Page 2 | AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

MeanOrJustified · 2025-03-12T09:18:53+00:00

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them. We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do. DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

ExtraOnions · 12/03/2025 09:36

whosaidtha · 12/03/2025 09:33

Oh. I see from your update it's not a money thing but that you hate your step kids. Please Leave your partner. Those kids do not deserve to be treated as an inconvenience.

Don’t be so intentionally dramatic … she doesn’t hate them.

I love my DD, but I also take holidays without her … doesn’t mean I hate her.

Drama Llama

sunisbetterthanrain · 12/03/2025 09:36

I would try to consider your long term relationship with those children and how it might be impacted if you don't take them, only you will really know the answer to this. Also your relationship with their father - you don't want this to be a lingering tense topic that crops up.
Do they go on holidays with their mother? Presumably yes. It's such a complex thing because I do believe that you are entitled to family time with your toddler whilst still making sure you spend time with your step children. They're old enough that you could sit them down and have a conversation about it explaining things. Putting things on a credit card seems mad, would that financial burden mean they lose out in other areas?
Good luck!

GwanwynArYFfordd · 12/03/2025 09:36

Leave DH and take a friend and their child.

MissUltraViolet · 12/03/2025 09:37

Saw your update, you should just leave.

You clearly don’t like your step children and as someone that went through that as a child, I promise you’re doing damage to those children. They will feel it, they know.

Original poster

MeanOrJustified · 12/03/2025 09:37

Diningtableornot · 12/03/2025 09:32

Take a friend or go just the 3 of you. Surely you don’t have to take all the children on every holiday? DH could take his children on a special short trip with activities they’d love, to make up for it.

He can’t afford to take them on a short break. I am working 60 hour weeks to keep us afloat and paying almost all of our household expenses.

So it’s fine that their own mum is allowed to holiday without them, just not their stepmum who desperately needs a break and to attempt to restore her marriage?

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Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 12/03/2025 09:38

I would look to change the holiday to something affordable you can all do together. Siblings very often don't get on all the time. You're sending a signal to your SC that they're not worth a holiday with their dad and you.

BIossomtoes · 12/03/2025 09:38

MissUltraViolet · 12/03/2025 09:30

Couldn’t you add them to this holiday and forget the ten days camping?

An all inclusive beach holiday sounds like it’d be less stressful and more fun for everyone than ten days in a tent…with these awful, badly behaved step children.

That’s what I’d do. Hopefully the money saved on the camping holiday will cover the extra flights.

MostlyHappyMummy · 12/03/2025 09:40

Sounds like the holiday is the least of your problems
does your husband pay maintenance from his wage or from your joint income?
why are you having to work 60 hours per week?

Codlingmoths · 12/03/2025 09:40

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 12/03/2025 09:38

I would look to change the holiday to something affordable you can all do together. Siblings very often don't get on all the time. You're sending a signal to your SC that they're not worth a holiday with their dad and you.

Their mum doesn’t take them on holidays, the op does. It’s sad for them their mum doesn’t but the op cannot compensate for it. I’d go without them, and give dh a deadline to say he’s coming or not. It sounds like you’re on the fence about him anyway!

Agix · 12/03/2025 09:41

MeanOrJustified · 12/03/2025 09:37

He can’t afford to take them on a short break. I am working 60 hour weeks to keep us afloat and paying almost all of our household expenses.

So it’s fine that their own mum is allowed to holiday without them, just not their stepmum who desperately needs a break and to attempt to restore her marriage?

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Of course it's not fine for their mother to be excluding them on holidays. It doesn't make it any better for you to do it just because she is.

Those poor kids. No one wants to treat them as an important part of their family to be considered... Well, except their dad, but you're preventing that.

Shame on you, and their mum.

MaltipooMama · 12/03/2025 09:43

If I was the dad in this scenario I couldn't leave three of my children behind, it would be the same as him going away with the older three and leaving the toddler, or maybe worse as the toddler won't have as much understanding of being left out as the older ones will. So really he should be saying he won't go if the other three aren't welcome too. I don't have step children so I guess I can't really comment but I wouldn't like to think that I would leave them behind if I were you, especially if they don't ever get to go on foreign holiday, I think that would be so sad for them

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2025 09:44

Hold firm. You’ve given him two fair options.

minnienono · 12/03/2025 09:44

Would the 12 year old help out with the toddler???

I personally would try to take them if the numbers could be worked out as this isn't something your dh can do for them, possibly ever in their childhood, the toddler wouldn't benefit much anyway.

