AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

[Weddingadviceplease]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

• she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs

• Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.

• She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?

• Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

You are mad if you go to this wedding. She didn't even come to see you when she was in the UK! You are holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore

Send apologies now, just be truthful, it's too expensive

Yep I totally agree as well. I don’t always tell friends when I visit my home country if I know I’ll be busy with family things, and vice versa. They all understand that I would love to see them but I have other commitments.

I also know roughly when my friends’ birthdays are but it certainly wouldn’t be a factor when planning a wedding!

The OP sounds very immature.

She can't even be arsed to visit you when she comes to your country, and you are considering spending thousands ate ding her wedding and spending your birthday celebrating her wedding??

No. Just decline.

Thousands of pounds?? Saving up for a year?? Camping??? All in a country you feel wary in. I wouldn't go.

@Weddingadviceplease

I think you have to take her and the wedding as they come, or choose to not take them at all.

You are her friend but she isn't that close to you. The MOH is neither here nor there. You are a friend and a guest at her wedding but really, if you weren't there, it probably wouldn't change that much for her.

The reason you are feeling a bit down about it is because you feel sad that she didn't put in extra effort to acknowledge what it takes for you to do this. Not because you need it, but because it would symbolise what the friendship means to you.

If she had taken into account your birthday and offered you a place to stay then you might be feeling happy about the whole thing, but because it's one thing after the other, talk of "tents" and such like, you are realising that actually you are just someone who used to be good friends.

If you want to go, then go and be happy for her, but don't go feeling disgruntled or sad and you are wise not to ever mention anything to her because that would be really embarrassing .

Since OP has been asked to be MoH then the friend clearly wants her there but no-one should be expected to fork out hundreds let alone thousands for someone's blessed wedding!
Couples read about the elaborate and lengthy wedding celebrations that celebrities like the Clooneys have and then fancy their own versions. But those celebs will most likely have paid for everything for everyone!

Politely decline saying you accepted without realising when and where the wedding would be held and that it unfortunately clashes with your birthday celebrations. Apologize for not being her Maid of Honour, hoping you have given her enough notice to find someone else to carry out those duties. Tell her that the next time she and her husband visit the UK, you would very much like to take them out to celebrate their marriage.

Could she be using you as she has no capable sensible solvent friends she can get to run after her and sort her shit out?

She didn't visit you in the uk? She only usually sees you when it suits her in her country? Wow.

As others have said, a carefully worded phone call or message explaining the reasons (birthday 'surprise party' / cash / no camping gear /cost or whatever), a promise to take her and her new husband out when she's next in the uk to celebrate would be good.

If you go it'll need to be for a good long while or you'll miss the bachelorette. If you're even invited to that....

I think you're being used here, as a highly capable, reliable and solvent contributor to proceedings. I'd gracefully decline.

Don’t go OP. You like this woman very much and she likes you but she’s not your best friend. Weddings are often thoughtlessly planned but this is too much to expect of you without her offering anything in return.

I think she’s using you. I do t think she has many friends and is saving face by asking her “oldest friend”. She not your best mate if she didn’t come to see you when in the uk and hasn’t made an effort to visit.

The best weddings I’ve been to have been thoughtful to the guests. They’ve been in venues with plenty of accommodation on site or very nearby, they’ve supplied transportation from ceremony to venue and minibuses to taxi people at the end of the evening. She is of course at will to chose the venue she likes but one without nearby hotels/motels etc is a shit wedding where everyone has to worry about booking taxis (in a rural area) to get back. She can have it at peak season but why? You can hold a wedding at anytime of the year so it’s inconsiderate to have it at peak holiday season doubling everyone’s costs.

The birthday thing wouldn’t be the deal breaker for me. And I don’t mind spending on a destination wedding as it doubles up as a holiday but how’s this going to play out on your own? Given she is thoughtless and selfish at the best of times, ill wager you won’t be in her thoughts as she is busy doing ‘wedding’ and your either there to carry out tasks or on your own twiddling your thumbs.

You e said you can afford it because youve budgeted. I’d only go if I didn’t have to budget for it.

