AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Don’t do it. Enjoy a chilled break with your toddler and go camping with the other kids.

A bit, yes. Of course he doesn't want to leave most of his children out of a holiday.

Would you feel any differently? I wouldn't. I could not enjoy a holiday with one child knowing I'd left my other children out.

If you can't afford the extra cost then maybe do you have a friend with a child who could go with you instead?

You won the trip so your call. By the sounds of it i wouldn't take them, they won't enjoy it anyway and are still getting a holiday later that i assume is more tailored to their likes?

Don't have children with men that already have children if you aren't prepared to treat those kids as part of your family.

Fact is you can't afford to take extra children on this holiday. Putting it on a credit card is not a solution.

Either you both go with your toddler or just you and a friend.

I don't know, the difficulty is it's a special holiday which is unlikely to be repeated, I think it's worse to leave out the older children in those circumstances.

How relaxing is a beach holiday with a toddler anyway? I would take them. As a half sibling I was left out of multiple holidays growing up. It always felt so unfair and left me with massive jealousy of my sibling.

This.

Do the kids go abroad with their mam? If so, you can explain it to them. If not, then you are being unfair.

Well presumably the kids get other opportunities for holidays with their other parent so I’d take this time to focus on your toddler. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this - make sure there are kids clubs you can book them on so it keeps everyone entertained and happy x

Is there an option of taking the holiday in term time? It then gives a good and impersonal reason for not taking the SC and they can be told that as it was a competiton prize the organisers only allow it to be taken in the off peak (ie inexpensive) times of the year.

I’ll get flamed for this I’m sure but I’d just tell dh you can’t extend the holiday and he can join or you’ll take someone else in his place

then I’d use the holiday to evaluate whether I stayed in the relationship tbh as it won’t get better as the sdc get older

Take the SC on a separate camping holiday.

You are only going on this holiday because you won it, you couldn’t afford it otherwise. Taking on debt to book flights and a bigger room is madness.

It’s not as if you are prioritising spend on your own DC, and not his.

This puts him in a very difficult position I am afraid OP. I can see why he doesn't feel like he can leave his kids at home. Could you and your toddler go with a friend or you sibling / parent? So your DP doesn't come but he wont feel he is being unfair to his other kids?

Usually I'm on the side of - stepkids are your kids and should be included, kind of vibe, but here I think you might have a point.

You have won the holiday, and there aren't enough spaces. So I think it's your decision who you take. If there are already plans to take the other kids away, that's fair.

The issue is, will your DH just have a big sulk the whole holiday, or will he get on board and enjoy it on your terms?

If a sulker, then I agree with PP. Choose a mate with a kid and go together. Or choose three mates and leave the baby at home with DH.

I had a stepmother who didn’t really like my existence. Showed her irritation. Made me feel like I was not part of ‘her’ family. I was between the ages of 4 and 8.

Made me feel worthless, a feeling that’s been difficult to shake all my life. My ‘father’ gave in to her and I’ve not had contact with him since I was 8 (am that plus 40 now!).

Don’t do it to the kids OP. Not their fault.

Or choose three mates and leave the baby at home with DH.

Your idea is better than mine 😂

If the children were mine, I wouldn’t have had the toddler. They’re not. Entertaining three badly behaved pre-teens and a toddler is not a holiday, it’s an endurance test.

Surely what you mean is, if you don’t want to have a second family, don’t have one.

Surely kids of that age would absolutely love a beach holiday? Claiming that they're 'active' seems a bit disingenuous, I have children around those ages who are super active and love nothing more than spending time on the beach/in the sea. You obviously don't want his kids there and I can't help but feel a bit sorry for them (although I agree you shouldn't be getting into debt to take them with you)

Couldn’t you add them to this holiday and forget the ten days camping?

An all inclusive beach holiday sounds like it’d be less stressful and more fun for everyone than ten days in a tent…with these awful, badly behaved step children.

But you didn't have a second family - you had a first family (if I understand your situation correctly). You could have had a kid with anyone but you chose someone with children, I think that is @witheringrowan 's point.

No they don’t go abroad with their mum because their mum prefers to go abroad without them, when they’re with us.

I’ve told DH I’ll take the toddler alone or go with a friend over going with SC, but given how rough a few years we’ve had, I think I would be reconsidering the relationship.

Take a friend or go just the 3 of you. Surely you don’t have to take all the children on every holiday? DH could take his children on a special short trip with activities they’d love, to make up for it.

Oh. I see from your update it's not a money thing but that you hate your step kids. Please Leave your partner. Those kids do not deserve to be treated as an inconvenience.

Sounds like there are bigger issues. I would take a friend. I don’t think I could go on holiday and only take one of my four children, so I see why your husband has reservations.