AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

[Weddingadviceplease]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

• she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs

• Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.

• She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?

• Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

Be honest m, say you can't afford to attend The birthday stuff does make you sound selfish though.

You've said in your OP that you're just going to suck it up and go so I don't really understand what you want out of this post? It's obvious what everyone is going to say and you've made it clear you're not going to do that.

I’m a firm believer of have the wedding you want, just expect others to say no if it’s abroad or expensive (like a 5 day wedding)

OP I think it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee, you’re not as close as you used to be.

I bet she doesn’t even remember it’s your birthday then, maybe it was the only date they could do but as a close friend I would of made a comment “I know it’s on your 30th but it’s the only free date we could do etc” or “sorry I know it’s your birthday weekend but that’s the date we wanted, if you have plans already I understand”

You have mentioned you always going to her to meet up too.

You May see her as a best friend but I’m afraid she isn’t yours.

I wouldn’t spend £££ on this wedding x

Do you know what her plans are for you as 'maid of honour'? I ask because I would worry given what you said about her flaking out on you last minute for your birthday despite actually being in the UK I would worry she might do the same with this role, either as a deliberate way to force you into coming or just because she's flaky and she changes her mind. If you weren't the MOH (in the first place, if she'd never asked you) would you still go? A friend of mine was once asked by a formerly good friend who she'd had a bit of a falling out with then patched up to be MOH which was a bit of a surprise. Bride expected her to do all the leg work around the hen do and then ignored her all day at the actual wedding. Very odd.

I would make my decision based upon 1. how much you value the friendship and 2. whether you would have gone anyway if not MOH. It is clear from everything she's said that she's quite a selfish individual, someone that showed so little care about the comfort and ease of their friends, family, and other guests would not be a friend of mine for long.

this is MN many people think abroad wedding or wedding in general are too onerous and an inconvenience.

i got to abroad weddings pretty often and have a great time you just have sort logistics, you are MOH who are the bridesmaids they might have some insight on where to stay and lifts etc.

i doubt the date was deliberate. if you don't want to go, tell her now. don't faff about knowing you won't go and not say anything

wow, many answers already, thank you all!

I will specify a few things, in case it helps:

1. financially I can afford going to the wedding, it’s obviously not pennies, and it’s still going to be a bit of a sacrifice financially but she’s been engaged for a year and it’s something I really wanted and do want to be a part of so I have been budgeting and the money is there and so financially it’s doable, it’s just that if things were reversed, I would definitely offer for her to stay at my place before/after the wedding and include her in my wedding accomodation plans so as to make sure whatever I could help her save up or make easier for her, I would. I could ask but in my culture if someone doesn’t offer it means they are not keen, and inviting yourself to someone’s home is a big no-no.

(I also live in a very popular tourist destination and I am heavily experienced at people casually inviting themselves for a few days catch up (ahem, free holidays) and I am therefore extra wary to ever do that to someone. I wait to be invited otherwise I make alternative accommodation plans so as to never ever make anyone feel like they have to host me just because I am around. So I had and have budgeted for the accommodation it’s just about the gesture.

2. I was granted a plus one and was initially going to come with my now ex-partner, I have asked to keep the plus one and will now try and bring a friend instead as I know people who get married are busy so having a friend as company and a road trip (/camping?) companion would be nice. Definitely definitely would not be camping alone. I am part of a minority group and the country she lives in is not necessarily friendly towards people like me (especially under the current global political climate) and in remote areas so my safety is paramount to me.

3. re my birthday, I am mentioning it because at 99.9% of the weddings I would 100% expect that to not even register to the bride and groom, as I personally wouldn’t even know the birthday of many of the guests I could have at my own wedding, so wouldn’t be offended one bit, but there are a few people in my life whose birthday i know (including hers) and which I would take into consideration at planning especially on milestone years, for the simple reason that I would rather celebrate them on that day and also would want to reduce the risk of them having to pick between my wedding and the celebrating the way they want to specifically because I 100% want them to be able to attend, If I had to get married on the milestone birthday of a very close friend I would acknowledge it to them.

What happened here is she asked me to be the MOH way before she picked the date so I said yes immediately and then months later was sent the date (I wasn’t and I am not going to backtrack because it’s my birthday) but I felt surprise she sent me the date with literally no acknowledgment of when it falls on, a « double the reason to celebrate 🥂 » or « I would understand if you have plans » or whatever would have let me know she knew and I wouldn’t have thought about it twice. Because I understand sometimes you need to do things on a specific date and that’s that. It’s more the fact that there is zero acknowledgment of it that’s off to me. But I understand people react to things differently.

4. re the location etc… she is getting married several hours away from her own city, so technically the wedding is not gonna be local to anyone (her family included), the closest people to the wedding venue will be from an hour and half away most others (from her city will be 4 or almost 5 hours away), some are coming from other parts of the country. So I assume we all have to find accomodations? Minus maybe those who are down for the 1h30 drive to their homes? Not sure why she has picked this venue specifically I assume it must be stunning just away from everyone.