If it's financially workable i would talk to them, explain that if you take them they will need to be well behaved including at home, no fighting and the elder two help with the younger two then ask do you want to go? They may not want to but it could be a catalyst for better behaviour

Original poster

MeanOrJustified · 12/03/2025 09:44

MostlyHappyMummy · 12/03/2025 09:40

Sounds like the holiday is the least of your problems
does your husband pay maintenance from his wage or from your joint income?
why are you having to work 60 hours per week?

From his wage, but as I pay the mortgage I’m subsidising it at the moment.

He lost his job and hasn’t found another which is comparable so we are under significant financial strain.

SC won’t go be going on holiday at all if we divorce.

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Icanttakethisanymore · 12/03/2025 09:45

MeanOrJustified · 12/03/2025 09:37

He can’t afford to take them on a short break. I am working 60 hour weeks to keep us afloat and paying almost all of our household expenses.

So it’s fine that their own mum is allowed to holiday without them, just not their stepmum who desperately needs a break and to attempt to restore her marriage?

Show quote history

It's shit that their mum doesn't want to take them on holiday but that wouldn't make it any better for their Dad to do the same. You sound at the end of your tether and it's not surprising because the situation sounds very difficult.

I would take the holiday without your DP and enjoy some down time with a friend and your toddler.

Another option - could anyone look after your toddler while you and your DP went away on your own? I don't think leaving his kids at home is an issue if it's a holiday for the two of you rather than a family holiday that they are not invited to.

Original poster

MeanOrJustified · 12/03/2025 09:46

MaltipooMama · 12/03/2025 09:43

If I was the dad in this scenario I couldn't leave three of my children behind, it would be the same as him going away with the older three and leaving the toddler, or maybe worse as the toddler won't have as much understanding of being left out as the older ones will. So really he should be saying he won't go if the other three aren't welcome too. I don't have step children so I guess I can't really comment but I wouldn't like to think that I would leave them behind if I were you, especially if they don't ever get to go on foreign holiday, I think that would be so sad for them

He’s gone away with SC and not the toddler a few times in the past, to do things they’d enjoy which aren’t easy with a toddler like theme parks. In fact, last year we both went camping with SC and left toddler with my parents.

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Original poster

MeanOrJustified · 12/03/2025 09:48

Icanttakethisanymore · 12/03/2025 09:45

It's shit that their mum doesn't want to take them on holiday but that wouldn't make it any better for their Dad to do the same. You sound at the end of your tether and it's not surprising because the situation sounds very difficult.

I would take the holiday without your DP and enjoy some down time with a friend and your toddler.

Another option - could anyone look after your toddler while you and your DP went away on your own? I don't think leaving his kids at home is an issue if it's a holiday for the two of you rather than a family holiday that they are not invited to.

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I want my toddler there for her first beach holiday. I want my husband there to attempt to rebuild our connection as a couple. If he’s not committed to the two of us, why am I breaking my back to pay for him and his three? I’d be better off divorcing.

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Holdonforsummer · 12/03/2025 09:49

I think deep down you know the answer here - take them. Otherwise surely you can understand resentment starting to build (if it hasn’t already). I feel so sorry for some step-children.

Arcone · 12/03/2025 09:49

what would you do if they were your children? You shouldn’t have had a child with someone if you weren’t prepared to accept their family.

Pinkelephant66 · 12/03/2025 09:50

witheringrowan · 12/03/2025 09:23

Don't have children with men that already have children if you aren't prepared to treat those kids as part of your family.

100%
so many people moan about their step kids, but they knew what they were getting in to when they decided to have their own children!

the older children will feel resentment and it’s not fair on them

RareMaker · 12/03/2025 09:50

Yabu but you already know that.

SemperIdem · 12/03/2025 09:50

He is in no position to dictate to you, considering the financial situation you have described.

Original poster

MeanOrJustified · 12/03/2025 09:51

I’d honestly rather not go than go with SC.

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Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 12/03/2025 09:51

MeanOrJustified · 12/03/2025 09:46

He’s gone away with SC and not the toddler a few times in the past, to do things they’d enjoy which aren’t easy with a toddler like theme parks. In fact, last year we both went camping with SC and left toddler with my parents.

Show quote history

I’d be asking DH to provide a detailed breakdown of why it is fine to go on a trip geared towards the older kids but not fine to take a trip geared towards yourselves and toddler, in that case.
Make him explain himself. He will either hear it out loud and realise he’s being unfair or dig in and you know not to bother taking him on the holiday at all.

Elektra1 · 12/03/2025 09:53

witheringrowan · 12/03/2025 09:23

Don't have children with men that already have children if you aren't prepared to treat those kids as part of your family.

^^ this.

This isn't about cost because if the other 3 kids were also yours, there is no way you'd be leaving them behind and just taking the toddler. If you want the SC to feel second best and unloved, go on the holiday without them. If you want them to feel like they're just as much a part of their dad's family as his new child is, you take them.