AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

[Weddingadviceplease]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

• she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs

• Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.

• She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?

• Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

Nothing in your post suggests you'd actually like to go. Too many down sides. I would decline

I think that if people want their weddings to be week long events in remote areas, they are going to have to accept that many people just wont be able to attend. I'm all for having your day (your DAY) the way you want it, but I think it's unreasonable to expect to people to spend a week and thousands of pounds 'celebrating your choices'

So in your shoes, I would be politely declining and offering to take her out for a lovely meal to celebrate another time

It's her wedding in her country. You can still say that on further reflection and costing up the event you won't be able to attend or be MOH but you hope she has a lovely day.

Don't go.

You are not the only guest.
The couple presumably have organised their wedding around their preferences - and that may also suit a lot of the other people attending.
I can understand it results in a huge amount of effort and expense from you - but you can chose not to go. Don't choose to go - and then moan about what you have to do to get there.

At most, go as a guest. I'm not English, but aren't MOH duties quite full on? You say she hasnt asked much off you, but a 5 day wedding will mean a certain amount of running around after her. This is going to be an utter expensive pain in the backside for you.

Everyone can do as they wish for their wedding and you have a choice to go or not depending on all the factors. Different countries with also have different norms when it comes to weddings. There might be other reasons why she has had to arrange it at a high peak travel time or on a specific date.

You don't sound like you want to go so don't go. For me I would weigh up the costs against not going. Is the friendship one I want to lose or in 10 years time will it be something you both laugh about?

For what it's worth, I camped for a wedding in the UK (lockdown wedding and only available accommodation that wasn't miles away). A few of us did and it was great. One couple hired a campervan.

Honestly, I wouldn't go. If you only know the bride and don't have a plus one ... who are you going to hang out with? It's arranged, presumably, for the convenience of her and her friends in that country. If you were doing it as part of a holiday in that country great...

I'd say huge congratulations but politely decline.

You both don't sound like best friends or even friends. It's like you don't know each other

Why don't you ask her if you can stay with them before the wedding, due to cost? I'd have to decline if it was costing me that much and there was no wiggle room at all for accommodation. It definitely seems a bit thoughtless to not consider you'll be coming from another country and footing the entire bill by yourself. Someone else's wedding shouldn't bankrupt you!

Just don't go and tell her why.

I would say that I was having difficulty getting the tone off work and that you can’t afford it.
I honestly just wouldn’t go.

Just go for a day or two for the actual wedding, don’t do the week

I just wouldn’t go. Message her and say you’ve been adding up the costs with it being peak season and the travel and the camping, or needing an air bnb, car rental etc. and it’s all very overwhelming and expensive. This, coupled with the fact it’s your big birthday at the same time is leaning you towards not going. You would have loved to be there but there are just far too many factors, most of which are especially expensive at the time she has chosen.

Then you can see if she mentions that she realised it was your birthday. Anyone who cares would be understanding. It’s a lot to ask of anyone, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love her just because you can’t throw endless money to be at her wedding.

It’s really heartbreaking when you realise you’re not as close as you thought you were. She is your best friend but you are not hers. Once you accept that and come to terms with it you’ll find it much easier to let her actions not affect you as much. I would decline her wedding invite and maid of honour.
She can’t even be bothered to visit you in your home country when she’s actually in the country! She doesn’t value you or your friendship at all

Don't go.
You might think she is your best friend but she is not your best friend.

You can't expect her to time her wedding in her country around flight prices or one of her guest's birthdays. Whenever she planned it would fall on someone's birthday, I imagine.

YANBU to think a week is too much of a commitment and to decline being MOH on that basis. Indeed the overall cost is a good enough reason to decline, and likely won't come as a surprise to her. I also wouldn't dream of camping, but a lot of weirdos people do like camping and do consider it an acceptable option, even for weddings.

She's not been unreasonable in any way but you wouldn't be unreasonable to decline. Sometimes plans just don't mesh and that's OK, it doesn't mean your friendship is any less.

Yanbu.

Best friends would definitely mention a big birthday before booking. Again, like you say, not to mean they can’t book it but to acknowledge it may mean you can’t be there which she’d surely want if you’re best friends.

No suitable accommodation and no offer to share with her family? Does she really think you’re going to camp on your own in some random place abroad? I know zero women who would do that.

It sounds like your friendship maybe a bit one sided. Why hasn’t she visited you recently and why have you made 4-5 visits to her?

I would push on the accommodation. Ask her if she has anyone you can stay with as camping isn’t an option.

Can you ask her if there are other friends looking for nearby airbnbs that you could perhaps share with? Surely all of the guests are in the same position as you regarding accommodation. Also, is there someone you could hire a car with or get lifts with? Presumably not every guest needs separate transport?

If I have this right you are still friends because you have travelled to her country to see her, since she failed to meet with you when she was here?

I would say delighted as you are that she is getting married you will now need to decline as MOH / coming as the peak season and other arrangements take it beyond your budget. All with full ‘it sounds truly amazing your friends and family will love it’ so that it doesn’t feel like passive aggressive pressure to pay for you fare or something. Maybe also say ‘tricky as friends / family are also making arrangements for my birthday, always tricky juggling dates’.

Don’t think twice about this. She has not put as much into keeping this friendship as you have, I’m sure she’d love you to be there but once again the cost and time is all on you.

To be honest I wouldn't go, even if I could afford it there are other things I would rather spend thousands of pounds on. Will you know anyone else at the wedding? Does she know how difficult it will be for you and how much you will have to give up?
I think you are being very good still attending and I don't blame you at all for being quietly annoyed and upset about how thoughtless your friend is, although from what you have said it does sound like unusual behaviour from her.

I've said YABU. She is entitled to have the wedding she wants. Whether you go or not is up to you, but she shouldn't be watering down or altering her plans to appease you.

She doesn't sound like a good friend. You are convenient when you go to her. Honestly I think you need to decline. It's too expensive and inconvenient and no consideration of you whatsoever. Perhaps you could overlook one of these things but not all three.

In what way is she one of your closest friends?

Are you really sure you are hers?

If she’s that good a friend she’ll understand it’s all too much for you. If she doesn’t understand then she’s not a good friend. It’s ok for her to be disappointed. It’s daft to spend 1000s on someone else’s day

Was talking to a young girl only yesterday, about the expectation people now have when gets married.. it's got all too much .. and what you have wrote I wouldn't be going .. do you think she has made you MOH so you couldn't say no? I'd be making an excuse ..but your friendship would no doubt end .. and giving that when she was in country she didn't even bother to see you .. is it really a loss