5. I wouldn’t say we are best friends like we used to, and likely plenty of people we are closer to nowadays as obviously not living in the same country and having needed a cooling off period means that our friendship has evolved but when we do see each other or talk on the phone it’s pretty much like the good old days, and a more mature version of what we used to be, but with the bond very much still there, I mean the fact that I was one of the first ones she told and invited and the fact that she still picked me as her MOH despite the distance makes me feel that she does still see me as a very close friend (as do I), though yes I am realizing further that maybe our versions of a close friendship differ largely.

it might not come across in my original post as it’s an AIBU and more of a « rant » than anything else but I DO really want to be there it’s someone who’s been very dear and special to me and saw me through some very life shaping and life changing moments and was definitely a big part of my life and journey as I was of hers and seeing her get married to her amazing future husband (after seeing her through many toxic exes) will be a lovely way to end this decade of life, so I am not going to skip it, I am just a bit sad that I feel maybe we have drifted apart further than I had realized and that I now feel a bit out of place in her life (though maybe that’s expected when you live in two different countries etc…)

nothing wrong with hr having the wedding the way she wants however……

you aren’t best mates anymore , it’s sounds tedious and expensive and I would duck now if I were you .

Do you sleep in the suggested tent by the bride?

It doesn’t sound as if you really want to go. Have you come across the sunk cost fallacy?

You care about her a lot more than she cares about you. You've already spent thousands of pounds trying to maintain this friendship while she makes zero effort; you'd be a mug to go to this wedding.

I would have a big rethink about going to this wedding. It’s clear she does not value your friendship as much as you do. You live a long distance away and only meet up when you travel to see her. She didn’t even meet up with you when she was in your country. She hasn’t asked you to stay with her at all over your trip. Sounds like you are paying for your own dress too.

Honestly, I’d bow out now. Send a message explaining cost factors, accommodation issues, over your birthday, distance, having difficulty getting time off work, lack of travelling companion - wish her well and then move on and concentrate on your real friends who do care about you.

This ^

That definitely made me laugh because I am definitely definitely paying for my dress haha But that part somehow doesn’t bother me? 😂

I know weddings costs a fortune so I don’t expect people to add to the wedding expenses but sometimes it’s the little things that make you feel like your efforts to attend haven’t gone unseen and are appreciated so can understand if he felt upset about the suit! Was it a suit he liked at least?

I actually think you’re the one being unreasonable.

She can have whatever wedding date she wants - and it’s not unusual to pick peak season, hence why it’s peak season! She’s getting married (hopefully once) and a birthday is just a birthday.

I think all this “why hasn’t she considered me” is a bit pathetic. She’s organising her wedding, in her home country, at a popular time of year, and she has asked you to come and isn’t demanding anything of you. She has plenty of guests to think about other than you.

If the accommodation doesn’t suit you, or the price doesn’t suit you, or the fact that her big life event isn’t all about you doesn’t suit you, don’t go.

I just wouldn't go - I don't think she's been unreasonable exactly in planning the wedding she wants, but she should understand that means some people can't make it

So you’re having to pay for your MOH dress too?

If a friend didn’t bother to let me know she was in the country and see if we could meet up, I’d be reconsidering the strength of the friendship. If you were that unimportant then, how come you’re now MOH important? Is it possible you’ve been asked because you are the one most likely to spend the money necessary to be MOH?

I think what she is expecting you to do and spend is ridiculous. Not something that is likely to occur in my circle but if it did it would be politely declined.

Given your particular circumstances I would get back to her and say when you accepted the invitation you hadn’t realised that plans had been made for your birthday and you are very sorry but won’t be able to attend her wedding after all.

You see her 4 times a year and only if you travel to her. Why on earth would you spend that kind of money on her?

I know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by

It's news to me that such rooms are made available at cost; every time I've been offered one "at this great price!!" it's been MORE than the usual rack rate and turned out that the venue's suggested they'll charge the B&G less if they guarantee to fill rooms (and then probably charged them the same anyway)

TBH the difficulties mean I probably wouldn't go, but of course it has to be your choice

I'm reading it like she asked you out of excitement.
But she doesn't want you as MOH anymore, so she's putting all these obstacles so you'll say no.

You're not being entirely unreasonable, but you're also not entirely in the right. The reality is, your friend is planning her wedding the way she wants it, with her priorities in mind.

I eloped, but if I was planning a wedding, I wouldn’t be planning it around just one of my friends. It’s their day, they’ve planned it how they want, it’s not how you’d plan it but you can do it differently when it’s your turn. Sounds like it’s family orientated if most are only 1hr30 drive away.

I would just decline if you don’t want to go, better than being a resentful guest. I’m pretty bad with birthdays, I set up reminders a couple of weeks out, but it would not occur to me if a wedding date which is months out overlapped that.

As kindly as possible @Weddingadviceplease, I suggest that although you ARE friends, that the balance is weighted against you. Her not coming to see you in the UK is an example, as if her lack of consideration for how you're going to manage it all for her wedding.

I would, super kindly and nicely, just advise her that due to the cost, the peak season, and the logistics, that you just can't manage it. I'd be very apologetic, and tell her it breaks your heart not to be able to attend etc etc. And I'd send a lovely gift and card.

I can see now why you want to go after reading your update. However be aware that weddings—nice or not—are often the death knell of relationships and friendships rather than the capstone. I had several friends at my wedding who I have never seen again. Not my choice but the reality of an international life that ended when I or they settled down. At the least your friend is selfish and thoughtless. Arranging for viable accommodations for your valued guests is absolutely standard. If you are an at risk minority all the more so.

I wouldn’t go. I would offer to make a fuss over her on her next visit to the UK.

Most definitely this!

Says everything I was thinking. 👍

i have camped at a wedding before yes, it was great fun. with 3 people i met in the wedding carpool on the way there.

the wedding was in a big tent too

I generally assume good faith from my friends and their invites, because otherwise why would i keep them as friends. As with most things you can lean in and have fun/create it. or be miserable. its a big party for your loved one at the end of the day