Moved in with elderly mum, hate it but stuck

[ThatAzureShark]

I was persuaded by my siblings to sell my house and move into mum's large house with my kids as she's getting elderly.
I forgot how spiteful and nasty she always was, I got caught up in the moment. Now I bitterly regret it. Last month she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and getting worse.my kids hate it here.
My siblings live miles away but promised to help me but don't.
She's always moaning, shouting and insulting us- she was always like that. I'm fed up.
I have enough to buy a two up two down house in a less pleasant area but siblings are against it as say it will be too small. I've suffered badly with my mh since a teenager and really need a clear path out of this nightmare.
House is badly in need of work,mum won't pay even though can easily afford it.
Mum upset me again today and I spoke with one sibling on phone but they shut me down and hung up. Please I need steps out of this

@Beyondthewindowsill555When people start getting ill they are not necessarily who they were. Their worst personality traits get worse. You visit occasionally and it doesn’t surface. Living with someone it’s very different. I think the op was trying to be kind. She’s now realised she cannot cope and neither can DC. She might have thought that in a larger house, they could separate out, but it’s not her house. She’s beholden to DM. She’s been persuaded to help but it’s probably been “sold” as more space and being dutiful. So she’s been pressurised. However dc come first so moving out should be a priority.

Tutorpuzzle · Today 17:05

Your mother needs professional social and medical care. And you’re all too busy squabbling like toddlers. Your poor mum.

Did you miss the bit where the mum is spiteful and nasty, and the siblings are CFers??

Buy the two up two down now while you can. my sister and I share care of our mother with mixed dementia. She's still a happy and nice person, she's continent and she's living independently with carers three times a day plus us within ten minutes. And you know what? It's hard. I couldn't live with her. We need our space to get away. You have children too. You must put yourself and your children first. It sounds as though your siblings have shafted you. Get out now while you still have the financial capital and the mental resilience to do it

This

Clearly you need to get out, to save yourself and your children. You've tried living with her and it's too hard - none of your siblings even bothered trying to care for her but you did.

Start looking for another house now. Don't tell your siblings or your mother - no need to do that until the house purchase is going through.

Is your mother capable of living on her own at the moment, without being in actual danger? If so, you could leave it until shortly before you move to ask social services for her to be assessed. If you think she will need care once you've moved, SS should be contacted earlier than that - would your siblings need to be informed about that?

Do social services need to be involved at all in the short term? Could you not simply arrange for private carers for her, until her condition deteriorates, paid for by her? Do you have Power of Attorney for her? If not, you might still have time to set it up if she still has some capacity.

(The Martin Lewis Money Show covered Power of Attorney this week, and the episode is on ITVx: https://www.itv.com/watch/the-martin-lewis-money-show-live/2a1827/2a1827a0169 )

I would suggest getting advice from Citizen's Advice or Age UK, as soon as possible, to clarify what you need to do to get appropriate care for her, at what point social services need to be involved, etc.

(There's lots of information and advice on the Age UK website about getting care: https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/ )

If necessary, could your doctor provide evidence of your mental health struggles with this situation, to provide justification for you moving out to save your health?

But please, please get out. You can't sacrifice yourself and your children when there are other options. You're lucky that you have the means to buy another home, so please do it.

It's not an easy situation but you do have a route out, so please take it. I wish you luck.

Your kids are unhappy. That's all ypu need to know.

Hi Siblings, as you know I agreed to try moving in with Dmum but unfortunately it isn't working out for us as a family. Obviously my kids are my priority so I will be moving out in the next 6 months or so. Happy to discuss how we arrange carers for mum after this point.

Tell them all to fuck themselves.

Seriously, you’re all sacrificing you’re children’s mental healths for the sake of your bitter old mum.

Time to step up and prioritise them and yourself, I’d do whatever it takes to leave.

Get out of there asap. If you don't care about being abused by your mum atleast protect your dc. Ofcourse your CF siblings wanted you as a free live in carer, easy for them. Just leave and tell siblings that you need to either put mum in a care home or getting her a carer.

This is perfect 👏 Do this Op. You have to put yourself and children first.

You may find when you have your own home and space that you have more energy and grit to help your mother too. Hopefully you and siblings can arrange carers etc. and now you aren't in your mother's house it could perhaps be sold to pay for care etc.

I did the same op and I admit that it was partly because I benefitted financially (I'm autistic and have chronic health problems). My DM wasn't even diagnosed with dementia and no-one would believe she had it so I had to suffer all her nastiness and paranoia on my own. Towards the end she was even trying to turn my DS against me. I was a prisoner for eighteen months, not allowed to do anything - even buying a desk for my son's room was a huge week-long ordeal. Not allowed out of the house without her and if I did, she'd give me the silent treatment for a week. If I asked my sibling for help he'd more or less ignore me.

