Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

[BlackCube]

Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

Absolutely. Get to miss out on the boring old ceremony and just enjoy the party!

Having a wedding party without a ceremony is fine OP. Lots of people do this and it's lovely. Great fun. But it's more typical to do hold the party very shortly after the ceremony, having the party a year later would be a bit strange IMO.

I would be fucking livid if ive booked time off work and travelled, booked hotels etc to find out people are already married.

But why? I mean don't get me wrong I think it's important to make it clear on the invite what the plan for the event is so people can dress appropriately etc, but what would you do differently in the situation above?

I don't think I would attend something like that.
My "husband" and I didn't care about having a wedding so we did a civil partnership.
It was a no frills appointment style service. It took 7 minutes and cost £47.
We didn't tell anyone in advance we just went and did it.
We definitely wouldn't have them thrown a party a year later to celebrate it.
I think that is a real strange thing to do.
I appreciate that weddings are not for everyone but they may still want to celebrate with family and friends. I would attend the party if it happened quite soon after the formal "wedding" part but not a year later.
But I think you are also asking the wrong people.
You should be asking your own friends and family rather than strangers on the internet.
Just because I think it is a bizarre thing to do and wouldn't attend doesn't mean your friends and family would feel the same way.

We married some 400 miles from where we lived and worked and family was scattered all over the country. The venue for the actual ceremony had room for some 50 guests and our families are enormous.

Our solution was to invite family and closest friends to "a reception to celebrate the marriage of" which began at 4pm (to allow time for people to travel on the day) and to let it be known informally that the ceremony was taking place at 1130 at (venue) and anyone wanting to turn up would be welcome. Most of those local to the venue came. The wedding party had lunch at a hotel and we had a reception for 100.

We went on honeymoon and arranged a party near home for friends and colleagues who weren't invited to the wedding reception. I think there were around 50. The invitation said "a party to celebrate our recent marriage".

I see nothing wrong with your plans, Winter 2020, but would suggest that if it is the following year, you make it a celebration for your first anniversary. You could just have a big day, or you could make it a bit more special by having a small handfasting ceremony. Let your plans trickle out informally, so people know this is in lieu of your wedding reception and they will make the effort if they care.

I would attend the party if it happened quite soon after the formal "wedding" part but not a year later.

But again...why? It's a party, it's fun, you're making it sound like your attendance is a chore and if they don't invite you within your parameters that's it you're excused. If you don't like parties or events and you do them out of service then ok fair enough, but if I like someone, and they're inviting me to a celebration and there will be drinks, food, music, I will be there! Because I want to be.

People on MN are so weird it genuinely makes me fear the world sometimes 😂

I would have it as an anniversary party if you are going to wait a year. Are you not going to tell anyone before then?
My oh and I have been together almost 25yrs and are thinking of getting married for legal reasons. I want to do it and tell no one, he thinks there’s certain people we have to invite, but we both have big families so that would be worse imo.

I would probably try to go to any kind of party I was invited to by close friends & family...I love a party!

Reading your updates though I'm a bit confused why you want to do this, and I'm surprised you haven't even considered close family might be upset. It's fair enough that you want to get married just for the legal status/formality, do you really want to celebrate it at all? Have you got a big anniversary of your relationship coming up and you could have big party to celebrate that instead?

whyever not?!
do you expect bride & groom to be virgins and chest of dowry?

but then in the country I live in only registry office weddings are legal.
religious ceremonies are often held days apart.

I did that, wedding in the autumn, honeymoon in the winter then a party in the summer. Maybe a couple of people didn't prioritise coming to the party because it wasn't the wedding, and one previously good friend didn't come because she was so offended not to be invited to the legal ceremony.

@dhfkabduuori I get that you don't see the difference, but you seem very determined not to see anyone else's point of view. Ceremonies are boring, and probably are no-one's favourite bit of a wedding. But they do have a function. They are like other ceremonies to mark important transitions in people's lives. If you go to a funeral, you're not going because you love wakes, you're going to mark a transition, pay your respects to the deceased, and support the family. If you attend a graduation, you're probably not doing it because you love listening to academics reading out the names of dozens of students you've never heard of, you are doing it to be there for the person who's graduating and mark their achievement. Can you really not imagine that some people think it's more important to go to a wedding than to a normal party, for similar reasons? And that this isn't just because they are boring, don't value your relationship, and would be no fun anyway?

I would suggest following the traditional etiquette and sending an announcement of your elopement immediately after. IME it’s keeping a secret for months or years that annoys people. Elopement is a thing and using that structure rather than inventing something could help communicating to family.

Most people get married before the actual day don't they? I know we did and all the friends that I know. If they are people that want to celebrate you then it'd be a bit mean for anyone to have an issue

Yes. Just call it a party and not a wedding.

Yes I’d definitely go but I would advise people beforehand on the invites that you’re already married and it’s a celebration

”we’ve finally tied the knot, come and celebrate with us on X date”

i would tell close friend and family about the elopement before sending invites but I don’t see any issue with just having a big party

Two of my favourite "weddings" were ones where the couple were already married!

@BarnacleBeasley I think, that if you love someone (as a friend or family member) you respect how they want to mark the occasion, and you want to share it with them. If you refuse to go because you don't like what they have chosen to do (unless it's something that severely puts you out eg financially etc) then I think you just don't like that person very much.

And that's fine by the way, I didn't go to all my cousins' weddings because it was a disproportionate amount of effort for the relationship we have, but the way they chose to celebrate had no impact on that decision.

Either you want to celebrate with someone or you don't, how they choose to do that should not be the primary factor.

@BlackCube not a silly idea at all! I think it’s lovely. Doing on your own terms. Anyone that loves you would understand and want to just celebrate your love and union. I would go. And bring a present (I know you said you don’t want any!)

I have done, and would again. It’s always nice to celebrate the people you love.

yes because its a nice to catchup

@BarnacleBeasley and just to add, if having a party weeds out the people who would be attending out of duty because they think a party isn't occasion enough, then that's fine! Hopefully everyone will be happy all round in that scenario!

Reading your updates though I'm a bit confused why you want to do this, and I'm surprised you haven't even considered close family might be upset. It's fair enough that you want to get married just for the legal status/formality, do you really want to celebrate it at all?

We are thinking about it because we thought it would be nice to tell everyone we were married and celebrate it in a way that feels right for us. Basically thought it would be enjoyable for us and hopefully also anyone who came. It's not any deeper than that.

But it's not a must for us. We still might not, just wanted to ask how people would generally feel about it. It seems that many would consider it especially 'weird' to leave such a big gap.

It didn't occur to me that anyone would be upset to miss a very basic 20 minutes legal procedure in a basic office building because it's not going to be any great spectacle. Besides we are already completely committed to each other and part of each other's families so it's not news per se. We are not trying to upset anyone, we just don't want to have a wedding.

Perhaps the mismatch between these two things makes it seem like we are trying to have our cake and eat it!

We eloped. We told family beforehand and they were so happy for us. It was just the two of us and we had a wonderful day. None of our family or friends were upset, just happy for us as we knew they would be.

We didn’t have a party, but I would definitely go to one. I went to a fake one as they getting married abroad but had to do the legal bit in the UK. It was fun and the party was great. I think it’s even better if you get rid of the ceremony bit altogether, that’s the fullest but for me!!

Yes I would, it sounds more fun than an actual wedding!

Haha, just when I thought we'd agreed to differ! I guess I do think duty is more important than fun, and I would see attending a ceremony as something I do for the couple, and the party more as something they are doing for me and the other guests.