Husband calling me by name in front of kids

[Minniemousse8]

My husband has gradually started calling me by my name when talking to our kids. For example, ‘Can you tell Helen that dinner is ready’ instead of ‘Can you tell mum’. Not all the time, but much more frequently.

I feel quite an emotional reaction to this. Like it’s somehow a demotion of parental status - as if I’m their step-mum (I am a step-mum also), or some lady down the road.

I’ve asked him to please not do it and explained why, but it’s obvious he feels I am overreacting and it frustrates him that I care.

AIBU to want him to cut this out? Or am I over sensitive?

That's not how it normally works and my kids are in their 40s

We'd never use our first names to them

This!

I thought you were going to say he addresses you in conversation as “Helen” instead of mum and was wondering what the issue is!

But no that’s really weird. You are mum to the kids. When addressing you to them he should use their word for you. “Mum” or of just step kids he can use “Helen”.

But I agree start doing the same - I can imagine at first he’d try and ignore it but it’ll get to him in the end!

Although “Tinkerbell” is my favourite response so far

For a laugh, we’d address our parents as “mr (surname)” or Mrs. It used to amuse us as children that characters such as Mr and Mrs Cratchit would address each other as such.

Rather than getting strangers on MN to speculate on his reasons for doing this, would it be worth asking him why he’s started doing this?

Dear OP, you have asked him to stop referring to you by your name and continue to call you mum when talking to your children about you. I would do exactly the same as you. He needs to listen to you and do as you ask. Best wishes to you from me.

This, what has he actually said OP?

Could be worse, MIL calls DH daddy and I die a little inside every time.

Even when the kids aren’t there.

I don’t think I asked people to speculate why.

I have asked him why. Response was something like ‘don’t really know’, ‘I don’t see it as a big deal’.

I was raised to call people by their names its normal to me.
We never used mum dad gran etc we only ever used nick names or their names they was given at birth.
Only used mum dad whatever when at school doctors or elsewhere important.

@Minniemousse8So you have a slightly different view on parenting. It doesn’t seem deliberately disrespectful. He’s treating you as an adult. See what any cards say on Mothers Day. To mum or to Helen. If to mum I’m not sure what the issue is. I often referred to my DH to the DC by a family nickname. Only us 4 know it. It made them laugh as young dc but it’s affectionate. We don’t have to stick to
mummy and daddy. Or Pa and Ma!

I tend to refer to DH by his name when chatting with DS about him.

I guess I find it weird calling my DH 'dad' when referring to him with our DS even though it's correct.

It's not said to undermine DH though but I'll ask him what he thinks as I'd not thought about that possibility before. 🤔

Hmmmmm I do see where you are coming from actually. I deliberately started calling my ex by his name to my kids as a way of mentally isolating myself from him and demonstrating my frustration about him. I wonder if this is at play.

My parents still use mum and dad so this is what was our family norm so not doing so was empowering for me.

Gosh, all these people coming on and saying what happens in their family - surely the issue here is that up until now in ops family it’s been mum and dad and dh appears to have changed this unilateraly without referring to Op on the issue. Not only that , he continues to do so knowing that it upsets her! I think you need to try and ascertain the reasons for this ( out the blue ?) change with him and take it from there -good luck

I thought it was only me. I really don't see the problem. If anything I'd prefer my actual name.

I wouldn't use his name OP, that's more tit for tat and doesn't really solve the issue. Especially if he's happy to go along with it.

Is he of the thinking he's raising men who must be tough and not need mum?

I think it's more trying to detach the boys from you in some aspect. Or himself.

Most men come second place to mum and he might rest that.

Call him up on it in front of the kids, as in I'd rather be called mum in this house please.

It's what it means to you that should make him want to do it.

in my case in that situation i just lengthen it to 'your dad' i've never called him by his name when talking to the kids about him,, and we're divorced.

Same as when talking about my Dad with the kids he's 'your grandad' or 'my dad'.

I think you should try to stop being judgemental about something that is none of your business.

One of my very first words as a baby was Pair... My mums name is Claire... 😂
Frankly, I'd just start doing it back.

On the whole though, my parents were calling each other mum and dad well into my adulthood. And will still refer to the other as mum or dad when talking about the other to me.
One time, I went to a retail park with both parents, I was in my mid 20s. Mum was driving, and dropped dad and I off outside a shop as it was pouring with rain, then went off to find a space - of the view that it might as well only be one person getting wet than 3.
Dad and I sheltered under a roof at the front of a shop and saw mum coming towards us, but looking in the wrong direction.
Dad proceeded to scream "MUMMY!!" at the top of his lungs, across the carpark, to get her attention. Remember, I was probably 25 at the time. It still makes me laugh.

The very obvious issue with what OP's DH is doing is that it creates a distance between her and her kids. It's sort of negating the parenting bond itself. The norm tends to be for parents to call each other by their names in conversation but if they tell their kids to go do something for the other parent, they would refer to that other parent as 'mum' or 'dad' or 'your mum' 'your dad'. It would never occur to me to tell my grown up eldest for example 'It's best you discuss xyz directly with [insert his dad's first name]'. Sounds very odd and distant. I'd say 'it's best you discuss xyz directly with your dad'.

Can you start correcting him? So everytime he does it you just politely ask him to call you mum when talking to your shared DC.

My MIL still refers to FIL as "daddy" when talking to her DC. The youngest is 38!! I think it's so sweet.

If he doesn't see it as a big deal, then why wouldn't he go back to what makes you happy? I hate it when people think that if something doesn't bother them, it shouldn't bother you! I would ask him why your feelings on this don't matter to him?

It’s not so much the weirdness of it, it’s more the fact that you’ve told him not to and he’s still doing it. It’s no difference to him surely what he calls you and it costs him nothing to say ‘mum’ and not ‘Helen’ so the fact he’s still doing it is disrespectful and a bit controlling. He won’t respect your perfectly reasonable wishes. Bit arsey.

My BIL always used my DSis’ first name when saying things to their children but DSis did the say to him and they did it from birth. They were weird, though.

I’m a mum. I’ve worked hard and earned the name. I would not be happy with my DH choosing not to use it.

I initially voted YABU as it’s normal to accidentally say your name.
I do it when speaking to my nieces and nephews I’ll say their parents names instead of mum and dad.

But I think he’s doing it intentionally which is really weird.

Having occasional slip ups is fine but this seems more than that.