I imagine you haven't mentioned any financial benefits because you'd be slaughtered on here. I read too much Jane Austen to be concerned about that...practicality comes first. You need to balance the financial benefits with the damage done to your mental health and the potential damage to your relationship with your children.

Go ahead and buy your own place. Don't bother discussing it with anyone. Just do it.

Get carers in for your mother asap and stop doing anything for her. It's not your responsibility.

Remember the principle of not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Fair enough TizerorFizz.

Perhaps I was a little harsh on the op, especially when she has been struggling with her mh.

If I am honest, I was a little thrown by her first sentence, which seemed to cast blame on others. I wasn’t asking difficult questions for the sake of it, but rather to encourage the op to confront why she is giving up so much personal autonomy to her siblings? There must be a reason behind it?

I apologise if I came on too strong.

Your siblings can fuck all the way off. They are just thinking about their inheritance here and fully plan to use you as a live in carer. I’m sorry they convinced you to do this in the first place.

Oh my, yes, I didn't think of that!

Your siblings want you to be your mother's unpaid carer and want to protect their inheritance. They want to get on with their lives and not disrupt them by helping out.

Your siblings are arseholes. They can't tell you what to do. Go buy a house and move back out, don't tell them anything until you have the keys. Tell them they have to sort out care for their mother for the next few months as you will be unavailable to help out. Once you've had a break you can all sit down together and work out a rota for who will do what and when. If they don't agree to this, you won't be doing anything to help. If they agree and then don't do as agreed, you go back to doing nothing and let them sort out care.

Your children have to come first, get the ball rolling and start looking for a house.

@Whyherewego I'm not sure that it would be a good idea to give OP's siblings so much notice that she is intending to move out.

She has already struggled to stand up to her siblings, so I think it might be best not to tell them anything at all until the house purchase is under way.

That was my first thought too.

@Beyondthewindowsill555I did agree with you re questioning but some people are easily persuaded and believe they are doing the right thing. The goalposts have shifted.

Why are you listening to your siblings? They clearly don’t have your best interests at heart. Move out and enjoy the independence again!

You must move out .....

Move out

My XMIL died yesterday - she was 102. Your mum could live for YEARS with your care & siblings letting you take the burden. I cared for my parents & caring is bloody hard work. Totally support you not wanting to do this. It is tough lonely work with so-called support services expecting you to be on call at all times.

My mother initially cared for my father (he had dementia and Parkinson's) until a stroke disabled her on one side of her body. I remember an Occupational Therapist bringing a commode into the house. It was me who asked them to demonstrate how my mother, with a disabled side, would be able to a/ put on gloves in order to deal with human waste, and b/ actually manage to deal with emptying the potty with only one hand. I invited her to tie one hand behind her back & perform the process. She got my point & removed the article. Similar when they brought in a wheelchair - I invited them to demonstrate how my mother could wheel that around with one good arm - great if they only want to go in a circle, but no good for actually going anywhere(!)

My XH allowed his brother & sister to take the burden of caring for my XMIL & used to moan about how they should let him have his 'inheritance'. I used to remind him that it was his mother's money until she died and, if she wanted to, she could leave it to the Cat's Home not him. I so hope that there isn't much money left after her care fees, but, as his sister was a social worker, & they arranged for 24/7 care in her home, In suspect that they had arranged things so that my (V lazy work shy) XH will inherit about £150k 😡

Your siblings want you there as a free carer to protect their inheritance. Just buy your place and move out, what are they going to do? Call the Police??!!

A lot to unpack here, and I agree with @Beyondthewindowsill555 this situation would not have happened “ in the moment”. How did your siblings put the pressure on you to sell your property and move yourself and kids n with your unwell , difficult mother? Do they have such an unhealthily strong hold over you? Your mother is unpleasant and will likely get even more so as she goes through the middle stages of dementia. Expect paranoia, accusations of theft, it’s really not a congenial environment to bring kids up in ( I had to manage my dads Alzheimer’s and it nearly sunk my mental health). I can only think you will need to be strong OP and get yourself out of this situation. The only fair solution is you move out, there is a rota between you and your 2 siblings to provide support, get paid carersin and eventually your mother will probably have to go into residential care. It sucks but you living there with her could be horrific for you and your kids.

I think that you can choose to be unhappy in the service of your mum. But you can't choose to have your children unhappy for that reason. So you have to go, not because you have a duty to you mum, but because you have a duty to your kids.

They will look back one day on their childhood, and when they do, you want them to remember that they were happy, and that their mum made sure that they were.