Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

[ThatAzureShark]

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

Yes!!! 💪

You don’t have to put up with this. Life is too short. She is being and has been abusive. You don’t owe her your happiness.

You need to look after yourself so you can be a good mum. You need to look after yourself kids. You need to maintain financial security and housing for them. You need some leisure/fun/you time each week.

After all of that, if you have some energy help her out.

Good plan.

BIL really pressurised DH to move home and take care of MIL (how we would live without his wage wasn’t of interest to him).
He wanted DH to be her carer so she didn’t go into a home and it didn’t effect his inheritance.
Sounds like your siblings.

Hope the house purchase happens quickly. And don’t tell them until you’ve moved out, not just contracts. Move out and tell them! Can’t do anything then.

Very good idea about saying nothing until you have exchanged contracts. I hope everything works out for you and you are 100% making the right decision.

Great decision OP.

I am so glad you are moving out. I hope you are able to do so asap as things will only get worse due to your mother's diagnosis and you need to prioritise your DC.

Your siblings don't care about your interests - most likely they are using you so they can keep their inheritance. They evidently have never done any caring themselves, because if they did they would never advocate you doing it.

I have been a carer for my adult DC; suffice it to say I will never ever do it for anyone else. Not even my own parents. And I would never expect any of my siblings to do it either; it would be too big an ask.

Why do your siblings have authority over you, I don't understand?

Contact the council and social service to get your mum into a home - with you living in the property as your main residence they can't sell the home to pay for her care. It might take a while to get things moving

In the mean time make sure the council tax know so you get a 25% discount on the tax as your mum is classed as SMI and doesn't have to pay

Definitely this - you and your DC are your priority.
Your siblings will have pull their weight, not dump it all on you.

No. The disregard of the property is only in place when the person living in it is over 60.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/factsheets/fs38_property_and_paying_for_residential_care_fcs.pdf

I'm glad you've decided to get your own place again. A small home where you are the boss and where your children can be happy and safe is far preferable to your current situation. Your siblings are clearly not prioritising the best interests of you or your children and you don't owe them anything. If your siblings had any real sense of duty to your mum, or concern for you, they would step up and help, not pile all the guilt onto you and hope it works out with you taking on all the responsibility. Best of luck with finding your new home.

Well done OP. The only way out of this is for you to buy that house and move (no one else can do this for you). Your siblings will not change. They have set you up to be mums career so they don’t have to. Best of luck, and keep your own counsel until you are moved

Realistically, what was stopping one of them moving in as carer?

I'm glad you're going to move out Op.

Is it possible you got your mother to go to a day centre a couple of times a week? It would give you both some respite. You could ask her GP, if not social services. There are some lovely places to go, where your mother can interact with others, have lunch etc. Transport would be provided. The cost of this varies, but it would be helpful for both of you.

Whose decision is it where you live? Yours or your siblings'?

Unless it's your siblings' decision, for some obscure legal or financial reason I can't guess at off the top of my head, STOP letting them make it for you.

If you have concerns about your mother's ability to live alone, contact Adult Social Services. How long since you moved in with her, by the way?

This. Why are you letting your siblings bully you. You owe it to your children to move out.

Good luck Op! Stay strong & don't let your siblings bully you. Good idea to keep quiet until its a done deal. You beed to put your kids & you first.

I’m sorry OP but I’m afraid your sibling have been arseholes. Don’t tell anyone, go and buy another property, get it decorated/set up and then move out swiftly with zero notice. You need to put yourself and your kids first as it doesn’t sound like anyone else is doing that. Your mental health will deteriorate and your kids will have the most awful time. Your mum
isn’t your responsibility, caring for someone is a choice and it’s a bad one for you if she is so nasty and it will just get worse. I know you must feel guilty and will be made to feel this way, see a therapist if need be but leave now before it gets worse for all of you.

Your siblings know your vulnerable and have exploited this. Move and don't even engage. We all make mistakes in life, that's a given.

Please don't stay, you may be there for the next decade.

Leave.

@ThatAzureShark well done OP 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

How conniving & selfish your siblings are ..
Buy your own house ASAP …
Very bad for your children being around your mother ..
She needs to be in a care home with Alzheimer’s as you’ve mentioned she is getting worse by the day ..
Live your life with your children & given what your siblings just did to you , id have zero to do with them ever again , they’re not kind & didn’t care about you or your children, only coaxed you into selling your home to suit them so they wouldn’t have to look after their mother ..
Wait & see how fast they will appear though when your mom passes and her house is left ….
Best of luck x

As someone who's mother has Alzheimer's - MOVE!! Do it now and don't feel guilty, I adore my Mum and do lots to help but I could not live there. It's not fair on you or your kids. Bugger your siblings, they can whistle. You will be ble to support your Mum better if you don't break yourself.

Move out into your own home. Your siblings are thinking about what is best for them. If your mum is still able to live independently that is fine. If she needs care either the council will pay if she has no savings or if she has to go into residential care the house will need to be sold which is something you all need to take responsibility for. Sounds like they have fobbed off all the care to you so you need to take your life back.

Your Kids are not happy there that’s a deal breaker. Nothing on earth your own Mother included comes at the expense of their well-being and happiness. If you’ve got the means to buy somewhere else then do that. Regardless of how far away your Siblings live your Mother’s care shouldn’t rest all on your shoulders. To be honest they (your Siblings) sound like gang of “we’re alright Jacks”

Do not at any stage let your siblings talk you into changing your mind. Once they learn that their cushy, lucrative arrangement is ending they will pile the pressure and guilt onto you - be prepared for that.

If you end up remaining as your mother's carer, speaking as an ex-carer myself I can guarantee it would break you.

Stop listening to these idiots.

Your Mum will need care if she has AD so crack on with your own life. Arse to what they think, the scheming gits.