AIBU to be a bit put out my best friend’s wedding planning choices?

[Weddingadviceplease]

Not sure if I am being unreasonable or not so genuinely asking for opinions, but also wanting to stress that no matter what the consensus is, I will NOT mention anything to her and will just go to the wedding and make the most of it and celebrate her as I understand it’s her day and not about me so won’t make it about me BUT:

One of my closest friend is getting married, we met abroad when I was living in her country a few years back and became the best of friends, had the closest bond, took a little bit of a break when I moved out of the country because there was an instance of her coming to the UK and talking about visiting me for my birthday to then her saying the trip was canceled to then get a message of her on my birthday wishing me a nice day and mentioning she was in fact in the UK but no mention of us meeting up? I was hurt, told her so and there was some needed distance for a while and we have since gotten back in touch and I have seen her about 4/5 times since, each time because I went to her country. All good and pretty much back to the good old days.

Back to the wedding. A year ago she got engaged, immediately invited me and asked me to be a maid of honor, obviously said yes as ecstatic to see her get married, and honored to be asked to be a MOH considering the physical distance between us, I knew going to her wedding was gonna be a big expense since she lives in a very expensive city of a very expensive country with extremely long flights so was never gonna be cheap, BUT:

• she’s picked her wedding date at the highest of peak season, so flights and accommodations are double the normal costs

• Also specifically picked to get married over my birthday, it’s an important birthday year this year for me and while I am not a little kid and I will be fine celebrating before or after I was surprised she picked that specific moment, and didn’t even mention it to me (not an apology but an “hey I know it falls on your big birthday but that was the only date or whatever”) to the point I am starting to wonder if she even remembers it’s my birthday? Again I will be fine celebrating my own birthday at a complete different time but because of the age I am turning (and some trauma surrounding that time of the year) ideally I would have really loved to celebrate it at home with my people on the day so an acknowledgment on her part from the date clash would have been nice even if not technically needed.

• She’s made it a full week event in a very remote area which means I will 100% need to rent a car and just had a quick look at accommodations and they cost £200+ per night minimum and most are miles away from the venue, (if I drive I don’t drink, which is fine but again would have loved a glass to celebrate) when I asked more information about accommodations (I haven’t attended many weddings but know that usually the couple get some accommodation on site and usually have a few rooms available for some guests, obviously at a cost but just to be close by) , I was told there was a camp ground nearby I could have a tent or park a van at? Like wtf?

• Nothing against camping but a) I am coming from abroad, I won’t have camping gear with me, nor want to live off a car for 5 days, b) it’s a wedding, I want to be able to sleep well and get ready properly? I honestly might have audibly gasped when she suggested I sleep in a tent because I was shocked that was even a solution in her mind.

Obviously will go for one of the expensive Airbnb nearby, but am I wrong to be a bit miffed? Currently her wedding is likely to cost me thousands of pounds and obviously nobody is putting a gun to my head to go and I do want to go and celebrate her, but at the same time I feel a bit crap about her planning choices as it really feels like there was no consideration at all towards me, and while I don’t expect any kind of special treatment I guess I do feel a bit disappointed that it seems there was no thoughts towards me at all despite giving me such an important role into her wedding? I mean there wasn’t even an offer of « you could stay with us for a few days before or after the wedding» (it’s so far away that there is no way I will only go for the wedding, might as well stretch it out a bit) but the whole thing has made me want to just go to the wedding and go home tbh (which would still cost me several thousands).

So, am I being unreasonable or is my friend a bit thoughtless? My friend hasn’t been a bridezilla at all and pretty much isn’t asking anything of me as a MOH apart from being there on the day and to follow a color scheme. I know she cares and want me there and like I have said at the beginning it’s her day and I will be there and won’t show any of my feelings as she truly is a lovely person and I want her to have the best day and time of her life, and won’t add any stress to her wedding preparation, or wedding day(s) hence why I let it all out here and not directly to her, but curious how others would feel about it all?

This

No one is making you.

As someone else said - take her out for dinner to celebrate (with new husband?) to celebrate.

Your friendship, as you have written it, sounds massively one sided, all take and no give.

I think she is being massively unreasonable in her requests and, as I have read on here a few times, it's an invitation not a summons.

