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Original poster

DP wants to end relationship over misunderstanding with waitress

642 replies

Butterfly75756 · 12/03/2025 19:42

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

OP posts:
Peacockcolours · 13/03/2025 18:46

He’s gaslighting you. Better to be with no partner rather than one like this - life’s hard enough as it is- you deserve better ( and I don’t even know you )

ArtfulPinkBird · 13/03/2025 18:48

What a tool. Hope you're ok, you deserve much better than this 💐

Single50something · 13/03/2025 18:49

Def get rid if can...they say you can see the kind of person someone is by how they treat waiting staff..that says it all?
My ex was often v rude to waiting staff and I should have realised then what I was in for

Run while you can x

FeetLikeFlippers · 13/03/2025 18:53

Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 17:25

A few examples -

On another meal out, I wore some jeans that he didn't like. He told me to burn them and never wear them again. He then was comparing me to other women in the restaurant and said I looked out of place.

It was his cousins baby shower and he had asked my advice about what to get as a gift. I suggested a nice outfit for the baby. He didn't like that idea and said no to everything else I suggested. I eventually told him to just get a gift card if he wasn't sure. Hours later he called back saying his mom had said that, that was a terrible idea and told me I had "taken advantage" of the fact he'd never been to a baby shower before and given him a shit idea on purpose. I was very confused about the whole thing.

Another time, we ordered Chinese and had to go and collect it. They only accepted cash and both of us had somehow forgotten our cards, so we couldn't withdraw any cash. I was apparently "stupid" for doing this and was told to "shut the fuck up" when I brought up the fact he'd also forgotten his.

On a day out, he randomly told me he hated my hair and I shouldn't do it like that again.

He always says I never make any effort with my appearance, which is baffling to me because people have always told me I look nice. I'm known as "the glam one" at work.

Has sent me the profiles of instagram influencers who he thinks I should get tips from.

Honestly there's loads of stuff, and writing it all down makes me realise how bad it is. But there are good times. Amazing times in fact, where I'm in tears from laughter, he's really loving and affectionate and he's telling me how much he loves me. It makes all the bad stuff go away. Until it happens again.

Show quote history

i only just read this update of yours and can confirm that every single one of these incidents is a textbook case of coercive control, and the love-bombing in between is all part of it, to reel you back in and keep you doubting yourself. I’m so glad you’re rid of him now.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 13/03/2025 18:54

Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 18:33

To answer a few questions - we aren't married. Don't live together. I own my own house where I live with my daughter. He lives about an hour away.

I have found the courage to end the relationship. Hopefully I'm strong enough to follow through!

Do it for your daughter. The relationship she sees as a child will form the basis for her own relationships as an adult and she’s statistically more likely to be a victim of domestic abuse in her relationships when she’s older if you were.

Vynalbob · 13/03/2025 18:57

Sounds like he hasn't mushroom (much room) in his life for anything else except himself & his fragile ego.

You've asked the question but I reckon you're already pretty sure of the correct answer.
👍

TwistedWonder · 13/03/2025 18:57

Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 17:25

A few examples -

On another meal out, I wore some jeans that he didn't like. He told me to burn them and never wear them again. He then was comparing me to other women in the restaurant and said I looked out of place.

It was his cousins baby shower and he had asked my advice about what to get as a gift. I suggested a nice outfit for the baby. He didn't like that idea and said no to everything else I suggested. I eventually told him to just get a gift card if he wasn't sure. Hours later he called back saying his mom had said that, that was a terrible idea and told me I had "taken advantage" of the fact he'd never been to a baby shower before and given him a shit idea on purpose. I was very confused about the whole thing.

Another time, we ordered Chinese and had to go and collect it. They only accepted cash and both of us had somehow forgotten our cards, so we couldn't withdraw any cash. I was apparently "stupid" for doing this and was told to "shut the fuck up" when I brought up the fact he'd also forgotten his.

On a day out, he randomly told me he hated my hair and I shouldn't do it like that again.

He always says I never make any effort with my appearance, which is baffling to me because people have always told me I look nice. I'm known as "the glam one" at work.

Has sent me the profiles of instagram influencers who he thinks I should get tips from.

