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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

213 replies

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 16:04

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/03/2025 18:09

@ThatAzureShark no flies on your siblings then, are there??? they see you as their mothers carer. your life will be shit and what happens when mother dearest has to go into care full time and her house has to be sold to pay for it. you will be out on your earhole. your siblings know this. they want her at home till she dies then they can turf you out to sell the house and each get their share. if house has to be sold to pay for care they will hardly get anything in inheritance!! get out now while you can. not just for your own sanity but for the sake of your kids. xx

andthat · 15/03/2025 18:14

Sharptonguedwoman · 15/03/2025 16:06

It sounds as though your siblings want you there so they don't have to be. Go. Life is too short.

All of this.

Of course they don’t want you to move out… they’d have to step up! How inconvenient for them!

So… get the two up two down bought and move out.

Do it for your kids if you can’t do it for yourself.

You do not have to be stuck in this situation as you have the means to move…
so do it.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 15/03/2025 18:15

That was a really mean move by your siblings, they just want you there as carer while they carry on with their lives.
Contact her GP. Say more help is needed.
Contact adult SS and say an assessment is needed. You’ve come to help but cannot stay permanently.
Look for a house asap. You can make it cosy, comfortable and calm for your children. If you think it’s not the best area and you're worried about security contact your local police. They’ll advise on extra locks etc and some areas there’s a scheme to get them fitted cheaply or even free.

andthat · 15/03/2025 18:15

Whyherewego · 15/03/2025 17:32

Your kids are unhappy. That's all ypu need to know.

Hi Siblings, as you know I agreed to try moving in with Dmum but unfortunately it isn't working out for us as a family. Obviously my kids are my priority so I will be moving out in the next 6 months or so. Happy to discuss how we arrange carers for mum after this point.

perfect.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 18:20

keswickgirl · 15/03/2025 16:21

Do not listen to your siblings. Having you there as carer means:

  1. They don’t have to be, and
  2. Money (inheritance) is not being spent on care.

Well tough, this is your life and if you don’t want to live with your mother you don’t have to. If they care that much one of them can move home and live with her instead.

Yup.

I'm an only child, so I provided all the support for my parents and eventually moved Mum in with me. It's hard.

I also became my DH's carer. His children were conspicuous by their absence, though they purported to care. I recall my husband warning me that he didn't think that the kids would come to his funeral (They're an hour's flight away.)

I told him that of course they'd come. I didn't realise until too late that he meant that they wouldn't be there to support me.

Each time their mother acquired a new partner, they were supportive of that - presumably because it saved them from having to step up. (She currently lives with a chap who has two adult daughters who moved in with him.)

OP, that type of person is always very happy to keep their parents out of a care home, provided someone else is providing the care.

You have a couple of choices that I can see: buy the home that you're talking about and tell the siblings to step up; stay with your mum and warn the siblings that they need to step up, including providing respite for you. (Spoiler: they won't.)

When my husband's ex lost her Affair Partner, DH's SIL actually complained to us because the AP left his entire estate to the ex and nothing to the grandchild. That confirmed my suspicion that the main concern was money.

After DH died, he was proved right. The kids didn't attend the funeral, but watched online. (To be fair, it was during one of the lockdowns, but the by then adult grandchild and her mother could definitely have attended.)

After years of biting my tongue, I lost it a month or so after the funeral. The last communication that I had was indirect. The daughter and grandchild phoned the solicitor to say that their cheques had been refused by the bank. (I got it sorted out - the bank thought that I was being scammed.)

I'm merailing here, aren't I? The point I'm trying to make, OP is that your experience has shown you that your siblings are only interested in themselves and in pretending to be supportive of your mother. They won't change.

What happens if you become unwell? What do your siblings intend to have as back-up? Do they expect your children to be carers?

When I fell ill, I phoned DH's daughter to explain that her dad would need care if anything happened to him. The response was "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

When I got the all clear I phoned and reiterated that if anything happened, her father would need care. The response: "But you're all right, aren't you?"

Either go ahead and buy that house, OP or give your siblings warning that they need to step up...but I'm betting that they won't.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 18:21

HenDoNot · 15/03/2025 16:18

I can guarantee when your mum is no longer around, your siblings want you out of that house within weeks if not sooner.

Buy your own place and move out now!

Edited

This. They'll not offer you any compensation for being your mother's carer, OP.

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/03/2025 18:22

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 16:04

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

You’ve been abandoned and tricked into being solo carer by mum & sibling’s
Move out. Prioritise your mental Health. Buy the house make it a home
Don’t ask mum for money.She’ll manipulate you. Dangle promise of it and then withhold

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 15/03/2025 18:23

Don't ask siblings, just let them know your new address when moving.

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 15/03/2025 18:24

Two words. Leave. Now.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/03/2025 18:24

I think everyone is correct OP - bugger your siblings, it suits them having you there so they don’t have to be on hand!! It’s very much all in their interests, but no one wants to sound heartless in being honest and saying it as it is

aylis · 15/03/2025 18:25

Wow, your siblings are taking the piss.

Move out, do what is best for you and your children.

diddl · 15/03/2025 18:26

How on earth did they manage to persuade you to do that?

Even if you mum was lovely & easy to live with, if you couldn't offer the care she needed it wouldn't be fair to try.

Alzheimer's is a bastard.