I wouldn't go. I would drop her a message and say the wedding sounds lovely, but but taking into account air fares, accommodation, car hire etc. at peak season, plus the difficulty getting the time of work in peak holiday time, it just doesn't work for you. Therefore you must regretfully decline the invitation. However, you will raise a toast to her and groom on the day as it's your 40th (or whatever) birthday at the time. But you would love to celebrate in person so let you know when she is coming back to UK next.

Press send and relax.

I'm afraid I see disappointment being the take away experience for OP from this wedding.

My rule is that if I'm invited to a wedding in my local area I will make every attempt to go. If a wedding is outside my local area, I will automatically decline unless I really want to go.

I resent others thinking that their "special day" obligates me to spend my holiday money to attend. I decide where I holiday and I HATE camping with the white-hot heat of a thousand suns, so this jaunt would be an immediate no.

Keep in mind, also, that if Bridezilla has a problem with your declining the invitation then she was never that good of a friend to begin with.

She’s not your best friend (as you subsequently acknowledge), she’s not really even your friend.

The first point (peak time) - that’s just unfortunate.

The second point (your birthday) - total non-issue in my mind, it’s not possible to arrange your wedding around your guests birthdays.

The final point (week long wedding, unsuitable/expensive accommodation) - I wouldn’t go.

I don’t know why you are saying you are still going, let alone being MOH, AND paying for the dress. Fuck me OP! Can you not tell when someone is using you???

She can have whatever wedding she wants, but I honestly I would not go to this one. It may feel like you're close friends now, but realistically that won't last. Trust me, I've been around the block and seen many a friendship like this wane over time. The friendship you describe is very 1 sided, with you always visiting her. Do you think if the roles were reversed she'd be doing all this for you? There are plenty more friends to be made that don't involve trekking to the other side of the world and spending thousands of pounds to see them. I would let this one go.

It’s her wedding and her choices. You can choose not to go.

Can you just not say you are going away for your big birthday?
You said yes before knowing the date but she can't be mad if you are already going away - May jog her memory as well!!

I would decline. There is so many other things I would spend this money on. Sounds like just too much effort and money and inconvenience.

This sums it up I think.

"Hello Friend, having reviewed the date and costing, I am so very very sorry but I just can't manage to get to your wedding in person after all. I was so honoured to be asked to be MOH so am so sorry to let you down and that I won't be able to join you after all. I hope tou can understand. I wish you the most wonderful day and am excited to hear all about it and seeing all the pictures. With love xx"

If she comes back just point out that the high season flight costs and the clash with your big birthday and family plans make it impossible.

If she is a friend she will understand.

Exactly, you are massively overthinking this. If you want to go then go and if you don't then don't go. It really is as simple as that. You can agonise over it and be mad at her if you want but why waste your time.

Just fuck it off and don't go. She can get a local friend to schlep around after her.

She 'specifically picked to get married over my birthday'. You make it sound like she's got some kind of vendetta against you and is deliberately trying to sabotage your birthday by inconsiderately having a wedding?!
Just don't go.

This

I wouldn't go if I was you. I would decline and say that, although you'd love to be there, it's too expensive for you. A good friend would understand.

I’d decline and use my birthday as an excuse… ‘I’m really sorry but I didn’t realise the date when you asked! I’m booked to do xyz for my 40th birthday so I’m not going to be able to make the wedding’!

Exactly 💯

She’s organising her wedding to suit her.

which is fine.

if it doesn’t suit you then either decline in full or part.

YABU to expect her to organise it to suit you.

Depends. It sounds a little as though you think that you personally should have been considered in the planning?

Is it being held somewhere that makes sense for her and the majority of the guests? If I were the outlier, I would not expect to be considered to the degree that you are implying.

It being over your birthday is a complete neither here nor there to be honest.

You’re making her a priority when she’s clearly made you an option time and time again.

There is not one part of this wedding planning that sounds like she had considered your efforts and safety or even cares. If you’re happy to be a doormat then go ahead but if it was me I wouldn’t go unless, 1. free and convenient accommodation was offered (I.e. not camping) and 2. she paid for all my wedding related expenses that she insists on such as the dress, hair, makeup.

Hell no. Why would you go? Absolute madness. Only people I’d do this for is my kids. Anyone else? Not a chance.

Huh? Why do you pay for your dress?!

I wouldn't go. The friendship seems to be very one sided. I would wonder if she has picked you as a people pleaser who will be ran around doing everything for the wedding "week" while she gets to spend time with the people she really wants there. The fact she only meets you on her turf speaks volumes.

This.