Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

[ThatAzureShark]

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

They may try to pressurise you into keeping the status quo OP. You may need to be ready to deal with some domineering & manipulative behaviour. They thought they had you trapped doing the work so that they could sit back, they wont like it when you stand up for yourself.
Sending you strength ➡ 💪🏻

They don’t get to tell you how to live. I’d have my mother see someone for medication bc it sounds like she getting nasty to you. She’s becoming that nasty dementia person and they now have medication to help their anger.

If you can, you need someone to help you from being abused by your mother.

My SIL tried this on. She wanted elderly, frail FIL who has serious health issues to move in with us. She's very manipulative but I wouldn't budge. So I can see how you were manipated by family, OP.

FIL remarried & I was gobsmacked at SIL's openly manipulative attempts to stop him changing his will to include DW or selling the house etc. It was all about holding onto her inheritance.

So glad you're moving out. Don't tell siblings as they will throw every obstacle they can at you. I'd also have a care plan in place to quash their objections.

Blimey your siblings saw you coming didn’t they. You do all the hard work so that she doesn’t have to sell their inheritance to go into a care home. Move out OP. Who has POA? Someone really should if she needs house repairs.

Leave. Your mh is too previous and you're exposing your children to your mum. Good luck 🤞

It's entirely up to you what you do - I can't understand why your siblings appear to have such a hold over you, you are a free individual and if you have the means to move out and live independently with your children It's such a no brainer I can't even understand why this post exists- go be free!

You just need to go do it and then tell them what you are doing. They can’t stop you

you were not persuaded. you are an adult who can make decisions alone. ignore the outside noise and do what’s right for your family. your siblings can get her a carer if they are too far. they can figure it out. your decisions are yours to make.

@ThatAzureShark Obviously you are a part of a toxic family system where you are made to seek approval from other family members for your life decisions, even though you are a grown up yourself.
Not healthy.
Move out. Go low contact. And build up your personal boundaries and self-esteem.

Yikes, your siblings did a number on you! So glad to read you've decided to leave/buy elsewhere and not fall them until it's settled. I can see why though you aren't obliged to take their orders anyway. It's none of their business if they think a two up two down will be too small for you and your kids. The bossy so and sos went be living there so it didn't concern them!

It's really obvious that you moving in with mum meant free care and no work for them. It was not lost on me that you have funds from selling your house and your mum's house needs work but she won't pay. So the expectation was probably that you would pay and boost the value of the house which, let me guess, they'll equally inherit?! And then you wouldn't have enough to buy your own house if you wanted to leave. Yes .... get out now before you get talked into that happening!

So get your house, and get in touch which social services and the ball rolling for carers etc.

If she and they don't like it too bad. You're not going to be there.

You're an adult you don't need your siblings permission. If you want to buy a house and move out then do it.

Well you need to ignore your siblings and buy yourself a house otherwise you'll end up with nothing in the future.

They can stay with your mum if they're so concerned.

Can we stop saying siblings as if we did not know what sex they are? Brothers, sisters, brother(s) and sister(s).
As to problem, move out, OP, you have been set up as carer for your mum. Move - it is nothing to do with your brothers, sisters etc.

Stop asking your siblings and just move, you need to look out for yourself because that is exactly what your siblings are doing, they don't want to do the caring, so they are manipulating you into doing it.

well obvs your siblings are going to say any alternatives to you living with your mother aren't suitable - they have a vested interest in you doing all the hard work while they don't lift a finger, keeping her out of a care home and protecting the value or their likely inheritance.

Your siblings don't get to call the shots on where you choose to live or if you buy a house. Put your own mental health first and start making plans to go. Your mum will only get more nasty possibly as the Alzheimers progresses. You and your kids come first.

I absolutely agree! Your siblings are like pigs in sh*t! They have no worries and you are lumbered! Life’s too short. You say how spiteful etc this woman is. Apart from how this affects you, your poor children shouldn’t have their lives ruined by this.
Please buy your house and move and take the children with you. You can then start to enjoy the life you deserve after putting up with all this.
Be brave! Go! And good luck

Good decision for you and your DC! You are an adult, what your siblings think doesn’t matter. They don’t have your best interests at heart.

Tell your siblings, your decision (which isn't up for discussion, your life your choice) has been made as they should be involved in the decision for whatever (paid for from your mums assets if they don't equally share the needed commitment) care package your mum needs when you leave.

Keep in your mind these will be the same siblings that will be after your mums house when she eventually passes and will probably happy make you homeless to get it. Start investing in your own house now.

You don't need your siblings permission to buy a house. Say nothing to them about your plans to buy, don't involve them in anything and do buy secretly.

Get on Carents Lounge on facebook - they were a great help to me.
It's not down to your siblings where you live, so sort out a place for you and your children. Oh, fantastic, I've just spotted that you've decided to do that. Well done.

Step one: stop discussing anything with your damn siblings. I mean, how has taking their advice worked out for you so far? Do what you're going to do first and tell them second.

Have you considered moving out of the area? Can you get a job in a cheaper part of the country, perhaps where you could afford a 3-bed? Leave the siblings living closer than you do - then DM is their problem.

You don't need anyone's permission to move out - get a house, take care of yourself and your kids. Your siblings can arrange care for your mum - sell her house and fund it that way. Don't stay and be an unpaid career, you'll burn out and your kids will be unhappy and resentful too.