Husband calling me by name in front of kids

[Minniemousse8]

My husband has gradually started calling me by my name when talking to our kids. For example, ‘Can you tell Helen that dinner is ready’ instead of ‘Can you tell mum’. Not all the time, but much more frequently.

I feel quite an emotional reaction to this. Like it’s somehow a demotion of parental status - as if I’m their step-mum (I am a step-mum also), or some lady down the road.

I’ve asked him to please not do it and explained why, but it’s obvious he feels I am overreacting and it frustrates him that I care.

AIBU to want him to cut this out? Or am I over sensitive?

My kids are the same age as yours, and often call us by our names, probably more often that Mum and Dad to be honest.

But the issue is he isn’t respecting how you feel about it.

Or Irish

I’ve never referred to the childrens Dad as Dad as he is not my Dad. I’d say your Dad if not in earshot but I’d refer to him by name if present and needed to speak to him.

As long as he’s not encouraging your kids to call you Helen instead of Mum I really can’t see the issue. That’s how he thinks of you, as a fellow adult not just a mum. I call DH both Dad and his first name to his kids, no one has an issue with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s still their mum though the fact that her husband now uses her actual name doesn’t change that at - nor does it change the authority she has.

When I was growing up my parents would refer to each other by their actual names or nicknames - sometimes they’d say “go and ask your mother” but they’d never refer to each other as “mum” or “dad” - I’d have found that so odd!

YANBU

He’s being disrespectful to you. If you’ve told him how you feel and he still keeps doing it, he’s not taking your feelings into account. There’s an element of control there.

We all should be called what we prefer, rather than what someone else prefers to call us. It’s basic respect.

Ask him why he’s still doing it when you’ve asked him not to. Ask him if he cares how you feel? Questions are best, as it means they have to account for themselves. It forces them to think and explain what they’re trying to achieve by ignoring someone else’s feelings.

I don’t believe for one second he “can’t help it”. Why wouldn’t a presumably functioning adult male not be able to control a sudden change in the way he describes his wife to their shared children?

If he knows you hate it and he continues to do it, then I’d presume something quite unpleasant at the root of it.

Meh, don’t sweat it. They are 11 and 14, not little kids. But, if that’s the case, you and your husband should be referred to by name.

Have you actually asked him why he does it? I can see you've told him not to but what's the actual reason he's doing it?

Why should parents be referred to by their name when kids get to a certain age?

When I opened the thread I thought it was going to be him calling you a bad name of some kind, but he's only calling you by your actual name and the kids are 11 and 14, I don't see the big deal. Obviously if it's a really big deal to you and you feel so easily demoted from motherhood, then you can keep having it out and being upset so he knows you must always be called mum forever. But I can see why he'd slip into it and it wouldn't change how the kids see you at all, it's your name and not any kind of an insult. Kids that age can start feeling odd about what to call their parents anyway, ours turned more silly than affectionate. I think you have to detach this issue from your status. You'll always be their mum regardless.

YANBU. My DH deliberately taught DS when he was 1 year old to call me by name because he thought it was funny, and I was very upset by it.

One of my daughters has children similar ages to yours with her DH and he has an adult dd who has been in her life since she was 5, always called her eg Susan. Her DH has been able to say mum when younger kids involved, Susan when it’s his dd involved so your husband is being a disrespectful twat.

YADNBU.

It’s weird and doesn’t feel like it comes from a good place.

I’d want him to explain why he’s suddenly doing it and then make it very clear (again) that it’s disrespectful and needs to stop.

My niece refers to and calls her Dad by his name and it annoys him. To be fair despite living in the same house he's prioritised his business and parents over family life. Never doing family things or spending time with his daughter on a one to one basis or any other basis come to that.

Our parents used to say "go and ask your mother/father" despite us calling them Mam and Dad (Mammy and Daddy when younger).

My DC5 sometimes calls his dad by his first name - for example if I’m calling his dad upstairs DC will copy and yell his name… and partner absolutely hates it! Says “no, you need to call me Dad” etc I support him in this obv but DC doesn’t mean anything by it he’s just copying me. I always refer to him as Dad when talking about Dad to DC, it’s just when I’m talking to my partner directly I tend to use his name. He’s not my dad!

I’d definitely match him on this and maybe give him a nickname you only use when you’re talking to the kids.

Growing up I always called my parents by their names. I didn’t grow up in this country and it was never an issue. When I had my own children here in the U.K., they always just called us by our names too and I had so many negative reactions to it which really baffled me. I think your preference should be respected though.

But her husband isn’t doing that, he’s saying “ask Helen” or “tell Helen…” it’s not that he’s just calling her by name front of them, as in “Helen, what time are we leaving?” He’s referring to her by her name to their shared kids.
I agree that calling each other mum or dad is weird though. I had a friend at school whose parents referred to each other as “Mummy” and “Daddy” long after parents were very much “mum and dad”.
I’ve just now got off the phone to my friend of many years and I know her mum very well, I’d call her by her first name when talking TO her but when I’m talking about her like I just did to my friend I’d say “how’s your mum?”
So I do find it weird that her very own husband is suddenly out of no where saying to the kids “ask Helen…”. You’d just say “ask your mum”.

We never call each other mummy or daddy, it makes me cringe when I hear people do that. Daddy would you like a cup of tea? 🤢
We do refer to each other in that way to DS, eg your dad is working late tonight so it's just you and me for dinner is there anything in particular you'd like? When he was a toddler and realised we had actual names he tried calling DH by his for a bit but we shut it down.
Have you asked him why he has changed? Rather than telling him you dislike it.

But did he say why? What has he said about it, you havent mentioned this

I would call him by his name to the children, within earshot, just to see if he likes it or has a problem with it. You might think it is childish playing tit for tat, but you have asked him not to, and explained why but he is still doing it so he obviously isn't bothered what you think!

Get a grip, they know your name and they know you're their mum.

I don't understand why this is a problem - what's wrong with him using your name to your DC?

Oooh those ages are perfect for an in-joke!

Next time he does it in your hearing I'd say to the kids in front of him "Every time he calls me Susan instead of mum I'm going to call him "Tinkerbell, queen of fairyland, bringer of light" instead of Dad" and start doing it.

The kids will find it hilarious and it'll be a lot more irritating than him using your name. Every time he get wound up say to him "why are you getting frustrated? you thought it was nothing when I asked you to call me mum to the kids. why is this an issue Tinkerbell?"