Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

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Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

Yes absolutely.

Just send invitations saying you have had a small wedding service but you would love to invite people to your party to celebrate your marriage.

Obviously you need to tell your nearest and dearest abput your wedding as if they are not invited to the service they will likely be upset. Are there not people (close family?) that you would like to attend your service and perhaps have a drink or meal after?

Absolutely I would go. Some friends of mine got married in Vegas with only their mums and dads there, then had a lovely mid-afternoon drinks party at their house when they got back. They didn't market it as a reception, just a lovely celebration.

Yes, friends throwing a party to mark their recent marriage is certainly worth celebrating. Unless you’re asking them to fly long haul to have a beach party in Thailand then it’s hardly an imposition, any more than being invited to a birthday party, an anniversary party, or a “the sun is out so let’s all get together and spend time together” garden party.

Having loads of kids attending an event where their parents might not feel the same pressure to make them behave well as they would at a wedding might result in utter mayhem, but you know your friends and their parenting standards best.

Yes I would and in fact I'm going to something like that in August. The couple already got married in the groom's country (where they live) and are having a party in the summer for uk relatives and friends.

Yes, and I have been to two. One was the next day, one was many months after. I was invited to a third on the same day, but childcare didn’t work out. Can’t see why I wouldn’t want to go, if the couple were my friends!

Absolutely I would, and I have. One of my best friends got married a year or two ago, in a very small quiet ceremony for just immediate family on, say, the Monday, then had a reception type party on the following friday night. We all had a fantastic time and we were no less happy for them or excited to celebrate than we would’ve been had we attended the actual wedding ceremony itself.

Throw a party, maybe say ‘haha we did it at last, come and celebrate with us’ or something.

My non married friends had a spectacular 10 Years Together party, everyone came, they may well have done a marriage contract by now, no idea, not my business!

People attend parties, what’s the problem? Just don’t try and make it a mock wedding do.

Yes but tell people. We went to one where the couple had actually married a few days prior and we didn’t find out until we got there. Unfortunately I’d bought a present with the “wedding” date on…

That sounds fun. I’d go!

We're not inviting anyone to see the actual legal bit. That's already decided. My family don't live in the same country so we can't ask them to just pop over for 20 minutes at 10am on a Thursday. And once you start inviting parents and siblings you've basically got yourself a wedding, which is what we don't want. If you think people will be upset then we'd rather not ever tell anyone.

We didn't do this in the end because of Covid, but we were going to have a small family registry office ceremony in one city, and then a bigger party close to home a couple of days. This was mainly so an elderly relative who couldn't travel could come to the ceremony. Everyone we invited was going to come, including some who were travelling quite a long way and needed to stay overnight. However, we found the bigger the party, the more you still needed to plan it as though it was a wedding reception, in terms of timings, catering, entertainment etc. Also I think it worked because the family guests thought it important enough to travel for, and the friend guests were mainly local and would come to any party we were having. People like to think of it as a wedding and probably will want to get you presents whether you like it or not.

I’d have no problem with it, but based on other posts I’ve seen on Mumsnet (featuring phrases like “sham wedding” and “bad acting”) I’d be upfront that the legal ceremony has already been conducted. That way if a potential guest considers the legal marriage ceremony the only part of the wedding day worth travelling for, they have the information to make that decision. But I can’t imagine most people would care. It’s really common in a lot of places for the legal ceremony to happen at a different time to the party.

Definitely, I've been to at least three weddings where people got married in advance. I've also been to a couple of wedding parties where the couple were already married.

I'd definitely come!! That was pretty much what my DB and SIL did but on the day- small registry office wedding with very immediate family and then a big party with all friends, family and work pals etc. DB and SIL just didn't want the wedding ceremony part of proceedings to be a big deal, it would have felt forced to them. Everyone understood and had a great time. I think it would be lovely if you want similar on your timelines. I'd send cards out announcing the marriage and inviting people to the party. It's something lovely to celebrate.

Sounds super fun. I have a lot of friends from lots of countries so it's really common to have multiple celebrations.

You're saying I'm invited to a "fun, well-catered party" to celebrate the happy occasion of someone I love, along with lots of other people I care about, and that I don't have to buy a wedding present, sit through a boring ceremony or a stilted meal, buy and wear expensive, uncomfortable clothes, or organise childcare? Nah, why would I come to that?

I'd want a relaxed atmosphere, wouldn't want kids to have to be on their best behaviour. We'd probably get a bouncy castle or something and a load of toys - quite happy to have a bit of mayhem!

And yes we'd be upfront that we had already been married for a while.

Something about this doesn't sit right with me. I think it's the paradox between 'oh we don't want a big fuss, that's not us' but also basically wanting a big reveal? I can't work that out. My friend 'eloped' (kind of, nobody knew he was engaged but they had their parents there) but he announced it to friends within a few days, and had the party a month later. Unfortunately I couldn't go as I had a prior engagement, but that's the risk you take with surprises. If he'd had it the year after I'd have been even more WTF if I'm honest. A big reveal that someone got married last year would fall flat I think. Nobody cares about your wedding/marriage as much as you do, and (having had a big wedding a couple of years ago), as soon as it's over everyone moves on. Rightly so.

Of course! Love a good party and not having to sit through the wedding bit is a win 😂

Oh, I'd much prefer this to going to an actual wedding. It's a party, how can anyone be offended by that, and if they are you probably wouldn't want them there anyway.

I've generally seen this kind of talk when it's an elaborate sequence of celebrations that guests have to pay out a lot to attend for travel, clothes and gifts so it feels there's an element of bad faith. Quite often evening invitations feature and lack of thought for guests etc and all round perceived gauchery or selfishness from the couple.

It's usually very different, intentionally or not, from such as the OP is describing which is an honest party to celebrate an earlier registry office marriage.

I would, but I definitely know some people who would be difficult and get offended they weren't invited to the wedding. Those people are no fun at parties anyway lol, but just so you're prepared :)

Congratulations OP, and don't let what anyone thinks change what you want. We compromised on a small wedding (40ish guests. We wanted to elope) and it was good, but I think I would have been more present emotionally if it was just us 2.

Not saying I necessarily agree but that tends to be the gist

It's more the performance and the formality we don't want. We don't want to dress up and we don't want everyone looking at us and making speeches about us. I know you can do weddings in your own way but it would be hard to avoid this completely and people have certain expectations about weddings.

I just feel less stressed about this idea, but otherwise we'd just keep it between ourselves completely.

Reason we wouldn't do it this year is because there are various other things already happening this summer and it wouldn't fit.

Yes. Of course. Why wouldn't I want to celebrate the marking of a special occasion of people I love.

Frame the invitation as a "Party to celebrate the recent marriage of X And Y"

Or any chance it could on the wedding anniversary? Then party to celebrate the 1st wedding anniversary of X And Y !