Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

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Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

I get it. 😊

But folk are easily confused and as we see here regularly on MN, they love a moan! I think provided you make it clear the wedding bit is already done and dusted, and the party is to celebrate that fact, you'll be fine. Those who love you and understand will just love to celebrate with you and those who don't, will simply enjoy being able to complain.

OP you’re allowed to celebrate in whatever way you want! You’re allowed to have your cake and eat it!

@BarnacleBeasley I think times are changing. I hate the thought of people doing something out of duty for me. I think the fact we are seeing more direct crem funerals shows that.

I just think duty is very old fashioned in a life that is short, go to the party because you want to party, don't go because you feel obligated to because you share blood or whatever.

But I am happy to differ, don't want to be here all day, interesting discussion for me though!

It's still a 'proper' wedding as long as it's legal, but I understand what you mean.
Are intending to tell people that you are married and when you got married when inviting them, or telling them at the party? If you don't tell people beforehand, they are going to ask what occasion is. What would you say?
People would buy gifts. Surely nobody goes to a party, be it a wedding, birthday or anniversary etc without one. People would get dressed up too, because people get dressed up for parties although maybe not quite so much as they would for a wedding.
Would I travel to attend a party that I knew wasn't an actual wedding? Yes, because I bloody love a party. Do I find it weird to have a party to let people know you got married more than a year ago, also yes.
You say that you and your DP are getting married as a formality and that everyone already knows you intend to spend the rest of your lives together. So why do you need to have a big party to let everyone know you got married? Why does it matter to anyone?
OP, you don't to answer to me, I'm just curious. 😀
If you do have your party next year, I'm sure everyone will have a great time.

I got married in 2021 and covid restrictions were still a thing. We only had parents and our children there (9 of us in total) and planned a big party 12 months later to the day, to celebrate with all our friends and family whom we couldn't invite to the actual wedding.

We sent out save the date cards with a letter explaining our thinking and everyone seemed really excited by the idea. We planned and booked things accordingly.

When it came to RSVPs to the official invitations however, not one family member (including siblings) agreed to come. Sadly they felt that a "party" was not important enough and they felt snubbed not to be invited to the actual wedding. As a consequence we lost quite a bit having to pay for minimum numbers for the catering.

At the time I was gutted. We tried so hard to make it worth their while - a proper cake, food trucks and a lovey ceiladh band who were absolutely excellent. Now I think fuck 'em!!! We had a gorgeous celebration with our friends and they missed out, not us. I do feel slightly differently about them now though, I can't help it.

Whatever you decide, I'd try not to have any preconceptions and plan things that you will enjoy whatever happens. Many congratulations on your marriage x

Yeh do it - I'd rather go to a marriage party than an actual wedding. Hate all the official formal stuff.

I also would not be even a tiny bit upset if one of my sisters got an official marriage without telling us and then had a party later - would not care in the slightest. I'd do similar to what you're doing myself.

I think the people suggesting immediate family would automatically be upset maybe have a different approach to all this stuff - but then they probably wouldn't plan a marriage party either and would want the formal celebration (both of which are valid).

If you think this would be a good idea, you're probably the type of people in the type of circle who would also quite enjoy it.

I would happily come to a party to celebrate a wedding the year before.

I would respect close family wishes if they only want to of them at the ceremony although a little disappointed I would understand.

I would be very hurt not to be told about the marriage until a year later if it was my dd or sibling.

I would let immediate family know day or 2 after ceremony, and mention you will have a celebration in the future. Probably next summer as this summer is busy.

So for me party sounds great, but tell parents and siblings much sooner. It is a big milestone/life event even if you dont want a traditional wedding.

I've been to a wedding like this - they'd gotten married with the most basic sort of ceremony at the registry office and then a few months later had a ceremony in a posh Air BnB type place. it was nice - a mutual friend was the celebrant and the setting was beautiful and much cheaper for them than having the usual hire cost of properly registered wedding venues.

I think what stopped it being weird was that they were completely open and straightforward about the set up - I think people get sour when they feel duped by secret weddings in registry offices before or after. If you do it like this just own it.

I think it’s lovely. I missed my 40th as it was Covid times so had a big party on my 43 1/2 birthday and invited everyone for a ceilidh. It was lovely without any pressure at all. I might do it again next year for no reason at all (46 1/2 birthday a thing?)

You are basically talking about having a massive garden party so can’t imagine who would have an issue with that.

