year last year, with terminal illness in the family, and I’ve just finalised terrible divorce, which took nearly six years.
I hope I don’t sound like a spoilt Princess, because I’m really not.
Ive barely been able to afford to feed myself for the last few years, due to legal bills, my haircuts normally just a few quid from a family member.
Ive only had my nails done twice in my life, and the gifts/days out I’ve mentioned would total less that £100 each, yes he does have the funds, he’s told me he’s set them aside, and more besides.
But to plan NOTHING?
AIBU, to just say Fuck it, get up and go out for the day on my own, to one of the places I want to go.

lol are you OP’s husband? @Yarden

i absolutely wouldn’t forgive him nor should OP

I would be done with him. Actions speak louder than words. You deserve better.

Not his, so there's a good chance they won't be impacted too much.

I think this is a dumping offence. It's not as though your birthday completely slipped his mind. He's been promising all sorts of treats for ages and getting off on your pleasure, Then he does absolutely fuck all. Worse than that he gets you a cake you don't even like when it's time to go to bed - what the hell is the point of that? And then he asks you to store his relatives' gifts while not giving you one for such an important birthday? What a horrible man he is.

Nor do understand it one bit, he's intelligent, and normally so well aware of other peoples feelings.
Just not mine it seems.

@wherethewildrosesgrow I'm sorry but it's because you're not a priority to him, and he's just not that bothered.

Get rid of him, it's not going to get any better. You are wasting your time with him.

If any of those gifts for his relatives are edible, I'd eat 'em.

Absolutely this!

I 100% agree with your assessment that this was a training exercise, meant to lick the OP in shape for a lifetime of low expectations and abuse.

Take a bite out of each and then bin them. Unless they’re tastier than the diabetes in a box birthday cake he picked up for you, then eat the lot.

I’d be eating or gifting those gifts today. When asked you say ‘I don’t know where they are, what were they really for? You told me gifts but we both know you don’t carefully pre buy gifts.’

Have you never had the experience of putting off a decision because you want it to be the exact right thing and then realising you’ve left it all too
late? Given how upset he is and wanting to make it right I’d definitely give him a chance to do that. I mean, if you want out of the relationship then fine, no excuse needed. if it is only the birthday then yes it’s shit but it’s totally recoverable.

I dated someone like this once upon a time, he used to constantly gush about all the amazing things he was going to do (I never requested any of it), but then never actually DID any of it.

Example 1 - I've redecorated my spare bedroom for your DC to stay over one day. (When I arrived a few days later the bedroom was as it had always been, and never changed till the day I dumped him)

Example 2 - I've got fairy lights and have planned a special garden cinema night for us this weekend. (Said garden cinema with fairy lights never happened)

These things he "planned" to do were always super extravagant and out of the ordinary, and even though I had zero expectations of this kind of thing, it was of course disappointing/upsetting when it never happened.

Then he would play the victim when I raised it as an issue or upsetting. So it turns out he was actually just a compulsive liar 😂 utterly bonkers

I could put good money on him repeating this kind of thing over and over again. Not making an effort for something is 1 thing, but to essentially goad the OP is a whole other issue

Christ almighty.
He’s a ringing endorsement for “why I left that bastard and never looked back.”
You’re all you’ve got.
You’re valuable.
Don’t let this pitiful excuse for a man keep dragging you down until you’re convinced you deserve the shitty treatment - or no treatment at all - he subjects you to.
You’re worth far more than this jackass.
You’re better off alone. At least that way, the person you live with would value you.
Think about it.
In the meantime, I’m sending you love and support from California no matter what you do. ❤️

You have a very low bar of how to be treated

Right at the start of her first post, OP says Last year I got a last minute gift voucher, with the promise of ‘next year will be really special’.

This was the chance to make it right.

"when they show you who they are the first time believe them"

How degrading to be deprioritised.

No. If I can't decide what would make it best for someone else, I talk to them. I don't just ignore the event entirely until it's bedtime then try and give them something they don't want or like.

I also don't take a chance to make it up to someone, big it up for a year, then do a worse thing than I originally did.

Decent adult people don't treat people they love like this.

You haven’t bothered to read any of the OP’s updates have you? Or are women so lacking in worth in your eyes that we don’t deserve any respect?

This was the second chance. And he didn’t even bother with a card. Despite having preemptively bought and stored presents and cards for his mother for Mothers Day, at the OP’s house. Despite spending a year promising. He just couldn’t be arsed.

Don’t make excuses for dicks.

Oddly, perhaps, but the worst thing for me is the pile of cash on the table, as if OP was a sex worker.

Poor little man-lamb, all upset!
He didn't just put off the decision - he didn't say or do.anything on the day. That isn't "indecision", it is a calculated choice.

Is he upset because he's upset OP? Or is he upset because she hasn't followed his script and let him off the hook for being a pathetic excuse for a partner? And how is he wanting to make it right? With a supermarket cake full of ingredients he knows she doesn't like?

If you'd be happy with that, you need to seriously raise your bar!

Yes, he got away with a thoughtless last-minute gesture and a promise last year and realised how little he had to do (or so he thought). This year, nada.

That isn't indecision, it is calculated risk.

My opinion is - he did this deliberately, so the OP would get upset. He'd then have a row to upset her even more, after which she would be so broken he'd take her out for a pie and a pint at his favourite pub and she'd be so grateful they'd "got through it" that she'd be his bitch forever.

Not in Mumsnetland.😆

But he did it last year too, and promised better this year. Barring some drip feed of him being ND or having MH issues he’s just a useless cock who manages to buy gifts for everyone but OP.