AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Frankly from your updates what you need is some time alone. I’d go with a friend.

Do you actually think that regarding him with an all inclusive holiday will save their marriage?! It's essentially her and two toddlers, isn't it?

I was referring to posters on first 3 pages. But yes, as a fellow responsible adult, I can see that @MeanOrJustified has been carrying around deadweight.

I think the point is that the mum is having a child free holiday but you are picking your favourite child. They are only kids and won't see the dynamic is different - just that their dad went on holiday with his whole new family without them.

This.

It sounds hideous and I get why you wouldn’t want to take them all but that’s the deal when you combine families. Taking the “shiny new” dc and leaving dh’s older dc is horrible - think of it from their point of view and hope that looks.

Lots of pp projecting based on their own scenario or an ideal scenario.

I think it’s obvious from OP responses she is in pretty clear need of a holiday with just her DH and their toddler.

Do what YOU need this time OP

OP, there are bigger issues here clearly, but I think YANBU to want to go away without three school age children in this scenario, where you have to spend money you don’t have to pay for it when you are already under financial strain.

I am a step mum and my DSS lives with me full time. I treat him as my child and usually I would comment on threads about treating children differently based on being step kids and say YABU.

If it were one SC then that would be unreasonable, but there is not space for three children and you cannot afford to pay for the extra 2.

My DSS can get jealous if I do something with our DD3 without him (for example I pulled her out of nursery for an afternoon just us as she starts school in September and we also have a still breastfeeding DD1) and I explained that is due to age and need. He was at home nearly full time with his mum at 3 as she didn’t work, and I work full time. He also gets things she doesn’t have due to his age, such as taking him gokarting where he and his dad go and me and the girls watch, and DD3 is fine with that.

Arrange the holiday in term time. Do it with your DH and toddler or friend, bring a present back for each SC and commit that in future you will save for a beach holiday for all of you in school holidays when DH is able to work.

Otherwise, if he wants them to come he needs to find the money in a way that doesn’t get you further into debt.

Don't take them, use the excuse that there's only space for one of them and it wouldn't be fair to leave two of them out. Go and enjoy your holiday xx

OP, I take back everything I have said.

DH might be drowning in debt but you’re currently drowning in life. I don’t think this situation is black and white enough that it’s as simple as ‘step mum is being selfish/mean’ because of the other circumstances surrounding it.

Your marriage is in trouble. This isn’t and shouldn’t be about the children or doing what is ‘fair.’ I still think you should consider going with just you and DH for some adult time to see whether your relationship has a chance or if it’s time to call it quits, sounds like you both need it.

Failing that, what you’ve said about DD being in bed early which allows you and DH time to talk, relax, be together etc makes sense.

He’s gone from a 100k a year job to doing a few delivery shifts a week whilst he “looks for something better.” He’s barely working. It covers his previously agreed maintenance and his phone bill and little else.

I am a lawyer so have no worries about the impact of ending a short marriage with few shared assets. Our pensions are similar and we rent.

Yes, perhaps SC would be offended that we went on holiday without them. But would that really be worse than us divorcing?

I’m a stepparent. I wouldn’t take my stepchild in these circumstances because what is going to be a relaxing break for you will become a child focussed holiday abroad (lots of work). On top of that you can’t afford it. On top of that we all know that the bulk of childcare falls on women in the vast majority of these circumstances. If your husband insists I’d tell him that you will be relaxing on the beach for the duration and he can occupy all the children and do the annoying tasks like applying sun cream, rallying them for dinner and so on (including your toddler since he is adverse to leaving some of his kids out). Or I’d go alone with a friend.

I understand that stepchildren need to be included in family holidays, but you have already booked a break with the stepchildren. The reality of step-family
life if that the stepchildren cannot be part of everything both families do - especially the non resident family. You will tie yourself in unbearable knots if for the rest of your life you have to include your stepchildren in absolutely everything you do with your own child. It isn’t sustainable. I think it’s actually fairly normal for parents to go away without children if they want a break. I’m going on a holiday without my children (bio or step) in June because I want an actual holiday. I’m also taking all children on a break in the summer, so we do try to do family things with all of us - but the reality is our shared child lives with us fulltime and sc does not. We can’t pretend it is otherwise.

Actually she has two younger children with her new partner and they all go together, leaving SC with us.

Am i the only one to think OP is at the end of her tether and husband just might be trying to avoid being in a position where they have time and energy to talk about their relationship?

I am not a step mum nor have I ever had step children, but from a logical point of view taking the SC doesn’t make sense. If you had not won the holiday you wouldn’t be going because you have no spare money. If you are the only one working then you get decide if you take on more debt.
I think this is probably a situation that may clarify your thoughts on your marriage - it doesn’t sound like your husband is putting anyone in his family first if he’s not found any sort of work in 18 months.
Take the holiday with a friend or family member, enjoy it and really think about whether this relationship is bringing you any joy anymore.

Look, you’ve asked if it’s unreasonable to exclude SC from a family holiday. In my opinion, it is. Would you leave your now toddler at home to take your second family on holiday? Probably not. The SC mother does it apparently, but I think it’s pretty shitty.

You have your reasons for wanting to exclude them… for example your marriage sounds pretty shit and you think this will save it… SC will get in the way of your 1:1 time with DH, there’s extra expense and you think the SC are hard work.

Personally, I think you either divorce him, let him work 60 hours a week to support his kids and take them on holiday, or you start acting like a family and find a way to take the SC together.

Same old MN crap aboot step
parents, you've to be a doormat to them but never have a say.
Go your holiday OP with a friend

His current maintenance needs to be based on his current income, not on his income 18 months ago.

Having read some more of the thread , might it be possible to leave all the kids and the husband behind and go with friends. Regardless I definitely wouldn't be taking the step children, if they feel left out that's not your problem. Their birth mum or dad can organise and pay their holidays

This has crossed my mind. I also think if we get divorced it’ll give him the perfect reason to say “she divorced me because she didn’t want to treat SC fairly” rather than because of his behaviour for the past two years. So it goes.

You’re preaching to the choir there.

You are asking for opinions you are not getting the ones you want so what do you really want people to say 'sure go for it sounds wonderful' no one needs permission to post but what do you expect?

I’d actually leave the toddler with him since he doesn’t work so can cover childcare. (And let’s be honest toddlers aren’t great on holiday). Then I’d go and have a fab holiday with a friend. (And have a think about my marriage).

No just no. Tell him it’s a make or break holiday for you and him and obviously your toddler has to come along as no childcare. If he refuses then there is your answer.

It sounds like this may have crystalised your feelings on whether you should continue trying to make this marriage work. If there were no other issues, I would say he's not unreasonable for wanting to take all his children on holiday, but that's not really what it's about. Have you bluntly said, "DH, we have been struggling for some time and counselling hasn't helped. This break is an opportunity for us to get away together and have the space and time to properly talk about the future of our marriage. We will have no time together at all if SC come." Maybe that's part of the reason he's pushing for his children to come - as a barrier to prevent him having to address any issues with you?

It reads like you think it's highly likely you'll divorce at some point in the near future. If that's the case, don't ruin what could be a nice holiday - take your mum, sister, friend, or just go by yourself with the toddler. Enjoy it and gather your thoughts and strength for what's ahead.

OP I think it's very cheeky of him to suggest you pay the extra to take his kids on holiday.

If he was financially stable and contributing 50% and offering to himself pay for the extra people that would be one thing. But it wouldn't be ideal anyway, would it? You don't want a 6 person holiday instead of a 3 person holiday.

You sound fed up.