Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

[ThatAzureShark]

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

If you can afford it, as you say, I think the best way forward is to buy your own place for you and your children. You can still dip in and help your DM when you feel you have the strength but it sounds like she will need more than you can realistically offer on your own. At least have somewhere you can retreat to to recharge your batteries. You and your children need some space.

Your siblings are bullying you into staying so that they don't have to support you or your mum or offer care

Your mum won't get better in her behaviour

Please don't put her before your kids, they'll end up resenting you and the situation

Ignore your siblings. Save yourself.

Why did you quote the whole OP?
Yours was literally the first response.

OP just buy yourself somewhere and move out with your children.

This is not your siblings' decision to make. Ignore them.

Bollocks. If the adult (OP) is under 60 there is no right for her or her children to remain in the house if mom would otherwise be dependent on the local authority to fund her care. The only time it doesn't happen is when the other occupants are vulnerable/disabled.

And for the OP - it sounds like your siblings got their attitude and manners directly from mom. Tell them you are moving out, then move out, and personally I'd be cutting contact with them all.

fyi - My MiL was one of the sweetest people in the world and I came to hate the fact we were living with her. Can't imagine starting the same thing with someone who is right down vile and nasty.

Your DCs are your priority. I feel sorry for them. Get out of there.

Tell your siblings your decision when your offer on a house has been accepted and solicitors have been instructed. Tell them that it’s happening and you won’t be persuaded otherwise. Don’t be apologetic. If their inheritance is eroded by carer costs, so be it.

Don’t put your DC through more of this. It’s not appropriate.

You need to have the best environment to balance / restore your MH.
Your DM needs will progress and deteriorate to a level you cannot imagine.

Your DCs have only one childhood to generate emotional stability which will help them avoid chronic MH issues in their teens/adult lives.

You need to provide them with a calm, gentle consistent home where you are stable.

We all only have finite headspace, time, energy and emotional capacity - prioritise investing this in your DCs now to yield life long benefits. They are most vulnerble and need you to make the best choice.

Move out and rent asap. Your DCs are the priority. Get yourself better and turn this around.

Your children are your priority.
You shouldn't have done this.
Completely ignore your siblings whom are suiting themselves.
Get moving on this asap.

Here are your steps to get out of this:

1. search Rightmove and find a house yiu like
2. buy it
3. move out of your mother’s and in to your new house
4. ignore your siblings because you are a grown up and you don’t have to do what they tell you do

Old people with Alzheimer’s are not always going to be lovely! Goes with the territory. Social services won’t care about anything with the op in the house. In our case, no assessment with me being 45 mins drive away. So if OP stays local she’s in for caring anyway. Her DC might have a better life though. So I would prioritise them.

RUN!

I'd strongly advise you to move. You're unhappy, your kids are unhappy and frankly it's not going to get any easier - your cannot make your mum change her personality and in my experience she may become nastier as people with dementia often lose their filters. Plus caring for someone with alzeihmers is so difficult and exhausting. You owe it to your kids (and yourself but I think you might not be able to see that) to live somewhere you're not shouted at and made to feel rubbish. Your MH is not going to improve by staying there and I think your kids will suffer too - from being exposed to the shouting and unhappiness, and by having a mum who's MH will (understandably) decline.

I think I'd move out as soon as I could, either by renting or buying or moving back to your old area (if you moved areas to move in with your mum). Your siblings opinions do not matter, only yours and your kids. They could move in with your mum if they want! But they have no say on where you live and how much you chose or not to interact with your mum.

Good luck.

Yes, and that's probably why the siblings are so keen for OP to go on living there

Fortunately what they're keen on doesn't matter - or at least it shouldn't when this affects not only OP but her DC too

Wig the house can’t be divided for privacy then I would move out. But be aware, you will still be at her beck and call.

Get your own home and get out now. When your Mum dies your siblings will evict you soon enough to get their share so don't feel a moments guilt or allow yourself to be pressured.

My Dad who I love, has advanced Alzheimer's and it's so bastard hard and just gets worse, if he had been a less than stellar father it would be impossible to care for him now, fortunately he was wonderful. I would resent it bitterly if he was a poor parent and my siblings had forced me into the carer role.

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it.

Sorry op, it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, and it’s not good that your that your dc are unhappy, or that your mum has Alzheimer’s, all of that is a lot to cope with.

However, some things in your post seem at odds with one another and I suspect there may be more to this scenario than you are saying. Forgive me if I am wrong but moving house with dc takes far longer than “a moment”, you would have had reasonable time to contemplate this move and assess the pros and cons for you and your dc.

And presumably you wouldn’t have left a situation where you were very happy?

And who forgets how spiteful and nasty their own mother is? Surely you would remember something like that?

And who gives their siblings that much power over their lives and that of their dc?

I suspect that you moved in because you thought the arrangement would be beneficial to you and your dc in some way, and you are now finding it too hard or unpleasant.

And that’s fine to change your mind, but at least be honest about it, as you will find life easier if you take responsibility for your own mistakes.

I can well believe that your siblings are not helping as this is a common scenario.

The obvious question that springs to mind is why are you posting for permission to move out? Why do you need permission from strangers on the internet or from your siblings? Why are your siblings dictating what you do in your own life?

Unless there is some cultural issue at play here and you are the only female in a family of males or there is some other factor you haven’t mentioned, such as they help you financially, or your siblings thought that you and your dc needed secure accommodation for some reason, then you are in control of your life and no one else. And you are the responsible parent making key decisions for your dc.

So why are you stuck? Is it guilt? Fear? Obligation?

If you can afford a small house and you think you and the dc can manage there, go and buy it, and inform social services of your parent’s care needs and ask for an assessment, and inform your siblings that that is what you are doing and say you want to talk to them about forming a rota of when each of you will be visiting your mum. Don’t ask, just do it. Good luck,

Why will she? Because her brothers don’t want to pull their weight?

Start saying no OP. Just no. And say it a lot. You’ll get flak because it means other people feel uncomfortable that they’re doing nothing. Not your problem.

Start looking for a new house. If you have the money, then it makes sense to buy it, even if you tell your siblings you don't plan to live in it/plan to rent it out. You can then see how things go with your mum and move into your house at your leisure/when things get too bad with her.

Honestly, but something. Give yourself a safety net. Your siblings only want you there to do the nursing so that they don't have to, and they save their inheritance going on nursing home fees. But you need to save your own sanity and that of your children.

Buy your own place. What will happen to your mother’s house when she passes or needs care?

Stop doing what your siblings want, you need to be an adult now.

Why do you care? It was just a mistake on my part.

Get out now!!! Get looking at houses and arrange that as soon as you can.
Then inform your siblings.
Then start enquiring with council and health services to get carers sorted for your mother or enquire about social housing for her. Get power of attorney etc. sorted.
Good luck!

Go. And don’t regret. Your kids have to come first in this scenario (and your MH).

Arrange carers, or get POA for your mum and find her a care home.

buy the two up two down in the less desirable area. It will be yours and your kids' home, your own front door and your rules. As for your siblings, they and you will have to work out a fair way of seeing to your mum's needs, they have tried to play you and think that with you living with your mum they can do eff all.

I second this OP!