AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

I don’t have strong views either way in terms of whether you should or shouldn’t go, but I do feel sorry for your step kids. I’m both a step child, and a step mum. I was very lucky that my step mum was inclusive and treated us as equals, not just when things were good, but when things were inconvenient too. She set a good example, and I have always tried to do the same. You talk about reconnecting with your husband, and I hope you can, but don’t ever forget, the step kids existed before you came along.

Don’t be territorial. I hope you can come to a resolution. I don’t think it’s massively unreasonable for you to enjoy this holiday with your husband and toddler, because on this occasion and with the circumstances of you winning the trip, that’s how it works out. But I do understand where your husband is coming from. Hope it all works out either way.

You clearly do think a lot of your sc, you can see that.
I can also see the desperation from you to get your marriage back on track.
Sometimes we have to do things that children don't like, in order for it to be better for them in the long run i.e. their dad and stepmum staying together.
Take your dh and your toddler and try get your marriage back on track.
YOU clearly need this and sometimes, even as mums and stepmums, we have to do things for ourselves to make sure we can continue.

Putting yourself first occasionally isn't a bad thing. As women, we should be making this more acceptable!!

This was my first thought - you are going to have a 3 year old with you anyway. I think you're being unfair.

@MeanOrJustified So you want "couple time" with one DC but not the others? And it just so happens that the one you're choosing to take is the one you gave birth to? Yeah, right.
Couple time my arse

But you haven't decided to divorce. You can't use the IF as a reason to treat them like this.

If I were you, I would. But I wouldn't have had a child with someone who already had three. Children were always going to lose out in that scenario.

YANBU. If you have to put it on a credit card to be able to take them then you can't afford it.

The holiday we have won is in a hotel. We have won a family room with a double bed and bunk beds. DH has worked out that there’s other family rooms with a sofa bed crammed in so wants to pay to upgrade to that.

Toddler goes to bed at 6pm so, if just us, we could spent the evenings on the balcony and talk. If SC were there, DH would end up taking them out every evening until their bedtime, and it’d likely be 10pm-ish every night. So we’d have no time alone at all.

The thing is if your DH was a better parent, you'd enjoy the company of your SC more because they'd behave better.

That said, a "holiday" with four children when there's only two adults is never going to be super relaxing.

Take a friend on the holiday, leave your toddler at home with his dad and give yourself some time away from the situation to think about what you really want going forward.

At the moment you are financially and emotionally supporting his choices (to have lots of kids, Vs you just having one) maybe you are no longer happy with that dynamic.

Are people missing the fact that you've taken the SC on plenty of holidays in the past?
Maybe this is the straw that will break the camel's back for you Op. You're working your socks off to pay for him and his older children and he is begrudging you the holiday you want and need. What sort of relationship is this?

No, actually, I existed before SC did. I, as an adult human with autonomy and financial freedom, before I became the maid and workhorse for DH, his ex and his children.

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 Put so much more succinctly than what I managed but, this 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Sounds bloody awful. I wouldn’t go on that holiday.

Either the 3 of you go or you go with your Mum/a friend?

I would just refuse to go on that holiday. It’s not a break.

Nobody made you marry him, did they?

Nobody’s stopping me divorcing him either.

So.... he gets rewarded with an all inclusive holiday? Take a friend with a child and have a lovely time.

Congratulations on winning the holiday! That must have been exciting. And what a disappointment to then have to argue about taking the other kids as well.

It's a beach holiday, not a trip to disneyland or something else that would be amazing for the other children. They'd be bored and it would be more stressful than just having the toddler.

Save the money for the upgraded room and spend it on a trip to legoland/disneyland/whereverthatsniceforkids instead.

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes she did! That's what marrying a person with DC means, amongst everything else. At least that's what it's meant to mean. Obviously doesn't to slightly more self centred people but yes, she did.

This has been a very harrowing thread to read. On the one hand I feel very sympathetic towards you OP, you've won a lovely holiday and now there are strings attached which you weren't expecting- of course you want a nice relaxing holiday with your biological child and husband.
However, your updates are starting to read like a toddler tantrum. You can't just say "well we'll get divorced then" and throw your toys out of the pram, because people disagree with you. Your DH is not unreasonable to want his children to come with him- especially if this is the kind of holiday they are normally unable to access. If the marriage is hanging by a thread then I have to say that a holiday with a toddler is not going to be its saving grace.

If your H was working, had money spare to stump up the cash for extending the holiday it’s one thing, but he doesn’t and everything is weighing on your shoulders

you say the kids won’t even enjoy this kind of trip, so it’s a bit irrelevant anyway.

your H needs to get back working and make plans to spend quality time with his kids, but in terms of practicality and logistics this holiday can’t be extended. he can’t leave 2 of the 3 kids out, so it’s only fair that none of them go this time.

You have the camping trip planned, you know they will enjoy that more, so leave it like that

do the step kids even have passports?

Well you shouldn’t have bloody married him then, use your loaf. He had kids when you became a couple. If you don’t like the current situation you find yourself in, get out! You are right, you can divorce him too.

So, can you clarify?

DH doesn’t work. You are working 60 hour weeks to pay for everything. He wants to pay for SDC to go on holiday using credit card debt?

Fuck that shit.

He is taking the piss. Go without him.

I’m really struggling why you decided to marry this man. What did you think the outcome would be in regards to the SC?

Oh come on. There are lots of things I’d rather not do than do with my own children - because they’re hard work and it would alter the experience to something I don’t want or need.
In OPs case the trip would go from a relaxing free break and chance to repair her marriage into more stress/expense/work/resentment. For kids who already get to have trips centring them a there needs! What’s the point? The kids themselves stand to gain nothing and lose a lot if OP is pushed over the edge.

I would take them.

They will feel so left out if you all go and don't take them and their own Mum doesn't take them abroad even. That is shit for them and this puts your DH in a really difficult position and I wouldn't personally want my DH to feel bad or guilty so we would take them. Are they not part of the family after all?

If the shoe was on the other foot and your DH won the holiday abroad would you be okay with him just taking his kids and leaving you and your toddler at home?

Lets face it a holiday with a toddler isn't going to be all sunshine and relaxation anyway. His kids will probably love it and entertain themselves for much of the time.

I think it’s perfectly fine to go on holiday without them as long as dh prioritises holiday time with them later in the year or next( not a family holiday with you, but a holiday just him focused on his older children). My dc have a bit of an age gap and it’s not easy finding things they will both enjoy. We often have separate holidays so we get proper 1 to 1 time with them (and they don’t spend the whole holiday fighting). It works really well. But it does mean your dh will have to organise and finance that separately for his kids.