Husband calling me by name in front of kids

[Minniemousse8]

My husband has gradually started calling me by my name when talking to our kids. For example, ‘Can you tell Helen that dinner is ready’ instead of ‘Can you tell mum’. Not all the time, but much more frequently.

I feel quite an emotional reaction to this. Like it’s somehow a demotion of parental status - as if I’m their step-mum (I am a step-mum also), or some lady down the road.

I’ve asked him to please not do it and explained why, but it’s obvious he feels I am overreacting and it frustrates him that I care.

AIBU to want him to cut this out? Or am I over sensitive?

I'm in my sixties and my eighty-something mother is definitely Mum. I use her name when I'm introducing her to someone eg, my DH. He and I were both very young at the time and using her given name felt most odd, even if it was correct. After all, he had a relationship with his own mother and wasn't looking for another one. He uses my Mum's first name and I did the same with his mother who we lost in 2020. (It was the same for our Dads.)

I know others do these things differently and that's their choice, but for our family, what we call people represents a valued boundary. I grew up with aunts and uncles (some of them not blood related, but they'd been around for so long it didn't matter) and much older cousins who were Cousin So-and-So till I was into adolescence.

So you need to mention it again, and make it clear that what you are called is important to you, and you want him to stop using your first name when he speaks to the children. And if he says he can't help it, then tell him that you're concerned for his cognitive health, because that really isn't normal.

It’s really interesting that you and a few others have mentioned cognitive health, because he does have minor cognitive impairment following some major surgery a while back. He’s done so well in his recovery, but there are a few residual cognitive scars as well as physical scars.

Well he even said he isnt sure why he does it, its not purposeful, its not done out of any offence, its not done to take the piss, he may just find himself doing and not realise why. So he is asking why its a problem

This might be how his cognitive functioning is affecting him.

I would personally much prefer to be referred to by my name and I wish I'd insisted on it from the start when we had kids. But that's beside the point - if its not what you want and he's just recently decided to change then YANBU

I probably have quite a different stance on this, in that beyond the age of about 14, I called both my parents by their first names (interchangeably with Mum/Dad) - their logic for this was that they don't call me "daughter" so if I wanted to use their first names I could. I'd have no real problem with any future kids of mine calling me by my name however my DH is absolutely opposed to it and I get that, so the issue here is your husband not respecting your wishes

I agree with this, you’ve expressed it well.

It feels like certain men do it deliberately because they enjoy causing you that upset. I find that quite sinister.

So 133 posts in, we now learn he’s got cognitive impairment!??? Give him a break!

I was about to say could it be some kind of dementia/memory loss when you said about cognitive impairment, I’d definitely be worried about his mind.

I get what you’re saying, but you don’t know him. He is a fully operational person, who just sometimes glitches. I’m not going to go into what these glitches look like, but not calling me mum to our kids is not how it has typically manifested. But maybe now it does? Perhaps I should be more relaxed. It’s just hard when it hurts.

I wouldn't like it. We even say mummy and daddy when talking to the pets! (They understand every word, obviously. )

Any idea why your DH wants to create this distance? Have you asked him?

Creation of distance was what stood out to me a mile off.

You said step kids are adults and have moved out (and moved on). It is like he can't wait for your ones to also become adults and move out (move on) and then he can be free of you and of your kids. Albeit by making them independent of you prematurely, and get them used to the new distance with you, and so to feel like he has prepared the kids well.

Anything else going on in your relationship? Anything else going on with him? 'These are the subtle signs someone is having an affair- I know, I know- only for people to come back and say there were little signs they ignored. @Minniemousse8

this!

It’s like saying Elizabeth instead of the Queen, or addressing your GP as Lynn rather than Doctor.

The only time I talked about my parents by their names is when I was annoyed with them, and didn’t want to show them the respect + authority a parent deserves.

We call our GP by his first name! Well when we had a named one. It’s hardly a crime. I don’t get all this “name equals respect” bit. Respect has to be earned. Not saying the op hasn’t earned respect but she needs to have a deeper conversation with DH about cognitive glitches. Seems important to me.

I agree.

Same here. My sister and I called them Mum and Dad but they used their names talking to each other.

YANBU. Our DCs have always called as by our names, but that's our preference. It isn't yours, and your DH knows that it isn't

Honestly it doesn't matter what anyone on this thread feels about having their partner refer to them by their first name, the OP says it bothers her and her DH still does it. That shows a lack of respect. OP you have every right to be annoyed and if it were me, I'd keep bringing it up till he stopped.

I don't think its about whether it's reasonable to be bothered. It does bother you, and your spouse should have all the info he needs to make a marginal change for your happiness. And if he won't that's a bigger problem...

Clearly if you don’t want to be called by your name that is your choice and your husband should do as asked - but for context I would find it very odd if my husband asked our children to “ask Mum” when he meant me and likewise I would never call him Dad. It’s whatever works for you

I also think he's doing it on purpose.
I think calling him by his name instead of Dad to his kids is just sinking to his standard and escalating the argument.
I'd just keep repeating that you have asked him politely not to do that. It doesn't matter why. It only matters that you have asked him not to. And pull him up on it every single time. If it continues... ask him to explain WHY he does it and what does he hope to achieve.

So you'd rather your mum referred to him by his name when talking to you? I find that odd tbh. For instance I might say to my son 'have you spoken to your Dad lately?' Not 'have you spoken to TwattyMcTwatface lately?'

That’s terribly rude, and wonders what makes him do that??
I’d use the same treatment.

Even grandpa and grannie in their 80s referred to each other as a “mum and dad” when my mum had conversations with them.