Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to end relationship over misunderstanding with waitress

642 replies

Butterfly75756 · 12/03/2025 19:42

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

OP posts:
Nikki75 · 14/03/2025 11:49

MyDeftDuck · 13/03/2025 19:14

Here's a bit of strength for you........just say....... "sorry, I don't have room in my life for another child so on yer bike mushroom monster"!

Show quote history

😂

Holldstock1 · 14/03/2025 12:20

OP just caught up with the thread. Having read it I'm very glad you have finished with him. Please DO NOT end up giving in and getting back with him for any reason.

I hope that you've read enough comments from others to know his behaviour is not normal. This reinforces what I said to you earlier. He is abusing you. Look at all the ways he has undermined, dominated, sapped your confidence, made you feel small about yourself and your choices. His verbal abuse is all about making you feel small and vulnerable. Trying to control your clothing choices/ appearance? Asking for your help with the baby gift, then ignoring your advice and belittling you, then blaming you when the last option wasn't one his mother liked. Making it sound like YOU were at fault. Putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself.

His 'I'm going to rethink if I want to be with you' may well be another tactic to make you feel anxious enough to want to stay with him.

That's all about control and domination. And the times when he's nice or complimentary must come as a real relief and make you have an emotional high against the negative nagging, put downs and derogatory comments. It puts your emotions on a see saw keeping you off balance and more under his control.

DO NOT go back to him. You've made the break from what you say. Stick with your decision.

You deserve to be happy and to be with someone who makes you laugh not cry, is your back up and the one you can lean on, will reassure and most importantly value and loves you for who you are.

Mervyco · 14/03/2025 13:16

If he does not eat mushrooms at home then yes, you should have backed him up. The fact that on this occasion you say you did not remember is not relevant,
It is his eating pattern that you should consider
I do think that he is being a bit over the top saying that he wants to break up over this .How was the relationship in general?? I susect not a great one. You say you are an emotional wreck: maybe that is putting him off you. Emotional instability can be hard for some men to live with
I think a lot of the respondants are warning you off because they think he was wrong in arguing with the waitress. I think she was wrong argueing with him. He is the customer: if he wants no mushrooms, she should have just taken it back to the kitchen and replated, without them. The customer is always right, even when he is wrong. Maybe I am just too old.
That being said: I remember being in a restaurant and asking for my meat rare, and it came well done. The waitress told me it would be rare in the middle, and then asked what she was supposed to do with the rejected steak. Do you want to know the answer??

Dumbdog · 14/03/2025 13:26

Mervyco · 14/03/2025 13:16

If he does not eat mushrooms at home then yes, you should have backed him up. The fact that on this occasion you say you did not remember is not relevant,
It is his eating pattern that you should consider
I do think that he is being a bit over the top saying that he wants to break up over this .How was the relationship in general?? I susect not a great one. You say you are an emotional wreck: maybe that is putting him off you. Emotional instability can be hard for some men to live with
I think a lot of the respondants are warning you off because they think he was wrong in arguing with the waitress. I think she was wrong argueing with him. He is the customer: if he wants no mushrooms, she should have just taken it back to the kitchen and replated, without them. The customer is always right, even when he is wrong. Maybe I am just too old.
That being said: I remember being in a restaurant and asking for my meat rare, and it came well done. The waitress told me it would be rare in the middle, and then asked what she was supposed to do with the rejected steak. Do you want to know the answer??

You might want to read the OPs updates and reconsider your position here.

The guy is a bellend.

eastegg · 14/03/2025 13:36

Mervyco · 14/03/2025 13:16

If he does not eat mushrooms at home then yes, you should have backed him up. The fact that on this occasion you say you did not remember is not relevant,
It is his eating pattern that you should consider
I do think that he is being a bit over the top saying that he wants to break up over this .How was the relationship in general?? I susect not a great one. You say you are an emotional wreck: maybe that is putting him off you. Emotional instability can be hard for some men to live with
I think a lot of the respondants are warning you off because they think he was wrong in arguing with the waitress. I think she was wrong argueing with him. He is the customer: if he wants no mushrooms, she should have just taken it back to the kitchen and replated, without them. The customer is always right, even when he is wrong. Maybe I am just too old.
That being said: I remember being in a restaurant and asking for my meat rare, and it came well done. The waitress told me it would be rare in the middle, and then asked what she was supposed to do with the rejected steak. Do you want to know the answer??

Your take on this is way off, but each to their own I suppose.

The issue between the waitress and this man was whether he’d said no mushrooms, not whether he actually likes them or not! He was looking for the OP to lie about whether he’d said it. I don’t think anyone in the situation actually thought for a moment that he actually likes mushrooms, so OP’s input on that was irrelevant.

He was manipulative and nasty. ‘I might break up with you if you don’t lie for me’. If you can’t see that then I fear for your character judgement.

OP’s dumped him now, thank goodness. I’m sure she’ll take on board your suggestion that it was she at fault because of her ‘emotional instability!. 😂. I hope she’s able to laugh at that suggestion as much as I am.

Okyeswaitno · 14/03/2025 13:47

I haven't read the full thread, but listened to this the other day, it was very enlightening, and I really recommend it!
Femicide, The eight stages that mark a relationship’s transformation to murder.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0029395

BBC Radio 4 - File on 4 Investigates, Femicide

The eight stages that mark a relationship’s transformation to murder.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m0029395

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/03/2025 13:55

Seconded.

"He said a healthy relationship is where you can tell each other things you don't like about each other."

