AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

[Weddingadviceplease]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

• she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs

• Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.

• She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?

• Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

I would send a pleasant, polite message saying that in view of your big birthday and the difficulties of accommodation, travel ext you have had to reconsider and regrettably will not be able to attend the wedding. Say that you are sorry to be changing your mind but unfortunately you first accepted without properly considering the travel aspects and expense. I would stress extra expenses you've had recently my earning you have had to regrettably change your plans. You could choose to just say about the expense and difficulties of travel if you think that is better. You could say that unknown to you your friends/family have booked a birthday few days away as a birthday surprise and you have just found out.
There isn't really any need for you to feel guilty about cancelling. She doesn't seem to have given you much thought when she was over here and the travel and accommodation issues seem a very expensive nightmare. You are probably feeling a bit bad about cancelling because you initially accepted being MOH but it is very easy to get carried away when first told of an invitation that you would love in theory but in reality is hardly feasible.
You've given lots of reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea for you. I wouldn't consider such a journey and massive expense without even a plus one. Who will you know? What will you do with yourself when she is busy with all her other guests? And all while you could be celebrating a big birthday yourself at home.
If you really, in retrospect, don't want to go don't put yourself through it. Be polite but firm. Have unarguable reasons at the ready. No one can argue with you saying that, after careful consideration you don't have the money for such a trip. No one can argue with you not letting your own friends at home down when they (hypothetically) have booked and paid for the same time away with you. How gould you know that in advance 😁🤔

Do you have thousands of pounds to spunk away on this OP?

Look, she doesn't even give a toss where you sleep. Tell her that it's way out of your budget and you don't really want to sleep on the ground in a.tent so you'll have to bow out of her week. But you would be thrilled to see her next time she's over for a celebration.

But she has asked her to be MoH usually you tell people about the arrangements and check they are ok with them before you invite them to be MoH.
I's very unfair to ask someone to do that and then afterwards explain that actually the wedding is going to last a week in a remote place and will take place at the most expensive time of the year so it will cost you thousands of pounds to attend!
I think it sounds like a very one sided friendship with all the running being done by OP

Just decline the invitation saying the travel and logistics are going to be too difficult to manage and leave it at that. It’s really not worthy of this level of emotional investment or feeling it as a personal slight. You can’t please every guest, particularly not when you and your family live and are having your wedding in a different country to where some of them live.

It really doesn’t sound as though you’re the closest friends, and with the distance involved it’s probably best to concentrate on friendships where you actually live and just be pleased to see this friend every now and again when it’s convenient for you both.

I don't really see how she has been thoughtless.

She's getting married in her country where presumably all her family and virtually all her friends live.

It'll cost you money to attend a wedding in another country, that's just the way it is. I'd be very surprised if she'd chosen the date deliberately to have expensive flights and accommodation - certainly when I was looking at venues it was very much here are the dates we have left pick one.

Expecting her to invite you to stay with her for the wedding is insane.

It sounds like you can't really afford it.

Does she earn a lot more money than you/come from a wealthy background?

Also, in some other cultures weddings do last that long. My DS was invited to a friend's wedding in Dubai which was a whole week of events.

Would hiring a camper van be an option?

Why on earth would you go to this wedding OP? She was supposed to visit you, then cancelled and finally went to the UK anyway but not to see you. She has probably treated her friends like shit so she needs you as her bridesmaid but she doesn't give a shit if you sleep in a tent. Spend thousands of euros on someone who doesn't really care about you, now why would you do that OP? Tell her your financial situation is making it impossible to be there but that you wish her the best.

Oh ffs. OP is being a mug is she goes. Her friend is not a real friend.

Don't be room meat.

This wedding isn't your celebration and you don't have to go, you've already mentioned several reasons why it's not really working for you.

Topped off by the fact she didn't make plans to see you when visiting your country.

Bow out now and enjoy your birthday 🎈

Nothing you have posted is a positive to you just decline now and she can get somebody else to be her bridesmaid, I don't know what you expect from your thread do you want people to say she's a terrible selfish person or something?

I don’t understand why she asked you to be her MOH when you don’t really seem to be such good friends, at least not any more??

I’d just say it’s too expensive and anyway you’ll be celebrating your big birthday with family and friends so can’t make that date.

I think this wedding is sounding great for the bride but their expectations of guests paying vast amounts for the privilege of seeing them wed is unfair.

Over a weeks annual leave, costly, remote need to sort out hire car, accommodation, pay for events during the week. Crikes.

I'd be saying big apologies but I can't do this.

Its a 4-5 x per year friendship which is heavily weighted towards you maintaining it (Only you visit her).

I would just reply that you cannot justify the cost for this and you will send her a wedding gift. Maybe when its all over your 'friend' and her husband can come and visit you so you can spoil them.

I bet you never hear from them again.

I would not go. You can politely decline. Noone can expect another person to spend thousands on a wedding trip.

@Lottapianos sums it up for me, @Weddingadviceplease - I would not go.

Will you know any of the other guests going? It might be a lot of money to spend to be bored....I think I would decline gracefully.

Could you hire a campervan given you need transport and accommodation?

But if it is unfeasible for you then you will have to say so. Sometimes we just can't make the logistics work and she doesn't seem to be factoring you in. Which again is fine but she can't then be surprised if you can't manage.

Decide soon as the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

From what you say about how the relationship has deteriorated since you came back to the UK I don’t think you are going to lose sleep if you say that considering all the logistics involved you won’t be able to get to the wedding, but wish her every joy on the day and in the future and look forward to meeting up with her and her new husband if they visit her UK.

Then start planning your birthday celebration.

Be careful - my DH paid flights and hotel to go all the way to Australia to be best man. They then made him pay for his suit!

The whole thing sounds bloody ridiculous from your point of view. I hate to say this but it doesn't really sound as though you are that close either. You've only known her for a few years, you don't see each other regularly and she let you down big time on your birthday when she was in the UK. Is she really your best friend? I'm surprised she asked you to be MOH to be honest. Her life is changing and she lives in a different country so quite frankly I'd just decline, wish her well and go your separate ways.

I would politely decline on the grounds of expense OP. If people arrange weddings in expense remote locations they will expect many guests to decline.
I'd send a lovely wedding gift and FaceTime on the morning of the wedding

Ps I think the MOH invitation is a stealth boast to other friends

“ my friend @Weddingadviceplease thinks so much of me she is willing to travel to my wedding, spend thousands of pounds and live on a remote campsite with strangers for a week just for the privilege of being my MOH ”

I wouldn’t bother going. It sounds like it’s going to be a huge expense, possibly quite lonely for you (that’s assuming you won’t really know many people besides the bride but I might be wrong there) and at a time you want to be with your family.
perfectly fine to say that having looked into it, and with it being so remote and peak season, it’s simply going to be out of your budget.

I don't get the point of spending thousands on one's own wedding, much less someone else's. There is a huge cost of living crisis going on and expectations here seem really unrealistic and tone deaf.

can you not stay at your friends house while there? or at least half the time? if the event is in remote area and over multiple days are people driving there daily?
i assume there will other people in the wedding party who can give you lifts as you'd be expected to arrive at the same time? can you stay at her parents? will there be other people from abroad coming who you can share an airbnb with?

Usually with abroad weddings people buddy up to make it a bit easier, or book to stay in the same apartment complex and book taxis together etc.

i does see onerous but being MOH usually is and for someone i was close with in their home country i would imagine they would be involved in the logistics of where i was staying and doing the back and forth.

she's your friend, face time her and have a proper conversation about it.