Honestly there's loads of stuff, and writing it all down makes me realise how bad it is. But there are good times. Amazing times in fact, where I'm in tears from laughter, he's really loving and affectionate and he's telling me how much he loves me. It makes all the bad stuff go away. Until it happens again.

Show quote history

So the OP is the tip of a huge iceberg of abuse?

He’s a controlling manipulative abusive bullying cunt who throws a few crumbs of the bare minimum now and again to keep you reeled in.

Stop wasting your life with this vile wanker.

Honestly I can not believe the sheer number of threads in MN where women are happy to tolerate being treating like absolute shit just to stay with a man and that they bring this scum into their kids lives.. It horrifies me

Edited - I see your updated you’ve ended it. Don’t let him plead and promise to change - he won’t

DearDenimEagle · 13/03/2025 18:57

Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 17:25

A few examples -

On another meal out, I wore some jeans that he didn't like. He told me to burn them and never wear them again. He then was comparing me to other women in the restaurant and said I looked out of place.

It was his cousins baby shower and he had asked my advice about what to get as a gift. I suggested a nice outfit for the baby. He didn't like that idea and said no to everything else I suggested. I eventually told him to just get a gift card if he wasn't sure. Hours later he called back saying his mom had said that, that was a terrible idea and told me I had "taken advantage" of the fact he'd never been to a baby shower before and given him a shit idea on purpose. I was very confused about the whole thing.

Another time, we ordered Chinese and had to go and collect it. They only accepted cash and both of us had somehow forgotten our cards, so we couldn't withdraw any cash. I was apparently "stupid" for doing this and was told to "shut the fuck up" when I brought up the fact he'd also forgotten his.

On a day out, he randomly told me he hated my hair and I shouldn't do it like that again.

He always says I never make any effort with my appearance, which is baffling to me because people have always told me I look nice. I'm known as "the glam one" at work.

Has sent me the profiles of instagram influencers who he thinks I should get tips from.

Honestly there's loads of stuff, and writing it all down makes me realise how bad it is. But there are good times. Amazing times in fact, where I'm in tears from laughter, he's really loving and affectionate and he's telling me how much he loves me. It makes all the bad stuff go away. Until it happens again.

Show quote history

The good times are an act..they are the breadcrumbs he throws you to ensure you stay to be abused again. He is Jekyll and Hyde ..and I was in a similar relationship. The control…how to dress, how to wear your hair, the little criticisms and the big ones, putting you in situations where you can’t do right for doing wrong…if you have been in those troughs of despair with the intervals of highs, it’s no wonder you cried, but now get angry lol. TBH, mine could reduce me to tears too, though it was usually at home. In public , he treated me well so he looked good to everyone.
Im glad you’re getting rid. They only get worse with age.

Newyorklady · 13/03/2025 18:58

what a cretin.

Easipeelerie · 13/03/2025 19:06

He is a very bad person. Get rid asap.

BumpandBounce · 13/03/2025 19:09

I’m glad you’ve decided to end the relationship. I agree that your daughter will model herself on what she witnessed growing up. What you want her future BF to talk to her like that? Then don’t let her think it’s ok.

You don’t need to give him a reason. A text - “This isn’t working for me anymore. Our relationship is over. Don’t call or message me. If you turn up on my doorstep unannounced, I’ll call the police.”

Then you block him on everything including all social media, change your account settings to private, delete his number and buy a Ring doorbell just in case. Tell friends and family that you’ve dumped him because he was being abusive.

Bikergran · 13/03/2025 19:14

Butterfly75756 · 12/03/2025 19:42

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

Leave. Now. He's a spoilt, rude narcissistic arsehole, and he is making you an emotional wreck. You deserve better.

MyDeftDuck · 13/03/2025 19:14

Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 18:33

To answer a few questions - we aren't married. Don't live together. I own my own house where I live with my daughter. He lives about an hour away.

I have found the courage to end the relationship. Hopefully I'm strong enough to follow through!

Here's a bit of strength for you........just say....... "sorry, I don't have room in my life for another child so on yer bike mushroom monster"!

MustWeDoThis · 13/03/2025 19:14

Butterfly75756 · 12/03/2025 19:42

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

It sounds like he resents you and mushrooms were just a catalyst for him to express this.

