Husband calling me by name in front of kids

[Minniemousse8]

My husband has gradually started calling me by my name when talking to our kids. For example, ‘Can you tell Helen that dinner is ready’ instead of ‘Can you tell mum’. Not all the time, but much more frequently.

I feel quite an emotional reaction to this. Like it’s somehow a demotion of parental status - as if I’m their step-mum (I am a step-mum also), or some lady down the road.

I’ve asked him to please not do it and explained why, but it’s obvious he feels I am overreacting and it frustrates him that I care.

AIBU to want him to cut this out? Or am I over sensitive?

Whenever he refers to his mum and dad thus ask if he means "First name" every time.

I get it. Different families, different norms. I’d just like to keep this norm.

Is he trying to be a cool dad?

I really don’t think so.

I think with an 11 & 14 year old it is a problem. They are very difficult ages where teens can really start to push their boundaries. Calling OP by her first name is taking some of her authority as “mum” away from her.
Also, this has come from no where. So it’s just weird.

I agree 100%. Surely children of this age know adults have actual names too.

It’s probably something he did with his older kids and it’s just habit. I understand it upsets you but it’s really not a hill I would choose to die on.

If you’re also a stepmum it seems like he’s trying to make your name the same for all DC involved?

Yep.

Why does “mum” have authority but “Susan” doesn’t?

I’m a step mum. I call DH ‘dad’ to his kids, and his name to my kids. Sometimes I get confused and call him by his ‘wrong’ name to the wrong kids. It’s easily done.

It seems very mean given you’ve asked him not to do it. Wonder what his rationale is?

I'm not a step mum, but I refer to my partner as his name to his children. I wonder if I should not do this? Would it be better to say Dad? I think I'd find that weird? Less weird to say 'your dad'. On the other hand, I understand that my (very annoying) ex refers to me as 'your mum' rather than 'mum' and it irks me!!

I disagree that calling your own parents Mum and Dad is infantilising

Yes, when speaking to my step kids I would say ‘your dad’.

Could you tell the kids it's irritating you and ask them to correct him every time he does it? In a lighthearted way I mean, not to involve them in a row or anything.

I'm Mummy and DH is Daddy when talking about them to our girls and they are 29 and 31 😊
Long may it continue.
Re your Dh , you need to tell him how much it's upset you . Show him this thread so he realises OP

It's really bizarre of him. Occasionally if my kids don't get a response from Mum because I've zoned out then they will try my full name which always makes me laugh. Dh refers to me as 'your Mum' when talking to the kids but uses my name when he talks directly to me. It always gives me the ick when partners talking directly to one another use 'Mummy' and 'Daddy' or 'Mum' and 'Dad' 🤮

When my brother and I were 11 and 14, we’d definitely have done it even more if we knew it annoyed our mum! (Sorry, Mum!)

I don't see the issue. To him you are "Helen" to them you are "mum" so he says: "tell Helen her tea is ready" and they say "mum! Tea!"

Anyone I know who still calls their parents mummy and daddy as adults are all pretty posh. If it’s not that cultural-type use, it feels weirdly infantilising to me?

My mum used to call herself and my father 'mater and pater' as in 'go and find out what your pater is up to, would you?' when my brother and I were adults. I have no idea why, she found it amusing to pretend to be really really posh I think. She used to sign cards to me 'from mater'. She didn't even study Latin at school, so the why of it was a mystery, I think it was her way of dealing with the move from 'mummy and daddy' to 'mum and dad'.

Because she isn’t their friend, she’s their mum and she’s been “mum” their whole lives and suddenly out of nowhere husband has decided she’s “Helen”. It’s weird.

I’ve given this much thought however don’t have much to add other than: My siblings called my late Mum and Dad by their Christian names sometimes which I thought odd and a bit disrespectful if I’m honest (although I’d never tell them that!), I am a parent, and my partner will sometimes say to my children (not biologically his) can you ask TylwythTeg blah blah please, but also, go and ask your mum if she can… When I lived with their Dad, I’d say go and ask your Dad or go and ask Daddy (when they were small). In my role as step-parent, I’ll use ‘your Dad’ and sometimes Step-Parent’s name to his child… I think as long as your DH is being polite, OP, it’s definitely not a hill to die on.

I think your own name has more authority. It’s specifically you, a real person. Not the generic mum or mummy. Mummy gets dropped by lots of older dc. I found mine lumped DH and me together and just called us “The Parents”. We certainly still had authority. I’ve certainly known a few dc refer to a parent by their name but in a hugely affectionate way. They very much admired their parents.

However if you want to maintain “mum” or “mummy” being used by DH, then keep on at DH to use it. The question “what’s in a name” does spring to mind. It’s who you are that matters and I don’t see any diminution of that. What do the dc call you? Has him using your name changed anything?

My DF never called my DM mummy. I remember there was a nickname given to a lady in our street because her DH never used her first name even when no DC were present. They had the corner shop. She wasZeer known as “Mummy Smith”. To this day I don’t know what her name actually was. She was defined solely as being a mother.