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Original poster

Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

213 replies

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 16:04

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

OP posts:
MrsRaspberry · 16/03/2025 15:03

Your siblings want you there so they don't have to bother nor will they have the need to have your mum's house sold to fund her a care home. You have your own kids to think of. If your siblings don't want paid care for your mum they can get off their arses and help to care for her rather than leaving it all to you. Move out and make a happy home for you and your kids. It's not up to you to care for your mum 100% of the time while they sit back and watch you struggle to do so.

Lastgig · 16/03/2025 15:09

I looked after my parents for 18 years. My siblings lived within thirty minutes. They visited once a fortnight.
My mother died within five years my father's health ment I had to give up my big job in London and after two years our savings had gone. It effected my children quite badly. He refused a home and we suffered. We had sold our much loved house but we had to rent adapted property which is double a normal rental. Financial support is tiny and I had to pay for everything.
When he died I was accused of financial abuse by my sister. She paid nothing towards his care. I wfh in those days so I was a sitting duck for others to take advantage.
A small but happy house will be much better for your children. My DD actually said this the other day. She remembers all the tears and my dad was lovely, it was just too much for me. I developed an alcohol dependancy and it took years to get my career back. Your mum has money, she can spend it on care. Your siblings can step up or pay.

WearyAuldWumman · 16/03/2025 15:25

Elsvieta · 16/03/2025 14:49

Step one: stop discussing anything with your damn siblings. I mean, how has taking their advice worked out for you so far? Do what you're going to do first and tell them second.

Have you considered moving out of the area? Can you get a job in a cheaper part of the country, perhaps where you could afford a 3-bed? Leave the siblings living closer than you do - then DM is their problem.

Agreed. No point in discussing it with the siblings - they're just ignoring OP.

Same happened to me with my husband's kids. I wasn't looking for them to step up - just wanted to put an emergency protocol in place in case anything happened to me, but they seemed to have the notion that I was trying to 'escape'!

In OP's case, all the siblings should have equal responsibilities or none at all. Worst case scenario, OP can look up the emergency number for social services and give them a call when she moves out. It's not brutal when you realise that her siblings are grey rocking her. (Been there...got the t-shirt.)

I8toys · 16/03/2025 15:26

Your children come first and will suffer in this situation. You need to move. It has nothing to do with your siblings.

WearyAuldWumman · 16/03/2025 15:26

Lastgig · 16/03/2025 15:09

I looked after my parents for 18 years. My siblings lived within thirty minutes. They visited once a fortnight.
My mother died within five years my father's health ment I had to give up my big job in London and after two years our savings had gone. It effected my children quite badly. He refused a home and we suffered. We had sold our much loved house but we had to rent adapted property which is double a normal rental. Financial support is tiny and I had to pay for everything.
When he died I was accused of financial abuse by my sister. She paid nothing towards his care. I wfh in those days so I was a sitting duck for others to take advantage.
A small but happy house will be much better for your children. My DD actually said this the other day. She remembers all the tears and my dad was lovely, it was just too much for me. I developed an alcohol dependancy and it took years to get my career back. Your mum has money, she can spend it on care. Your siblings can step up or pay.

Thank you for sharing this. I hope that you're in a much better situation now.

AInightingale · 16/03/2025 15:26

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 15/03/2025 16:52

You can’t be required to sell a house to pay care home fees if an adult who sold their own home to move in with the cared for person still lives in the house.

Show quote history

Surely this isn't true if the carer is under 60? There might be leeway if one of OPs children is registered disabled or she herself is, but otherwise it's not the case afaik, or more families would surely go down this road to dodge fees.

WearyAuldWumman · 16/03/2025 15:29

AInightingale · 16/03/2025 15:26

Surely this isn't true if the carer is under 60? There might be leeway if one of OPs children is registered disabled or she herself is, but otherwise it's not the case afaik, or more families would surely go down this road to dodge fees.

Show quote history

When you're under 60, you have no protection so far as I'm aware.

I recall that when my husband had his stroke, the local home care bods seemed quite taken aback when I pointed out that the house was in my name. (DH was older than me; I was under 60.)

The fact that they couldn't take the house to pay for care fees meant that they didn't push a care home option.

doodleZ1 · 16/03/2025 15:39

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

You will also be in a better position as you won’t be in any chain when you buy as you’ve already sold your house. So you may be a better prospect for any seller and possibly move in quicker. You are Def right to not tell your siblings what you are doing until it’s all done, that includes obviously your mother. You are doing the right thing you don’t want your kids telling you in years to come how it affected their childhood. Once you’ve moved out text your siblings to tell them that as discussed it’s not working for you or your children and you’ve bought a new house and moved out.

I can’t believe they’ve put all this on you. Decent people don’t behave like that, selfish people do and I agree with others if you had stayed for many years and mum died they would want you out of that house asap. Also don’t get sucked into any new agreement re mum, stone wall all that and leave it up to them, you are too busy with your new house, you are sure they understand! Then phone down as they did with you. That will be their next tactic. They can arrange it all remotely you are too busy with your new house and getting it sorted to help.

ednclouda · 16/03/2025 15:40

Get them to sign a document whatever the house is worth when its sold i get 70% sod you lot
(dreamland) I know

Lastgig · 16/03/2025 15:46

@WearyAuldWumman thank you for your kind post.
I get very triggered by the stories of others being abused by family. None of my siblings had school age children or mortgages! I would hate to think my children's childhood was ruined but it was difficult and certainly not without constant worry. We would get notice to leave our rental every year when Easter house marketing came round. Two months notice so the landlord could sell. The reason behind it was always the same. Disabled equipment 'damaging' their investment. It might have been a scratch on a wall or a pile of clean toileting aids. They never cared but of course the Estate Agent didn't tell them they had a disabled tenant so they didn't get accused of discrimination and then it was always war to get us out. The social services didn't help because again I worked from home, plenty of others with no one.
Luckily I am part of a company being sold and I will be very secure at the end of the year. Those who didn't help at the time will get nowt. Your DC come first OP.