Just wanted to add that he made that Pronouncement to

  1. re-educate YOU on what a healthy relationship is (His idea of one anyway)

  2. Putting it on record that every time he gives you a list of the "things he doesn't like about you" or your "failings" he is not being nasty as you might think. Oh No, really he's just demonstrating what a healthy relationship is.

Complete and Utter Rubbish.

toxic44 · 14/03/2025 14:31

He sounds a bombastic bully. Save yourself whilst you can and drop him.

CameltoeParkerBowles · 14/03/2025 15:50

Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 17:25

A few examples -

On another meal out, I wore some jeans that he didn't like. He told me to burn them and never wear them again. He then was comparing me to other women in the restaurant and said I looked out of place.

It was his cousins baby shower and he had asked my advice about what to get as a gift. I suggested a nice outfit for the baby. He didn't like that idea and said no to everything else I suggested. I eventually told him to just get a gift card if he wasn't sure. Hours later he called back saying his mom had said that, that was a terrible idea and told me I had "taken advantage" of the fact he'd never been to a baby shower before and given him a shit idea on purpose. I was very confused about the whole thing.

Another time, we ordered Chinese and had to go and collect it. They only accepted cash and both of us had somehow forgotten our cards, so we couldn't withdraw any cash. I was apparently "stupid" for doing this and was told to "shut the fuck up" when I brought up the fact he'd also forgotten his.

On a day out, he randomly told me he hated my hair and I shouldn't do it like that again.

He always says I never make any effort with my appearance, which is baffling to me because people have always told me I look nice. I'm known as "the glam one" at work.

Has sent me the profiles of instagram influencers who he thinks I should get tips from.

Honestly there's loads of stuff, and writing it all down makes me realise how bad it is. But there are good times. Amazing times in fact, where I'm in tears from laughter, he's really loving and affectionate and he's telling me how much he loves me. It makes all the bad stuff go away. Until it happens again.

Show quote history

God Almighty! I realise this isn't your most recent post but why the fuck did you give this nasty little wankstain more than five minutes of your time?! No-one deserves the shit he's dished out to you. Good grief.

BobbyBiscuits · 14/03/2025 16:39

Dumbdog · 14/03/2025 08:19

Mushroom dicks?

Show quote history

Haha! Mostly! 🤏 🤣

JohnTheRevelator · 14/03/2025 16:53

candycane222 · 12/03/2025 19:45

Not sure I'd want to be with someone who was such a brat about his food!

Sounds to me like he was just looking for an excuse to dump you.

pimplebum · 14/03/2025 19:13

Your updates are horrific no amount of “good times” makes up for all that abuse
abused women alwYsthinkthingswill get better , they don’t

DearDenimEagle · 14/03/2025 21:31

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/03/2025 13:55

Seconded.

"He said a healthy relationship is where you can tell each other things you don't like about each other."

Just wanted to add that he made that Pronouncement to

  1. re-educate YOU on what a healthy relationship is (His idea of one anyway)

  2. Putting it on record that every time he gives you a list of the "things he doesn't like about you" or your "failings" he is not being nasty as you might think. Oh No, really he's just demonstrating what a healthy relationship is.

Complete and Utter Rubbish.

Yeah, just try telling him things you don’t like about him and see how healthy he thinks the relationship is then. 🤣 They are masters of double standards and hypocrisy

DearDenimEagle · 14/03/2025 21:33

JohnTheRevelator · 14/03/2025 16:53

Sounds to me like he was just looking for an excuse to dump you.

Show quote history

Nah, he’s trying to erode her self esteem and have her apologising and begging him to stay in her life and that she will not let him down again / subjugate herself in future

Onthemaintrunkline · 14/03/2025 21:45

Well done, so pleased you have ended it. Sending sincere good wishes that the next chap you meet, (if it’s to be) is a straightforward honest respectful man. Someone who lightens your heart and makes you relaxed and happy.

NewMarmiteJar · 14/03/2025 23:39

Get out while you can. He’s sounds like a prize prick.

PixieTales · 14/03/2025 23:47

Yeah this isn’t about the mushrooms.

OP if you feel like you need a cry then good on you for releasing your emotions.

Mush62 · 14/03/2025 23:59

I like mushrooms and would happily take you out for dinner and eat them and prove not all men are arseholes, and show you how real men act when taking out their lady

MarkingBad · 15/03/2025 00:53

Jalopy77 · 15/03/2025 00:27

The link is to this thread

Jacopo · 15/03/2025 07:05

Eerily similar indeed.

NaomhPadraigin · 15/03/2025 08:14

Jalopy77 · 15/03/2025 00:27

That's the link the this thread, am I missing something?

HisNibs · 15/03/2025 10:22

@Jalopy77 You've linked the thread to itself. Oops

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/03/2025 17:35

DearDenimEagle · 14/03/2025 21:31

Yeah, just try telling him things you don’t like about him and see how healthy he thinks the relationship is then. 🤣 They are masters of double standards and hypocrisy

Show quote history

ITA!💯
I bet he would walk away as soon as she started. People like her, HOPEFULLY now ex, love to dish it out but cannot take it because, in their small, pathetic little minds, they are perfect.

@Butterfly75756 I hope you are doing okay and enjoying the weekend. I am sorry that you had to put up with so much shit from that twat waffle. Hopefully, you are enjoying the peace of not being put down and diminished. You deserve so much better. Best wishes!

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 15/03/2025 17:40

JohnTheRevelator · 14/03/2025 16:53

Sounds to me like he was just looking for an excuse to dump you.

Show quote history

Actually, it sounds like he is an emotionally and mentally abusive twat waffle. I bet when she dumps/dumped his sorry, worthless ass, he will try/tried to talk himself back into her good graces. Because he needs someone to abuse, as men like him are wont to do.