Although you say you can afford it would you choose to spend this much money on a holiday to that country if you didn't feel under an obligation to attend? It might also be rather hard to find a friend who will spend on a similar scale to be your plus one. As others have said, weddings often mark the end of friendships, particularly if they were already somewhat fragile beforehand. How will you feel if you make all this effort then you lose touch?

I'm not convinced that she understands what asking someone to be her MOH entails. I'm surprised she hasn't offered to accommodate you with her family given your supposed key role in the event.

I wouldn't be paying thousands to attend a wedding for someone who couldn't even be arsed to come see me when she was in the UK.

Does she want you to organise a hen night too?

But even if you did accept have you thought about all the other things that are going to crop up?
These could involve even more effort and expense from you..
And could potentially keep coming from now until the wedding.

I think with alll the expense and difficulties..and having to put your milestone birthday to one side for this event... and the fact that you feel she hasn't thought about you in the planning but expects you to pitch in anyway, it would put me off going. And have'nt you already forked out for 5 trips to see her?

Edited to say. However, I've just seen your update and you say you can afford it, will be paying for your MOH dress and really want to see her etc... so I'm not sure how to advise. Unless you tell her how you feel and see what she says.. but I don't think you will get very far, given her suggestion that you should stay in a tent for a week.

I wouldn't expect any B&G to arrange things around old friends' birthdays, or change the season they wanted to get married to accommodate one guests preferences, so YABU to expect any of that.

However I don't think I would go to a wedding given all the things you've said, so YANBU to tell your friend that it just isn't going to be possible with all the additional information.

Politely decline and do it now. Peak season and the extra cost would be enough reason for me, the other things only add to it.

I would just politely decline now. Your friend just hasn't considered the logistics of you being MofH properly.

@Weddingadviceplease

I wouldn't go - you're clearly more invested in this friendship than she is - the cancelled visit & the fact that all subsequent visits have been you going to her? Once she's married, you'll never see her again & you'll be thousands of pounds out of pocket!!

She’s doesn’t care about your comfort. Major red flag in a friendship.
I wouldn’t entertain the idea of spending thousands to watch someone get married, not even a close friend. Her wedding plans are piss taking, people will get into debt creating her perfect moment. That is not what a wedding should be. I blame social media for the birth of look at me curated vibes that literally cost the earth, she is being a a bucket of dicks.

If roles were reversed, do you think she would go to all this expense for your wedding? I think your friendship has probably come to a point where you’re just going to be understandably irritated at the cost and lack of thoughtfulness of the bride and you probably won’t see how much of her after this so I won’t bother going.

I don’t understand the comments saying the bride is using the OP. Using her for what? She hasn’t asked anything of her.

Also it’s unreasonable to expect to stay with a couple right before or after their wedding when they are mad busy and then going on honeymoon.

Grow up and book your own accommodation like an adult.

I really would not go and let the friendship run its course. She wants to be friends provided there’s no effort from her. So she might think she’s being nice to think ‘I know- I’ll ask @Weddingadviceplease to be MOH’-but there is no consideration of the considerable effort involved from you, nor any thought as to how she can help with the logistics of your role. No-it’s you drop everything to worship the bride. As she’s thousands of miles away, realistically, is the friendship worth the effort from you?

In all honesty, I wouldn’t go if it was me. I would never expect anyone to spend £1000s for my sake & to make no concession to you? If I were her, I’d be offering accommodation with us/a relative for at least part of it, I’d just say, “I’m so sorry, I will be thinking of you, but it’s just unaffordable for me” or “it coincides with my _ birthday & X has/have clubbed together to pay for a trip abroad” etc

Think you just need to shorten the time you attend the wedding itself (i.e 2 days) so that you can spend the rest of the wedding time having a holiday for yourself. Otherwise you will be at her beck and call, not get anything out of it for yourself & by the sounds of it, she will be too busy anyway to even appreciate you spending a whole week with her.

You don’t need to tell her about how you plan to spend your time there, just tell her what you’re able to attend. And if she ask more, just tell her, you can’t afford the full 5 days (in the remote wedding site, paying for expensive accommodation and renting an car) and that you also have your big birthday to celebrate, but it’s fine, you wouldn’t dream of asking her to change wedding plans for your day.