AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Very clearly that is not what she asked. This is what she said:
Why would someone show children who are not theirs the same amount of affection as her own child
Why are you making things up to be outraged over?

OP get yourself on that holiday with your DD.
Definitely no SC because as you have pointed out - it's not affordable without going into further debt.
By the way, taking the SC camping won't be happening either this year if DH doesn't get his act together. You are already paying for everything else.
It might be time to sit down and sort yours and his finances. If he is drowning in debt - let him sit down with Stepchange and work out deals with his creditors. There is absolutely no reason for your creditworthiness to be ruined because he can't or won't sort out his depression/MH and get working properly to bring in a liveable wage. Living in the real world might actually the kick in the pants that he needs.
If you do split - his situation will be a lot worse because you won't be there picking up the tab for everything. I feel for you - life ain't good for you right now. But it will get better. Good luck.

OP, you have hard a lot of harsh and judgemental comments on here but I wonder if I might say something that will add a bit of balance.

I was divorced with 2 children. My ex-husband remarried, had a family, and never ever took my children away on holiday despite going away with his new wife and family. The result of this might come as a surprise to the criticisers on here as there was no resentment (from me or my children) they grew up happy and well balanced, didn’t feel short-changed, still loved their dad, and kept a good relationship with their step-mum and siblings.

You haven’t said anything on here that indicates that you are depriving the step children in any way. There is everything to indicate that you and your little family will benefit. I don’t see any reason why you should financially suffer to add extra people when their own biological parents let them down. That isn’t your responsibility. The step children will not suffer because you go away on holiday with your husband and child.

Your comprehensions is way off.. pp said.

Why would someone show children who are not theirs the same amount of affection as her own child?? they also referenced a step child relationship of being like that of a niece.

and you replied:

Are you seriously asking why someone one would love a child that isn't biologically theirs???

You've done the typical tedious mumsnet thing of taking something someone has said and 'reversed' it so you can be outraged at your own incorrect assumption, I assume you are also treading into adoption territory here too which is nothing to do with 'step children' with two existing parents so completely irrelevant.

Someone saying they wouldn't show a stepchild the same amount of affection, doesn't mean that they are incapable of having love for them, or creating a nice home for them or welcoming them whole heartedly and being nothing but kind.

Step parents aren't required to love their step children in the same way as they would their own children, they haven't raised them, they often aren't allowed to 'parent' them (fair enough, as they have their own parents for that) and they can be whizzed out of their life in the blink of an eye, never to be seen again. The niece analogy is perfect, you love them but don't feel about them the same way you do your own children and you shouldn't be expected to.

Treating them as if they were your own kids is the gold standard, loving them like your own kids doesn't come into that.

Again: who is going to pay the extra money required to extend this holiday?

YANBU. Tell your husband the choice is that he goes with you and your child or he stays at home with his other children.

But only go with him if he's prepared to have a chat about how you proceed together as a couple of that's what you want.

To be honest I suggest you go with your child together and leave him behind because if you go with him you may argue and it'll be no holiday at all. Can you go with your mum, if you want adult company?

Good luck whatever you decide and congratulations on your win.

Mum of blended family here - I think you won it not deliberately organised it to exclude them, and it would cost you money you don’t have (which is what credit is) to add on the other kids. You already have a (cheap and cheerful) family holiday booked. Plus you’re in emotional dire straits with the DH. I think in these circumstances it’s fine to go without them. Hopefully he can get into a better financial position so that you can all afford a family holiday away another time.

And that’s great - in my case we have 50:50 custody and we are family not visitors. I totally acknowledge that in your circumstances you wouldn’t love them as your own because you aren’t raising them as your own. Some people are and so it will feel different.

@MeanOrJustified I know you don’t need my permission but it’s really OK to stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

You’ve done enough. Another divorce means more suffering for sure, but everyone’s suffering anyway. At this rate, all you’ll achieve is burnout and you have your little DD to think about as you can’t rely on H. Even if reasons you cannot rely on him are not of his own making (MH, job situation, bad first marriage/divorce), this is still putting an entirely disproportionate burden on you.

This is heartbreaking though ❤️

@MeanOrJustified Go just you and your DC. You sound absolutely burnt out and need to recharge. The reality is that you cannot afford to bring the step children, but also your DH cannot afford to go either, he should be using the time to job hunt and get back on his feet financially. I think you know this marriage is over, take this break and enjoy your time with DC and spend the evenings just reading, relaxing or just sitting doing absolutely nothing. If you keep on as you are you will destroy your health and risk your job. Then you and DC will be completely ruined.

OP - you sound like you’re being beaten down and drained absolutely dry by your circumstances. You’re being treated as if you’re a cash cow for your husband and his children, and it is within your power to say no. You may love your husband and want to save your marriage, but he’s demonstrating zero respect for you, or drive to improve your situation (why would he? You’re the one doing all the work while he’s getting to coast). You’re not in a team here, you’re being left to carry the burden of four dependents. This isn’t your burden to carry, and you’re doing a disservice to yourself and your own child by accepting it.