Rosejasmine · 13/03/2025 19:14

This behaviour over mushrooms? Blaming you, causing a scene. You are better off out of that relationship - he’s shown his bullying true colours.
Whether or not you should have lied is the least of your worries, sorry.

Original poster
Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 19:15

The only good thing is he hasn't met my daughter!

OP posts:
fetchacloth · 13/03/2025 19:15

Run for the hills OP, this could just be the start.

Shotokan101 · 13/03/2025 19:16

He's definitely being unreasonable with you by criticising you for not "backing him up" in fact he should have been "man enough" to simply,y reiterate his case to the waitress.

FWIW - the waitress if also (IMHO) very much at fault here for not simply acknowledging the "mushroom arror/situation" as she had no right whatsoever to argue with him about whose mistake it was - just say "sorry about that sir, the kitchen mussed have misread the order and I didn't notice it when I picked it up, I'll just pop back to the kitchen and get you a fresh plate without mushrooms"

Silly trivial mistakes do often "just happen".

In fact, if it had been myself and she argued with me then I'd have immediately requested to see the manager about her behaviour and not the bloody mushrooms....

No stress, no hassle.

EDIT

....and time you dumped his gaslighting arse.... take his perceived control away and show him how it feels....

Mush62 · 13/03/2025 19:17

Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 18:33

To answer a few questions - we aren't married. Don't live together. I own my own house where I live with my daughter. He lives about an hour away.

I have found the courage to end the relationship. Hopefully I'm strong enough to follow through!

Well done you, now dig in to keep him out.

riceuten · 13/03/2025 19:18

Leave this man child

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/03/2025 19:20

Just remember that you DONT need his permission to end the relationship.

Men like this can leave you feeling like, if they dont agree, you have to stay with them. They are wrong. They just dont want to lose the power and control. Keep repeating to yourself "I dont need his permission".

fetchacloth · 13/03/2025 19:23

Butterfly75756 · 13/03/2025 17:25

A few examples -

On another meal out, I wore some jeans that he didn't like. He told me to burn them and never wear them again. He then was comparing me to other women in the restaurant and said I looked out of place.

It was his cousins baby shower and he had asked my advice about what to get as a gift. I suggested a nice outfit for the baby. He didn't like that idea and said no to everything else I suggested. I eventually told him to just get a gift card if he wasn't sure. Hours later he called back saying his mom had said that, that was a terrible idea and told me I had "taken advantage" of the fact he'd never been to a baby shower before and given him a shit idea on purpose. I was very confused about the whole thing.

Another time, we ordered Chinese and had to go and collect it. They only accepted cash and both of us had somehow forgotten our cards, so we couldn't withdraw any cash. I was apparently "stupid" for doing this and was told to "shut the fuck up" when I brought up the fact he'd also forgotten his.

On a day out, he randomly told me he hated my hair and I shouldn't do it like that again.

He always says I never make any effort with my appearance, which is baffling to me because people have always told me I look nice. I'm known as "the glam one" at work.

Has sent me the profiles of instagram influencers who he thinks I should get tips from.

Honestly there's loads of stuff, and writing it all down makes me realise how bad it is. But there are good times. Amazing times in fact, where I'm in tears from laughter, he's really loving and affectionate and he's telling me how much he loves me. It makes all the bad stuff go away. Until it happens again.

Show quote history

Reading this post was just typical of the behaviour my ex H 🙄. After putting up with this for 14 years, I divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
There were other reasons for the divorce too, but the relentless criticisms, snarky comments and public put-downs, ground me down to a shell of my former self.

You are worth far more than this and there's bound to be someone else out there for you that's worth a 100x of him. 💐

DrummingMousWife · 13/03/2025 19:24

Tell him he is dumped and hand him a bag of mushrooms for the journey home

Guavafish1 · 13/03/2025 19:29

He is horrible! Tell him to dump you!

Busybeemumm · 13/03/2025 19:30

Your updates only confirm what a pathetic emotionally abusive man he is. Emotional abuse and gas lighting are a small step away from physical abuse but more damaging and your self esteem will erode the longer you stay with him.

Thank goodness you don't have children or a mortgage together so should be easier to accept his invitation to end this relationship!

It's probably easier to let him think he ended it or otherwise his ego will feel rejected and you could find yourself in a risky situation. Just keep your wits about you and save yourself and your daughter.