AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

I’m with OP, especially after the updates that she is under strain to support the whole family, DC included. But I’m also quite swayed by the fact that the SDC have had good holidays with dad and OP in the past, before money became tighter. This seems a good opportunity to allow toddler to have a little of what their half siblings already had at that same age…

Although, tbh, there seems a fair amount of resentment already for which I’m guessing there is a back story. I think OP should have a hard think about whether this set up is one she can live with or whether it’s best to cut her losses early doors.

They’re not hers though, so it is irrelevant what she might do if they were.

That's awful. OP you cannot do that. Just because you didn't give birth to them, you're married to their father therefore you're their step DM! You're not really suggesting that you take some of your kids and not the others? You wouldn't dream of doing that if you'd given birth to them all so why would you in this case? They're DH's DC and your step DC.

I don’t hate SC at all, I love them, and their behaviour is fairly age-appropriate. It’s just that spending time with them naturally means the energy and focus is on them and I desperately need a break and some couple time.

Ultimately my relationship with SC is dependent on my relationship with DH. If DH and I divorce, there is no “new family” anymore.

@SemperIdem well, it isn't irrelevant because she CHOSE to have a child with a man who already had 3 kids. In doing so she accepted that all of his children would be equally important to him and he should not prioritise the interests of the new child over those of the ones he already had.

Sorry but I agree with this. When you married him, you agreed to include his DC in everything.

I’m not going to be their stepmum for much longer at this rate, and I doubt I’ll see much of them if DH and I divorce.

Sounds like you’re seeing yourself as two completely different units. Theres you and DD one side and him and his children the other and you want him to (temporarily) discard his children to put your ‘side’ first. It really shouldn’t be like that.

You married and had a child with a man that already has (young) children. At that point you all become one family unit. Trying to treat it any other way will just end with resentment, anger, upset and jealousy on both sides for the adults and children involved.

I honestly think this might be the time for you and DH to just go alone without any of the children, to see if you can reconnect and find a way forward you’re all happy with.

It sounds like a difficult situation and whatever you decide won't please everyone. But do bear in mind that, should you separate and you later start another relationship, your child will be step child in that new relationship. So maybe treat your existing step children now the way you'd want yours to be treated in the future.

Does your DH know how you feel about your marriage?

You should take this holiday with a friend and figure out your marriage, it sounds like it's over to me.

This. (Just obviously don’t talk about the holiday in front of the step children).

Yes but he’s minimising it. We rarely get time together to talk as I’m always working or with the toddler and we have SC on basically every weekend and holiday.

If it was the case that DH’s next marriage was on the rocks, I’d rather he did whatever it took to provide stability for his children.

No she didn’t!

I don’t think putting the extra two flights etc on a credit card is a good idea when struggling.

You won the holiday. There’s not enough space for everyone and it won’t be relaxing if they come. I’d say to DH due to the financial implications and the fact that you haven’t had a holiday with toddler yet abroad just the three of you go. The other kids will enjoy camping.

You have taken the others abroad before so they are not missing out.

Also, it gets a bit boring to hear about how SDC should always get exactly the same as resident DC otherwise they are missing out and it’s unfair - and it is almost always the case that the SDC either get extra with their mum, or have had more/better in the past. As is the case here.

And downplay the holiday/ don’t talk about it much. Just a competition that you won etc.

@Elektra1

When there have multiple children it is rare to see parents equally prioritise them at all times because because needs are different.

This only seems to be an issue when it’s a blended family.

They are not her children, though she seems to be doing a lot more providing than either of their actual parents at present.

Are you always this black and white in your viewpoint?

The OP is paying the majority of the household expenses in order for the dad to keep paying maintenance. She is working 60 hours per week to enable this. Doesn't sound like the actions of a hateful step parent. The SC have 2 parents, one of whom happily goes on holiday abroad without her children.

OP - go on the holiday you have won with your child. If your DP doesn't want to leave his children then go without him. It sounds like you need a break and some thinking time to assess whether this relationship is worth repairing.

You are angry with the situation you are in- and under enormous financial strain. You are living a reality you didn't expect. You get something nice. And you and DP interpret this totally differently.

Is it really the SC that's annoying you- I'm guessing not. I'm guessing it's actually your DP and not 'seeing' you and prioritising you that's the problem. You think great- a holiday. I can decompress and spend time with DP.

From his pov, maybe he feels like shit as he has lost his job...and the opportunity to do something nice for his kids (for the cost of 2 extra ) when he can barely scrape by, is something that he thought would be a good thing.

I think you are coming at it from different angles. The fact that you holiday already with the SC shows that you aren't excluding them. And I suspect deep down you don't really think they are awful...

I have a feeling you post about him quite a bit and yes I think your marriage may well be over and this is just the breaking point you don’t want them to come and it will tip it over the edge

takw a friend OP bexause if you are the poster I am thinking about it is over

My god. Imagine if the step DC ever read that? I mean I know it's highly unlikely but imagine if they did...? That's evil stepmum vibes

In normal circumstances I’d think it’s better to take them but given what OP has said about being burnt out and considering divorce I think this would be a good solution. Hopefully in a few years the financial situation (and the behaviour!) will have improved so another holiday abroad might be possible.

It isn't about the OP taking them on holiday, it is about them being taken on holiday by their father. Poor kids mum doesn't want them on holiday, step mum doesn't want them on holiday, dad does but people seem to think he's the unreasonable one.

Of course on another thread the father would be getting criticised for not wanting to take his older kids.