SatsumaDog · 16/03/2025 15:46

Absolutely move and do it soon. Your siblings want you to be trapped into being your mum’s carer and likely won’t show their faces again until she dies and the will is being read. Then they’ll be there in a heartbeat. Believe me, I know the pressure of being the child living closest to elderly parents. They don’t get to push everything on you just because they chose to move further away. You have right to live your life happily just like they do.

Topseyt123 · 16/03/2025 15:56

Glad to hear you are now actively planning to move back out again. It is the absolute right decision and I hope the purchase of your new place goes through smoothly (and quickly) for you.

Your siblings have some brass neck, I have to say. Clearly they just thought about themselves and never had any intention of supporting you in any way whatsoever.

Move out and don't let anyone guilt trip you. Get adult social services involved here. You soon won't be living there any longer. Tell them that. You have children to prioritise so can't care for your mother. Tell them that too. Your siblings won't care for her (and probably couldn't either) and she can no longer care for herself. Tell them that too. Definitely a case for adult social services IMHO.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 16/03/2025 16:14

That's a good decision, OP. Have fun telling the siblings on moving day! 😉

gamerchick · 16/03/2025 16:15

ThatAzureShark · 15/03/2025 18:24

Thanks so much for all the help and advice. I am very much younger than siblings and have always looked up to them.
Anyway,I've decided that the kids and I will move out.
I won't mention anything until I've exchanged contacts.

Tell them nothing until the house is ready to move into and actually on the day. They've conned you. Tell them to all get fucked and to step up.

sesquipedalian · 16/03/2025 16:28

Of course your older siblings want you to stay - it gets them right off the hook. But you say, “my kids hate it here.” - so enough said. I’m glad you’re going to do what’s right for YOUR family - time for your siblings to take a turn with your DM.

gamerchick · 16/03/2025 16:29

And don't tell your siblings where you're moving to.

pestowithwalnuts · 16/03/2025 16:33

Obviously your siblings have persuaded you because it suits them. And I'm amazed that you couldn't see what they were after. Move out quickly and let your siblings sort it out between them

MaryGreenhill · 16/03/2025 16:36

Move out OP. Put your Mum in a home and let her house and pensions/savings pay for her to be in the home.
Your siblings want you there to do all the work and look after her , so they can live a carefree life and still inherit their share .
You could be stuck there for years . Don't waste your life away .

GG1986 · 16/03/2025 16:45

Save your children from this situation, it's really unfair on them and also unfair on you. Buy the smaller house.

LailaDelaila · 16/03/2025 16:47

If she has Alzheimers can you get power of attorney and sell the house from under her, then put her in a old people's home paid for with the proceeds?

WearyAuldWumman · 16/03/2025 16:47

MaryGreenhill · 16/03/2025 16:36

Move out OP. Put your Mum in a home and let her house and pensions/savings pay for her to be in the home.
Your siblings want you there to do all the work and look after her , so they can live a carefree life and still inherit their share .
You could be stuck there for years . Don't waste your life away .

Unless I'm mistaken, the OP's mother is not yet deemed to have lost capacity and the OP does not have POA for her.

OP will have to do what is right for her, but leave care arrangements up to her mother and siblings. She's done her bit. It's no longer her problem.

LBFseBrom · 16/03/2025 16:48

If you can afford a house, go for it. Being with your mother is not doing your mental health any good. It's all very well for your siblings to say you should stay with mum but would they? It's not your mother's fault she has Alzheimer's but she will need care, 24/7 at some point.

Decisions must be made but not just by you. You must put your children first and you say they hate it at the house so - no choice really, move out.

Words · 16/03/2025 16:50

Havé a look at thé elderly parents board , especially the cockroach cafe thread. A wealth of experience, advice and support there.

Find a nice little house for your family and move out. Easier said than done but the current situation will only deteriorate. You absolutely must prioritise your own wellbeing and that of your children.

Your siblings have treated you appallingly, with an eye to the inheritance. I feel very angry on your behalf.

Get advice on what needs to be put in place for your mother's care. Services are so stretched they will manipulate any willing family member . That does not mean you should step in.

Useful phrases for thèse agencés: no, that does not work for me. When you havé moved away. No I can't do that. I don't live locally. If in hospital and want to discharge to your care: no. I cannot care for my mother. This would be an unsafe discharge.

Make sure there is a will in place and power of attorney over finances and health.

In thé longer term the house will need to be sold to pay for care in a home, so prépare for that. There is no reason you should shoulder all thé burden however.

I feel for you so much FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

MyDeftDuck · 16/03/2025 16:50

For your own sanity and the safety of your children you should leave. You're siblings are clearly relying on you to care for your mother and eventually she may need to go into residential care - this could result in the sale of her house which would leave you in the position of having to find alternative accommodation anyway.
I had a parent with dementia and the workload can be positively exhausting although I did have the support and help of my siblings - I wasn't facing it alone like you are.

olympicsrock · 16/03/2025 16:53

Good decision op. This is nothing to do with your siblings or your mum.
Do the right thing for yourself and your children.