DP wants to end relationship over misunderstanding with waitress

[Butterfly75756]

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

All people do on hear is jump to conclusions. I have only ever responded to one post prior to this. And I won’t bother again. It’s an extremely toxic environment on here. Everyone jumps to ludicrous conclusions. I have high standards, I have been with my husband 11 years, married for 4 years, 1 beautiful boy, and another on the way. I don’t have the words to describe how unbelievably lucky I am, to have the husband I have. I have had terrible relationships, including abusive. And he was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. He is the most kind, strong, supportive, incredible person I’ve met. I am still in awe at every interaction I get to witness with him and someone else. Because he can make anyone feel better about themselves, wise beyond his years. Calm, cool, collected. But a proper man. Like I said, I don’t have the words. I’d end up writing for eternity on here. So please don’t assume I’m with some asshole. As I have to constantly keep repeating, I responded to the original post saying I would have acted differently. That’s what they asked for. People’s opinion. After the updates. Of course my view would change. If he’s not a good person, then absolutely leave. If I had stayed in an abusive relationship, I wouldn’t have found my husband. And it made all the bullshit worth it to end up where I am. So try to see the positive in every situation. If she was in a committed relationship, before telling us what a prick he was, then I stand by, she should have backed him at the resturant. But it makes sense now why it was difficult for her to do so. My gosh like, it’s shocking how much women want to try tear down another simply for sharing their point of view. I’ve explained time and again. Over and out. Have a nice life mumsnetters. Definitely unsubscribing from this platform altogether. And I would never seek advice on here. Misery likes company, and too many people on here are miserable and love to see relationships fail rather than work through things. It’s a common trend. And again, that last part is not in response to this thread. That is a general overview of what I’ve witnessed. Just to be clear. The OP should not be with this person.

@ineverknowwhatusernametouse The problem is you are telling the OP that she should publicly agree with him to avoid him suffering any embarrassment, when he is clearly abusive to both her and low paid people providing him services. That's not the right answer. When someone is like that, agreeing with them so they don't lose face is entirely the wrong thing to do. My gran who was married in 1954 used to say things like this and I thought it was misogynistic and backwards even when I was a teenager.

Glad you ended things what you described is the cycle of abuse -
show lots of love/affection
make shitty comments/cause a row
blame you when you call them out
sulk/become aggressive
show lots of love and affection

you end up desperate to get the love back so you look for ways to manage/avoid the bad things by changing yourself to please him. Then the love stage gets smaller and smaller and eventually you are trying to get something back that’s not even part of the relationship anymore. Whilst the bad phases get worse and chip away at your confidence and esteem.

A lucky escape

It was very obvious from the first post that this person was a dick!

He wanted to end the relationship because his partner didn’t perform in the way he wished.

I think agreeing with him even though you don’t know, so essentially telling a lie is disgraceful . Why would you feel the need to do that, but xall
him a prick later?

It’s interesting that both the strongly “I’d lie for him, I’d back him” posters have both flounced dramatically.

It seems to say to me, that you’ve realised you’ve been thinking wrongly.

Nah, it just fits with performative ‘respect’.

All a bit Peggy Mitchell.

Language like ‘real man’ gives a hint of old-fashioned gender stereotyping where women obey.

RUN ! This is a beautiful piece of luck for you. I would have said to him yes let's end it and have left.
What a bully. Not worth your beautiful tears- he is a wimp and a control freak.

The "you're embarrassing me" comment would have shocked me into stopping crying enough to say "wow, bye then!"
That's the problem with emotional abusers, from one survivor to another- they make you feel either shit or crazy, then love bomb you so you think, well it's not all bad.
Please, get some help from a domestic abuse charity, and dump his arse! 💐

Always judge a man by the way he treats 'inferiors' and animals. As for asking you to perjure yourself... wow.

Nope. No one should lie or get another to lie to get their way. If she wasn’t listening when he put in his order, then she can say so. He should have kept calm with the waiting staff, who should not have argued with him, and taken it up calmly with the manager if not being satisfied. He should not make a scene in front of other diners, affecting their enjoyable time out, and especially not rant at his partner for 20 minutes in the restaurant.
Ill mannered, boorish behaviour.

Doesn't sound as tho' DP has ever worked in hospitality! Most waitresses (and waiters) I have known would have smiled sweetly, taken plate back to kitchen, scraped off mushrooms, then spat on his food before returning with an even bigger smile! It happens so often with arrogant bullies - be polite with staff - they bring your food! 🙂

@ineverknowwhatusernametouse Morals are not plasticene.

A true indication of a person's character is how they treat others of a perceived lower status (the waitress for example).

HE has to reconsider the relationship?
Tell him don't bother, you're dumping him.

If he is so fragile that he needs you to lie for him, over a silly thing, what will he do when something serious comes up? Let's say you see him stealing, or you are with him in the car when the officer stops you for speeding; will you 'have' to say you didn't see him, or that you saw the speedometer was just below 40, in order to maintain the [questionable] peace?

He sounds absolutely vile. You need to leave this man immediately as he is destroying your confidence and self worth. Please do come back and give us an update and tell us you left this horrible man. 🥰🥰🥰🥰

What about women who are fussy with food? Is that ok?

If he will do you a favor and stay with you, only if you are his doormat... do you really need him? You apologise if and when you do something wrong - and you didn't.