AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

So get divorced?

You're not really interested in what anyone has to say and that's fine but no need to martyr yourself. If you want to get divorced, get divorced.

Their own mum goes on holiday without them while they are with their dad. Why can’t their dad go away when they are with their mum?
Especially as he went away with them but without the toddler previously AND also as this trip was won, ie not planned on purpose to exclude them.

OP, I would tell him that either he comes on his own or you would go with a friend. And that you are not subsidising him so he can pay for his kids plane tickets.

He is drowning in debt which I am paying off for him. I am paying for almost all of our household costs including couples counselling which is going nowhere. He’s been too down and depressed to get a proper job for eighteen months. I had to cut my maternity leave short to compensate and use up my savings. He now wants to put a holiday for SC on MY credit card instead of letting me have my free break.

They’ve got passports and have been on plenty of holidays like this in the past, they can’t right now because neither of their parents have jobs.

This situation has made me realise divorce is probably what’s happening next. Which some of you posters probably think is what’s best for SC anyway. Can’t see it when it means their dad won’t be able to afford to house them or pay their mum, but sure, they’re free from the evil stepmum.

If I were in your husbands position, I wouldn’t want to holiday with some but not all of my kids. I would probably decline to go

However I can also see it from your point of view and it sounds like you need a break, not just parenting 4 kids in another country whilst chucking the cost on a credit card which you’ll then need to work to repay as your husband can’t. I’d hold with your suggestion of he can come otherwise your going alone with your toddler. I find trips solo with my DD easier than with my partner even though I do all the parenting

This does not sound like an enjoyable, fun marriage that improves your life.

Your husband is incredibly selfish, forcing you to work 60 hours to fund his choice to have a large number of kids. Use the holiday to consider how he benefits your life.

You sound like you are doing lots for him and the kids OP. You deserve a break. I’d ditch the lot of them and go alone!

I haven’t been martyring myself, I’ve been adhering to my marital vows. But he hasn’t and I’ve had enough.

Absolutely madness to get into credit card debt for 2 extra flights/accommodation when you are strapped for cash already. Totally wipes out the point of a free holiday.

Your DH is taking the piss. He’s drowning in debt already but suggesting you get into more debt for this holiday? Feckless and irresponsible. He’s been “too depressed” to get a job for 18 months. Fuck that - he doesn’t have that luxury when he has a family to support. A single parent wouldn’t be wallowing in self pity, they would have no choice but to put food on the table. You need to put your foot down with him.

Do you get on with your Mum? I’d be inclined to go on the holiday with your Mum and toddler, have some thinking time and make some lovely memories. Your DH shouldn’t be pissing about going on holiday at all (not too depressed to go on an all-inclusive beach holiday though, eh? 🙄) his priority every day should be finding another job to shoulder his share of responsibilities. He can also do the childcare while you’re away as he’s got fk all else to do.

I think the holiday is the least of the issues here, I'm really sorry it's been so rough but maybe a break with your toddler would help you reset a bit.

If you can't afford something, you can't have it - your husband cannot afford to bring his kids on this holiday so it's kind of his choice whether he comes with you or stays home, but bringing 3 more children along isn't an option. It will be much, much more expensive - food and whatnot on top of the upgrades and flights.

I think you should just go with your wee one and enjoy the break or bring a friend or your mum or something. No reason to make things more complicated!

Given your updates, you have dragged this relationship on for too long. He is selfish and is really taking advantage of your generosity.

Sounds like this is the proverbial straw.

File for divorce. Huge sigh of relief. I really think all you will regret is that you didn’t split up before spending all your savings on servicing his lifestyle and his debt.

If he’s a dead weight who’s draining all of your resources, by all means…divorce him. But it’s not fair to blame this on the SC, nor is it fair to act like the hero for staying married to their father.

Yes I agree.
I was that child whose dad had a whole new life with another woman and we were just left behind. I think it would have been okay if we had a decent stepmother who wanted to include us, but like you she couldn’t be bothered so we didn’t go to things.
Im very rarely on the man’s side but in this case he is at least trying to include all of his children.

Reading your updates it sounds like you don't really like your DH or SC that much. Do you have a friend or sister or your Mum you could take with you instead and then just go with your toddler and have a break away from all of them? Give you chance to think about your future and if you really think you have one with this man/family?

In your first post you said he had been made redundant but had found work albeit in a lower paid job. Now you are saying he isn't working. Which is correct?

Either way sounds like the marriage is over so go on holiday with your DC and a friend or relative and sort out a divorce

I would go by myself with your toddler if I were you. You really sound like you need a proper break and having the evenings to yourself sitting on the balcony reading a book or watching a series with a glass of wine is probably exactly what you need. You also get the big bed all to yourself and you will have company from your toddler during the day so it's not going to be boring.

If you go with your h now he will only feel resentful that you didn't want his other kids there and he will ruin the mood most likely.

It sounds like you are about to reach a big decision, not being around you normal day to day life would help you make good and clear decisions. It's also really quite nice to travel on your own with your kids, regardless of their age, and they then get to spend uninterupted time with you.

I think you have chosen to marry a man with children. You cannot pick and choose which bits of that you like. I couldn't leave children out. But I also probably wouldn't marry a man with children because I think blended families are hard and I don't know I could do it.

Don’t listen to the scorned vipers on here. I think at the core- you’re intelligent enough to know what the problem is… its him, he’s baggage now and you don’t wanna carry him around. I would divorce but get a shit hot lawyer who can advise you about how to protect yourself, your money and your baby.

Fuck that, you sound like you need a break. Take your dc on their first beach holiday and enjoy some peace and quiet.

Do not put anything on your CC!!

Agreed.

And you're not helping anyone by enabling him. If he's unemployed presumably he's not paying proper child maintenance? If you leave, he'll have to step up to house himself. The problem you're creating is a two tier system between his two sets of children, which is much more traumatic for them than the material decrease in living standards that divorce will bring. The one who will be really stung by that is your 'D' H... amd he deserves it tbh.

you cannot afford to take 3 extra people, never mind the cost of the flights there are the additional costs - food / meals / spending money etc.

and their mother doesn't take them abroad - she probably can't afford it either.

does he not realise the true cost of taking 3 others with you ?

and the age difference between them all changes the dynamics of the holiday totally.

Lol at 'scorned vipers'... and then repeating the exact same advice.

Great advice.

Christ these responses are intense, people are acting like you are buying a new house and the step children will share a cupboard under the stairs as a bedroom.
You aren’t a horrible step mum, your DH is in the wrong here. You can’t afford to take them on the holiday, so they can’t come. They stay with their mum for the weekend, it’s not a huge deal.
Its also not like you don’t take them away on holiday ever.
There also sounds like there quite a big back story here, I you get it resolved Op.

I don't think she is blaming that on the SC at all, but she is working 60 hours a week to cover her husband's living expenses which includes his three kids. Right now she actually is the hero who is keeping everything and everyone afloat.

If you want to try and save the marriage then go with him and your toddler. Tell him this is make or break and the SC can't come. If he can't agree to that then you have your answer really and it's time to find a good lawyer! Mind you, that'll really give you a credit card bill.