Husband calling me by name in front of kids

[Minniemousse8]

My husband has gradually started calling me by my name when talking to our kids. For example, ‘Can you tell Helen that dinner is ready’ instead of ‘Can you tell mum’. Not all the time, but much more frequently.

I feel quite an emotional reaction to this. Like it’s somehow a demotion of parental status - as if I’m their step-mum (I am a step-mum also), or some lady down the road.

I’ve asked him to please not do it and explained why, but it’s obvious he feels I am overreacting and it frustrates him that I care.

AIBU to want him to cut this out? Or am I over sensitive?

Should be as simple as you ask him to call you Mum to the kids and he does.
If he doesn't, he's a twat and you have deeper issues.

How odd! If dinner was ready and I wanted the kids to tell their Dad it was ready I would say ‘can you tell your Dad food is ready’ if he’s within calling distance I call him by his own name.
I wouldn’t say to the kids can you tell ‘Fred’ food is ready, it’s not something that would even enter my head because they all call him/refer to him as Dad.
I had a cousin who called his Mum by her first name from quite a young age, which seemed really odd to me…. However when his Dad was talking about her to him he still referred to her as Mum ie ‘can you pass this to your Mum’ and not the first name the child himself used, I assume because his Dad didn’t agree with him calling his mum by her actual name.
It sounds like he’s doing it on purpose rather than a slip of the tongue, and he must know really why he’s suddenly decided to do it.

You can be upset about whatever you like, and I guess if he's only started doing it recently maybe there's something to it, but seems irrational to me.
But then I've always called my parents by their names since I was small, so I don't have the (to me) weird reverence for the words mum and dad.

What does DH call his parents? Because if he calls them by name, given the age of the kids, it might just be a normal transition to him.

Yes, he should listen when you say you don't like it, but honestly it sounds like such a mountain out of molehill thing to me. It's your name. You are their mother. Whether that's explicitly acknowledged every time you're mentioned changes nothing, and it's not like the children are going to stop thinking of you as "mum" even if they do call you "Helen". My mum was my mum, even though I never called her that, it made zero difference to the underlying love.

Wow - I’m surprised how many people are saying they’d be upset by this! Isn’t it strange being called “Mum” by your husband?

I’m not sure I even want my child to call me Mum for very long though so I understand I’m an outlier.

If he doesn't stop as you have requested, I would just do the same thing with him, and say his name to the DC instead of Dad.

If he doesn't mind it, that'll be the new norm in your house (sorry).

If he does mind it, that'll be your catalyst for change, as he'll likely never do it again!

Thanks. Yes, this pretty much sums up why I dislike it so much.

I’ve never thought about it that much but it would be so deeply weird for my parents to call each other their first names to me, and I’m in my 30s and they’re acrimoniously divorcing. YANBU to put your foot down!

My husband did this once, said my "Sunday name" so I replied loudly "well tell the bald fella in there I'm still doing tea". He didn't like that 😆 he always says "your mum" now

How old is your DH? Could this be the start of cognitive decline, Alzheimer's etc?

If not, maybe suggest to him that he could visit the Dr. as he's showing early signs of dementia.

But it IS a change though to his usual behaviour. How is your relationship otherwise?

The point is that it doesn't matter whether he thinks it's a big deal or not. You've asked him nicely to stop doing it but he isn't. Maybe you'll have to be more forceful every time he does it to ram home that you want him to stop.

There’s 2 elements to this. First he started doing this, a change he hasn’t explained. Secondly he’s ignored your request to stop. It raises so many questions.
Who is he copying (ie who has he been talking to that calls you Minnie)?
Are the DC copying him or still calling you Mum?
Why is he showing so little respect for your feelings? What has changed?

He is being unreasonable not to agree to stop doing something relatively minor that makes you unhappy. It's a tiny and easy thing for him to do.

I'd just see it as a sign of them growing up and seeing you as a person in your own right. I think it's a compliment rather than an insult.

Does he call his mum by her name or by mum?

I hate this. This is minimising your feelings. This is telling you to shut up about it.

Time to start returning the favour and only using his name. See if it bothers him. When he brings it up tell him that you will follow his suit and if he refers to you by name to the kids you will do the same.

My 4 year old often calls me by my name and it doesn't bother me so it wouldn't worry me if DH used my name to the DC. But it bothers you and you have told him and so I think he should listen to that and respect it

When talking to our kids about the other parent it’s always your mom or your dad. I think I’ve accidentally used DH’s name once or twice and him vice versa. But I too would be pissed if my DH did this deliberately, I’m there mom not “Kelly” to them.

I mean sometimes I’m Mother, mama bear and even spawn point (Which is what DS has me saved as on his phone) all of which make me smile. But I wouldn’t like them to call me Kelly….id like to hope I’m something more than that to them.

How strange. That would really piss me off. What's his problem?

I much prefer it. I am me as an individual and as a mum. I don’t want to be solely identified as someone’s mum.

also as dc get older their friends call me by my name. Not XXX’s mum 🫤. If in a crowd, my dc (now adult but always have) call me by my name as ‘mum’ is too general and lots of women turn around.

I find it weird when people connect using one’s name with disrespect. It’s a non sequitur as far as I’m concerned

Exactly, it’s an easy thing to stop so stop doing it. It doesn’t matter if he can’t see the problem.

I think calling for your partner using their first name in front of your child is fine eg ‘Richard! Child A wants to show you something.’ But it’s odd to say ‘tell Helen’ instead of ‘tell your mum.’

I don't even know if I talk about my DH by his first name to my kids or whether he does with me tbh. As in, I wouldn't particularly notice it. But I can see it could be upsetting.

The only time I didn't like my first name being used was when one teen did it to aggravate me. She did similar to DH but he didn't mind and he was the favoured parent at the time, so it didn't feel anti him in any way. It felt like she thought it made him and her closer and I was the outsider, which was her intention.

So I suppose it depends on why he is doing it. At 11 and 14, I don't think it's problematic for the children though.

He should respect your feelings. He might not see an issue with it, but you clearly do and he should respect that.