He and his children are not your responsibility, and no, you didn’t ’sign up’ for them to be. They aren’t your children and you don’t need to act as if they are any more than you need to act like your in laws are your parents. It’s also better to get out now while it is a short marriage.

I still don't agree that a stepmum needs to feel any pressure to love her stepchildren as her "own" regardless of how much she sees them.

My dsc are family. I love them. I just don't love them as much as my own children, but to some people that makes me the devil incarnate.

I thought this was completely normal.

I love my DC more and I believe my SC love their Mum more than me. We are still family though

Op people change just rarely the way you want them to.

You won a trip. You decide who shares in the winnings. You.

it’s clear to me you do not want to and I agree bringing the sc is not financially feasible nor desirable. You don’t want or need a family vacation but actually a rest and recharge vacation with your dd and dh. Take them and only them on those terms.

you and dd need time away from siblings. If you are working 50-60 hrs you have had very little time with her and she will love the beach my DS played for 12 hours on a beach as a toddler. I sat in a chair and watched him loving every minute of it. Sand is fascinating to toddlers

do not put trip on credit card. Of course DH wants to include his dc yet another thing he can’t provide or afford and has no intention of paying for either now or in the drastically inflated future price due to interest charges You stop him spending your money. I know the mn mantra of shares assets but it doesn’t apply here to this prize winning trip

i disagree with the idea every child step or not to be included in everything. As an adult you can decide to make an exception.

you sound quite generous to me with your time money and energy and DH seems to be foot dragging in recognizing this.

if DH chooses not to go with you and your (shared) dc fine. Go with someone else…mom or friend or even casual acquaintance with child of similar age…. And then use time to think about how your future will look.

lastly no one is going back to work or working harder to earn more money as long as they have you op to do it all

Tell DP to not take on the extra debt for taking his kids. W just a baby you can travel during term anyway when it’s less busy.

Tell his kids next time you win a holiday, they can go.

Spending extra money …. It’s no longer a free holiday and you are unpaid babysitter!!!!

" yes you care for and LOVE them both". Ignoring the bits that don't suit your narrative. The comparison between a daughter and a niece was a perfect example of what I meant and was pretty clear. Also you said the word " biologically" I didn't. So if you are trying to put words in my mouth about adopted children try harder. In most cases step children have two parents to love them as parents should and have step parents to love them as well , just not in the same way.

It’s really difficult because tbh you can’t actually afford to pay the extra to take the kids. I’m a fiend for chucking stuff on a card so I’m not judging you but since your husband is already in debt and you are the one bailing him out you will just be adding to more debt and I don’t think that’s fair. I also get wanting to have a chill holiday and experience babies first beach holiday together. On the other hand I feel bad that the kids seem to fall through the crack a bit when it comes to abroad holidays. I’m going to be totally honest I think you are shouldering a lot of the pressure here and while you signed up to marry a man with 3 kids you didn’t sign up to fully support a family of 6 (at least when the sc’s are with you). You have a husband issue here, you’re burnt out and exhausted. Would you really feel this strongly if you weren’t really looking forward to your only chance to properly recover in/for ages? I’ve been burnt out (not cuz of this reason) and I can feel the weight you must feel of something that you desperately need actually turning into more work and stress. I really don’t even see the kids in this I just think you need a break and for your husband to start pulling his weight.

As often seems to be the case these days the AIBU is the cherry on the cake. OP I would go on the holiday alone with DD, shed this useless hanger-on of a husband, and enjoy the rest of your life.

@MeanOrJustified This thread is about to hit 1000 posts and automatically lock, but please feel free to start another if you need support while getting rid of this husband-turned-cocklodger. I think you’re right that nothing else is going to give him the boot up the arse to get back to proper work instead of sponging off of you. Good luck. 💐

I didn't need to put any words into your mouth. You said them all on your own.
The fact you think I have a narrative in this explains a lot.

Or how about the lazy fecker of a dad arrange to do something with his sons.
why in God’s name is the OP even expected to organise a boys trip?

This. Not only is her DH sponging off her, but he’s about to teach his kids that it’s OK for them to do the same thing - not to mention getting her into debt to do it. There is no reason in the world that SC should go on this holiday. Lots of posters pointing out that they are half siblings to DD. I agree. But does ex wife take the half sibling DD on holiday with her ? Of course she doesn’t, because she doesn’t even take her own kids. But apparently this is fine with some posters, as long as OP picks up the slack - and the tab. It’s batshit.

I can't decide which is more batshit

Scolding the OP for even entering a holiday competition because the prize wasn't for 6 people (are such prizes even a thing, I've only seen "for 2" or "for 4")?

Suggesting the OP give the entire holiday prize to the cocklodging man and the 3 SC, leaving the OP as the actual winner and the toddler at home (what happened to "allllll the children must be treated identically)?

Agree. DH isn’t proposing to take on the extra debt this will incur. He’s unemployed, and he’s expecting OP to take on the debt on her credit card. According to lots of posters it’s absolutely fine for the ex to park her kids on OP and DH and go on holiday with her new family alone, but not for OP to want time away to get some peace, bond with her DD, and try to sort her marriage out.

I’m a step mum too, and just dropping in to say I hope you do indeed get to go on your holiday with DD and have a lovely time ☺️