AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

[Weddingadviceplease]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

• she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs

• Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.

• She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?

• Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

You're a better friend than me OP. No way I'd go to the arse end of tit just to sleep in my car or a tent.

Seriously dude, send a nice gift and ask her for a video or something.

OP, in the kindest possible way, you are being a complete pushover. You were clearly hoping your friend would hear your financial woes and suggest that you don’t come. That was never going to happen. You needed to be honest and tell her you can’t afford to go.

JFC. Are you mad? There is no way on this planet I would be going to that.

Don’t go.

I think you, OP, feel like you tried to have the conversation with her but failed. You tried to express your concerns but since she didn't give you permission to withdraw you lost that round.

However I think just the opposite. You opened negotiations. You took a first pass at disappointing her. In fact you have already broken the ice with your conversation. Even though she didn't give you the out and out verbal permission not to come the conversation with her already moved the ball downfield closer to the goal (if not coming). She knows you can’t afford this—and you are not the only one who is going to cancel at the last minute.

Just say no. She will get over it or not but my guess is that she will have to forgive a shit liad of people because a lot of people are going to no show for one reason or another. So she is going to either have no friends after the wedding or have to compromise with her ego.

Parenthetically there is no way in hell I would camp out for a wedding where others were staying in hotels. What the ever loving fuck is up with that?

I've lived in several countries and been to many weddings both amazing and horrific but have never heard of a guest paying for a meal??

Astounding please give us details so we can be outraged on your behalf!

What culture expects guests to PAY FOR THEIR MEAL???????

You've seen her 4 or 5 times since your last big bust up? I'm not sure you are even friends, let alone best friends

She just wants someone on her side of the church … doesn’t care who. OP - you’re bring taken for a rude. And you’re an idiot to go given your financial situation. Don’t let her guilt trip you. That’s not what friends do,

Even if you were the best of friends with no ups and downs, I would be saying no.

a good friend will understand. Some people’s entire wedding budget will be less than the costs of attending.

don’t know where you’re coming from, but at peak season a long haul flight could easily cost
£2.5k
£1k accommodation
£500 car.

thats £4K before you’ve even eaten or done anything.

"You have opened negotiations"

I think this is great advice.

Just because she hasn't taken in your financial difficulties doesn't mean they are not real or that she can compel you to ignore them and do what she wants anyway. It doesn't mean that you cannot repeat this talk.. Or message.

I think spending all that money when you don't currently have a job and have just taken on a mortgage commitment is, and I say this with kindness, extremely irresponsible and as a friend she should know that. What if you have an emergency and your savings have been used up?

and after doing all that, she is happy to have everyone else staying in a hotel and happy for you to be WILD CAMPING, which you rightly have reservations about... and to top it all, she wants you to pay for your meal at the wedding reception.

Sorry OP this is just plain madness.
I would be dreading this. Its nothing but an imposition. I can't imagine a bride making you come all that way and not offering you a room, much less food. You are being used. Take the hit and say no.

You won't even know anyone at the reception. She will be so busy with all her other guests you won't get much time with her.

Send a nice card/gift and spend the money you would have spent on this for emergencies. The relief you will feel will be immense.

You aren't as close as you used to be, and while she is still a best friend for you, you aren't for her. It is normal to grow apart, but usually the differences aren't made as obvious and the fade away happens naturally. The situation of the wedding has highlighted it in your case.

What I suggest you do is take a day or two to digest that your special friendship is a beautiful memory of the past, and it is not what you have now. Accept that she sees you as a friend, not a bestfriend. And then think about would you spend that money to go to the wedding of someone who is one of several friends or would you only do it for a bestfriend. And if you still want to go, then think about how you can turn it into a holiday with the other friend you are thinking of travelling with, with a day for the wedding.

I would love an update on this, op. Are you still planning to attend?