I'd attend. As long as you weren't pretending it was your wedding and it was clear that it is a celebration with family and friends then I don't see the issue. I can't quite work out but I think the only 'issue' you have is if you don't actually tell your close family and friends until an invite comes out next year for the celebration - that could make people feel a bit unsure and like it was a big secret they weren't privy too.
I'd get married on my own, as planned, then either make some sort of announcement or tell people your lovely news pretty swiftly and let them know that celebration invitations will follow for anyone who wants to join you next year for a summer-bash of celebration. I think that's what I would do in your shoes
Everyone does things differently and it's important to do things the way you personally want them done.

Yes, of course. We had a registry office wedding the morning of our wedding as we had a humanist wedding for the one people actually turned up for. But just a celebration of your marriage would be lovely too.

Now I know someone who has had not one, not two, but THREE ‘weddings’ (to the same person), none of which were actual weddings. They aren’t married (he refuses to get married), but every 5 years or so, they do the whole white dress, vows, wedding breakfast with 100 people thing. 🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s a bit annoying. But a party to celebrate your actual marriage sounds lovely!

Like other posters, I'd go if I could, if it were just a big party to celebrate with you. I'd be irritated if you called it your wedding, or of it were more commitment than just turning up in a party dress with a bottle.

That is, keep it cheap & simple for your guests. Feed them, make a celebration, but it's not a wedding.

This. Id happily come to a party to celebrate a secret/ private wedding that took place last week . But one that took place a year ago seems odd.

Its a bit like saying “ oh the legal marriage was no big deal to us, we didn’t invite anyone or tell you about it as it’s just a legal document/ formAlity / bit of paper, it’s not with bothering about “.

And then a year later, saying “ amazing news, that unimportant piece of paper is actually a big deal, come along and celebrate with us “.

so what are they celebrating ? You’ve been together for years and have kids, it’s not like you’ve just decided to make a commitment to each other / found the love of your life . It’s like holding a party because you made a will a year ago.

Yes I would without question. However, I attended one and the parents didn't know and MOB was extremely upset

That is really bat shit. Seriously.

what do they call these pseudo weddings ?

For a party? No presents, no daytime wedding outfit? Sure!

A friend of mine did this and it was lovely. They got married on a beach in Thailand with just their parents as witnesses. They paid to fly them out and everyone had a lovely holiday and then about two months later, when the weather was a bit warmer in Ireland, they had a BBQ at their house to celebrate. It was very low key and informal, they didn't ask for presents but some people brought some anyway and it was a fun, relaxing day. It was much cheaper for them and a lot less stressful than a traidtional wedding.

It’s like holding a party because you made a will a year ago.

Haha yeah fair play. Having our cake and eating it, yes. Isn't it an OK excuse for a party, though?

It's really the opportunity to get both sides of the family and our friends from near and far all together for a lovely day that appeals, which is something you only really get at weddings, but ultimately we weren't willing to make the sacrifice and organise an actual wedding to achieve this so that's on us.

Do you think people would come to a 38th birthday party? 😄

Absolutely! Celebrating love is the same at a wedding or few months later.

I think if you are getting married next week then throwing a big party next year is a bit pointless and weird. What will you be celebrating exactly? You'd already have been married for at least 8 months or even well over a year by then. A big party to celebrate marriage will have a performance element to it. Just because it doesn't involve people coming to the ceremony first doesn't make it not a performance that's all about you. I think you either link the two much closer together, like a tiny wedding with just witnesses or just both sets of parents, followed by a big party no more than a week later where you wear your wedding outfit, or you just get married quietly and don't feel the need for further celebration. To ask people to celebrate with you so long after the event just seems odd to me.

Just a facebook message after the wedding with a photo of your wedding ring saying 'guess what we just did?' Didn't want a fuss so we snuck off quietly' and let people congratulate you then. If you don't want a performance then don't have one.

If we could do it again that’s what we would do, this is such a fun idea. Also takes the stress out of the guests. I do love a wedding, but finding an outfit, getting the kids looked after (or worse, having to take them shopping for an outfit), and all that fuck around is a ball ache. I would actually be more inclined to go to this.

I never understand this mindset.
if you want a low key wedding why are you having a party at all?
And if you do want a party why not have it on the same day as the wedding?
Find it very weird

how is a party 9 months after the event any more hassle than a party on the day?

This is my favourite type of "wedding". Relaxed etc. Enjoy!!! It's a celebration of yoir happiness. :-)

We did this. Small immediate family-only wedding, reception two months later. Everyone came and I wore my dress again.