AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

[Weddingadviceplease]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

• she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs

• Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.

• She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?

• Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

Personally I still wouldn't be going , your going to have to update us when your there OP .. I think your going to be disappointed If I'm honestly X

I honestly don't remember the dates of my friends birthdays. You don't have to go if you don't want to.

The fact she cane to the UK and didn't visit doesn't mean she didn't value you friendship. I live abroad and visited the UK last month and didn't go and see my mum as I went for a she fic reason and I wasn't close enough to visit. That doesn't mean I didn't want to see her !

If you don't want to go to the wedding just say !

All of this.

You understand that you're not nearly as close a friend of hers as she is of yours, right?

I think the bride can plan her day however she wants. But honestly, if I was inviting my MOH from abroad, I would certainly have arranged their accommodation for them either with family or at the venue. I find that a bit weird getting the MOH to fend for themselves. Other guests maybe but not one of the wedding party. That does strike me as strange.

It's very strange to be so uncaring/thoughtless about the welfare /convenience/ comfort of someone you have asked to be your maid of honour.

And those saying 'she may be your best friend, but you are not her's', I understand your thought process but why did she ask OP to be maid of honour? Surely her 'real' best friend would be 'WTF?'

OP - you don't mention where the bride is staying?
I would expect there is on site accommodation at the wedding venue - usually MOH would stay there too as busy and needs to be on hand during the wedding.
If she and family are staying on site or nearby and you not included what does that tell you? She suggested a campsite for some a ting as MOH who is travelling from abroad and possibly on her own :(

With kindness, it seems you are going to be a MOH by title only if she hasn't included you in any planning etc, so I wouldn't assume you are going to be playing an integral part in the wedding to be honest.

I almost feel like you are going to spend all this money and end up disappointed if you go purely for this wedding, B&G will be very busy with their family and bride may not have much time to spend with you individually, so in your shoes, as you are committed to going, I would 100% turn it into a "birthday holiday" and go all out on that, move around different locations that you want to see, prioritise things you and your friend want to do while you are there and spend minimal time focusing on the wedding, you could have a fantastic time doing what you like, spend time with them as a wedding guest when you want to and when you are required, then have a birthday celebration with family at home when you get get back!

I normally try to avoid hiding behind excuses but just this once, I would either say you don't have the leave or someone is throwing a party/taking you away for you birthday.

Your friendship is one sided
It's all you making the effort
You have only seen her when you went to her country
She came to your country and didn't see you , despite the fact she had arranged to see you .
Go to the wedding spend how ever many thousands on it
But it won't make her put any more effort in the friendship
She has shown you who she is
Your flogging a dead horse expecting an effort on her part .
Do you really think she would spend all that money coming to your wedding

I said YABU because it's her wedding, in her country, and she's perfectly within her rights to do it her way and not build it around the wants and needs of a bridesmaid from the other side of the globe, who she has drifted away from in the last few years anyway.

I know the IDEA of going probably sounded like great fun, but now that you've actually added it all up, I think it's perfectly fine to say that actually you can't go.

A drifted/returned friend invited me to her wedding a few years ago, in a very very expensive location when we were a 12 hour journey away with expensive peak flights, and while I initially and joyfully accepted the invitation, I eventually had to decline when the several thousand pound price tag became apparent. Sadly, she hasn't spoken to me since though, which is something you need to accept if that's the outcome her.

But I still wouldn't go in your shoes!

I don't really get what you're asking, sorry.

I wouldn't be going because its just a massive pain in the arse that isn't worth thousands of pounds or weeks of my time. It seems to be worth it for you.

Are you trying to rationalise your decision to be... what? Pissed off? Hurt? Sad?

Yeah, she's thoughtless but you dont seem to care ebough to draw a boundary so just let it go and have fun.

I bet there is accommodation at the venue. Have you looked it up?

Kindly, I’m not sure you are the MOH really or you would have been included in some : more / any of the planning. I suspect as others say that when you get there MOH will = dogsbody.

and paying for your own dress on top of everything else is outrageous!

Save your money and have your birthday at home with your real friends and own family.

This friend does not care about you, sorry.

Don't go.

Stay and home and plan an awesome celebration for your birthday.
There is zero point in you going and by the sounds of things I bet you get zero time with your friend anyway - she is going to be very busy with her very big expensive wedding.

We very much planned our wedding around what would work for our friends (in our case 2 hours from where we and most people lived, not another country) so everyone could come.

I agree with PPs though that she's in her rights not to plan it with your needs in mind seeing as it's her country.

It doesn't sound like you're all that 'close' to me, so her asking you to be MOH is a bit odd, but agree with others you'll have to say 'I'm sorry, I'd love to come but looking at the options it's just too expensive for me right now', and if she's going to be petty about it, maybe you'll never speak to her again, but it doesn't sound like it'll be a great loss.

1000% don't go. it sounds like a shit event from your perspective. if she is truly your friend she will understand.

You can’t expect her to arrange her wedding around your circumstances, you’re not the only guest. BUT you are in no obligation to go, and I would expect her to be understanding if you choose not to.

She can do whatever she wants for her wedding, but, in your shoes, I’d not go. It sounds like she’s only playing lip service to your friendship. Indeed, she might even have asked you to be MOH assuming you’d decline, but then feeling she’d done her friendship duty.

Stay home, send her best wishes, and enjoy your birthday instead.

No way would I spend the time, money and effort, even if it were my sister.

I would never pay thousands of pounds to attend a friends wedding.

Just say you can't afford it.

This woman is not your friend and you are not hers....

I was MOH twice last year and both times the wedding accom was family only. Luckily I’m a big girl so I managed to book accommodation nearby!

When the brides told me the on-site accom was family only I just went ahead and sorted out my own as I didn’t want to add to their burden of organising. I’m sure if I phoned them whinging about the price they would have suggested cheaper alternatives, and I suspect that’s what’s happened here with the camping idea. It also sounds like the OP is the only bridesmaid, so there probably isn’t a whole “wedding party” who need to be lifted and laid. It sounds like the vride has just invited her friend, and assumed she could manage booking an Airbnb nearby.

I find the OP’s complaints about the lack of suitable accommodation a little hard to believe as well, since the bride has chosen to get married at a wedding venue, where other people have presumably managed to host weddings for reasonable guests!

Ive tagged you @CantStopMoving as I started off replying about the MOH accom but I realise I’ve gone off on a tangent so please don’t think this is all aimed at you! I’m just following on from your point.

There's no one I like enough to go through this for. Just decline.

Weddings cost a fortune yes, but not for the guests!!

Your "friend" is a massive CF and you sound a bit naive OP.

This relationship is all one sided. You'd be mad to go to all that trouble and expense for this person.

It would be a no form me. I wouldn’t be going to any wedding that would cost me thousands of pounds. Ridiculous idea