Zita60 · 15/03/2025 18:31

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

That's good to hear. 🙂

Even if you stayed, it sounds as if your mental health would eventually collapse under the strain and then you wouldn't be able to take care of your mother anyway,

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/03/2025 18:33

Motorolarazr · 15/03/2025 16:10

Move.

Your siblings want you to be the nurse so they don't need to shell out for a carer or lose their inheritance if she needs to sell the house.

ITA!
And then, when Mom dies, the siblings who basically dumped the Mom onto the OP, will have their hands out wanting an equal share or more since OP got to live in the house "rent-free".

@ThatAzureShark Edited because I missed where you said you were moving out. I read that you were the youngest? So, the old sibs are used to you bending to their will. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your children!

Enjoy your house and enjoy less stress, more peace and much more happiness!

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/03/2025 18:43

WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 18:20

Yup.

I'm an only child, so I provided all the support for my parents and eventually moved Mum in with me. It's hard.

I also became my DH's carer. His children were conspicuous by their absence, though they purported to care. I recall my husband warning me that he didn't think that the kids would come to his funeral (They're an hour's flight away.)

I told him that of course they'd come. I didn't realise until too late that he meant that they wouldn't be there to support me.

Each time their mother acquired a new partner, they were supportive of that - presumably because it saved them from having to step up. (She currently lives with a chap who has two adult daughters who moved in with him.)

OP, that type of person is always very happy to keep their parents out of a care home, provided someone else is providing the care.

You have a couple of choices that I can see: buy the home that you're talking about and tell the siblings to step up; stay with your mum and warn the siblings that they need to step up, including providing respite for you. (Spoiler: they won't.)

When my husband's ex lost her Affair Partner, DH's SIL actually complained to us because the AP left his entire estate to the ex and nothing to the grandchild. That confirmed my suspicion that the main concern was money.

After DH died, he was proved right. The kids didn't attend the funeral, but watched online. (To be fair, it was during one of the lockdowns, but the by then adult grandchild and her mother could definitely have attended.)

After years of biting my tongue, I lost it a month or so after the funeral. The last communication that I had was indirect. The daughter and grandchild phoned the solicitor to say that their cheques had been refused by the bank. (I got it sorted out - the bank thought that I was being scammed.)

I'm merailing here, aren't I? The point I'm trying to make, OP is that your experience has shown you that your siblings are only interested in themselves and in pretending to be supportive of your mother. They won't change.

What happens if you become unwell? What do your siblings intend to have as back-up? Do they expect your children to be carers?

When I fell ill, I phoned DH's daughter to explain that her dad would need care if anything happened to him. The response was "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

When I got the all clear I phoned and reiterated that if anything happened, her father would need care. The response: "But you're all right, aren't you?"

Either go ahead and buy that house, OP or give your siblings warning that they need to step up...but I'm betting that they won't.

I know this is off-topic but @WearyAuldWumman I am sorry that your DH's family acted the way they did. They sound quite miserable and self-centered. I hope you are as happy as you can be (losing a DH is hard) and living the best life possible.

Biglifedecisions · 15/03/2025 18:43

Things are going to go from bad to terrible with Alzheimers. It really does get very hard sadly. Put your dc first and leave now.
You can tell your siblings it’s their turn to move in now, you have done your bit, and leave them to it.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/03/2025 18:55

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/03/2025 18:43

I know this is off-topic but @WearyAuldWumman I am sorry that your DH's family acted the way they did. They sound quite miserable and self-centered. I hope you are as happy as you can be (losing a DH is hard) and living the best life possible.

Thank you, that's appreciated.

Normallynumb · 15/03/2025 19:17

I’m pleased to read your Update! It’s the right thing to do, and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty.

Hdjdb42 · 15/03/2025 19:19

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

Good for you 👏 👏 👏 I wish you and your children all the very best ❤️

Loopytiles · 15/03/2025 19:20

Correct your recent bad decisions and move out asap. Prioritise your DC.

prelovedusername · 15/03/2025 19:36

SmudgeButt · 15/03/2025 17:09

Bollocks. If the adult (OP) is under 60 there is no right for her or her children to remain in the house if mom would otherwise be dependent on the local authority to fund her care. The only time it doesn't happen is when the other occupants are vulnerable/disabled.

And for the OP - it sounds like your siblings got their attitude and manners directly from mom. Tell them you are moving out, then move out, and personally I'd be cutting contact with them all.

fyi - My MiL was one of the sweetest people in the world and I came to hate the fact we were living with her. Can't imagine starting the same thing with someone who is right down vile and nasty.

This poster is right. They would need to vacate to enable the house to be sold. There are exceptions but it doesn’t sound like any of those are met.

OP you need to explain to your siblings that your mother’s diagnosis puts you in a very vulnerable position in terms of losing your home and therefore your circumstances have to change.

Everleybear · 15/03/2025 19:55

I work in elderly social care and it rarely if ever ends up well when children move in to provide care to a parent with alzheimers/dementia. With your own children as well, it's even more of a shit show. Your children are your absolute priority, move out for their sake and yours and get the 2 up 2 down house.

Is there some back story with your siblings? Why do they get to make decisions about your life and more to the point why are you allowing them to?

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/03/2025 23:16

Well done OP, good luck with house hunting. In the meantime stay strong.

Gymnopedie · 16/03/2025 00:05

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

Good to hear.

Just because they're older it doesn't mean they're your boss, however much they might like to think they are. You have every right to live the right life for you and your DCs.

Be happy in your new house and don't ever let your siblings make you take the shit so that they don't have to.