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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

246 replies

BlackCube · 11/03/2025 09:48

Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

OP posts:
PurBal · 11/03/2025 20:24

I've done it once and I wouldn't do it again no.

Cordorr · 11/03/2025 20:37

God yes! A colleague of mine got married very privately then had a massive celebration bash at his (massive) house. Go for it!

Maladie · 11/03/2025 22:21

I'm still not quite getting how and when you'd drop the information. The gist on this thread is people will be fine at being invited to a celebration that is not a wedding. That bit's fine. However the longer you keep it a secret, the less it comes over as honest and upfront, which is the key IMO to it being a success. You want your guests to feel included and welcome, and it's hard to do that when the message some might hear is that you've been keeping this important news from them for a year.

I would announce that you got married soonish, and say party to follow in 2025 - watch this space.

Magnastorm · 11/03/2025 23:38

BlackCube · 11/03/2025 16:01

Too weird to bother attending?

I'm actually not asking if this is the normal way of doing things. I know it isn't.

I'm asking if you'd want to go if a friend or family member invited you.

You can say no, I'm fine with honest answers to the question I asked. We wouldn't bother organising a party if the concensus was that hardly anyone would come! And I wouldn't want people coming if they were going to be upset about how weird we were being.

Though from the thread I think a lot of people would come.

Show quote history

No, I'd go to a party if invited and I wouldn't be offended or anything.

But you can't call it a wedding or a wedding party if you got married a full year before the party actually happens, just like you can't have a 40th birthday party if you are 41.

strawlight · 11/03/2025 23:46

I agree it’s the secrecy element of it that’s odd. No issue with people eloping or marrying quietly, but just tell people when you’ve done it if you want a party at a later date. Or don’t tell them if you don’t want the celebration. Springing it on them a year later is a bit weird, like “look at us, we did a crazy thing”

Some friends of ours had an entire pregnancy and baby without anyone knowing and announced it a couple of weeks after the birth. They had some reasons (and the lockdowns helped them hide it!) but it upset a few people including their own parents and siblings.

BettyBardMacDonald · 12/03/2025 00:42

Well said, @Magnastorm

There has to be some plausible relationship between the "milestone" and the timing of the party.

Either one wants a wedding with guests or one doesn't. You can't exclude people and then expect them to get all excited nearly a year and a half after a private thing they weren't welcome at. Come on.

HappyChilli · 12/03/2025 02:58

I have friends doing the same thing later this year. They actually eloped about 5 years ago and never had a party. Now they’ve decided they want to have one. I can’t wait! Celebrating love and joy with good friends, the timing is interesting but certainly not an issue in my opinion. Have fun!

PinkCatInATree · 12/03/2025 08:16

Frankly I've driven 300 miles for a 'do' before and if you are my close friends I wouldnt need you to spell out wedding party ... you'd only need to say come for a party and I'd be there!

WorthyBlueHare · 12/03/2025 08:21

I would attend, I would also attend a birthday party or a party for any other reason if I liked the person. You’re over thinking it. Have fun!

Bluenotgreen · 12/03/2025 08:26

I totally understand why you’re getting married the way you are. Very sensible. I really hope my adult DC do the same.

Re the party next summer; no. You can’t have wedding in the title.

I would call it “Black Cube Summer Extravaganza” and then tell people on the day that you are celebrating your marriage.

merrymelodies · 12/03/2025 08:32

Absolutely! We were married in Europe - the civil wedding in June followed by a church wedding in October. It's common practice.

crumblingschools · 12/03/2025 08:43

For me the best part of a wedding is seeing the couple say their vows. Can take or leave the rest! I would find it odd going to a party so much later after you had actually got married. We had relatives who did the registry office bit alone apart from 2 witnesses (who were friends). Then did the party but a few weeks later. Where they held the party wasn’t registered for weddings but had some meaning to them. At the time of planning they thought the registry office was just a formality and wouldn’t really have any significant emotional feeling but actually on the day it did. They regretted not having close relatives there.

Some friends had their wedding party in a field (think festival vibe) so had registry office bit first, which again was just them and witnesses, but they came straight to the field afterwards and so were full of the excitement of just being married, which was sweet.

The gap between you legally getting married and the party is too long. Only exceptions I would probably make are for people who got married in say COVID restricted times and had to have a celebration later

Winter2020 · 12/03/2025 09:21

BlackCube · 11/03/2025 17:41

I'm not going to go into all the ins and outs, but it wouldn't be possible to have any party before next Easter at the earliest and then you might as well do it in the summer for the weather - where we live it's never going to be very warm but with luck in mid summer it might be warm enough to sit outside without a coat.

So it's then or even later or not at all, because we are not cancelling our appointment at the registry office. It's taken us long enough to get round to it and we've already paid.

I do realise it is unusual to leave such a big gap even for people who leave a gap, but hopefully if we do this it won't be offensively unusual for the people who love us. I've had people calling me weird my whole life and it stopped bothering me after secondary school, but I have no desire to upset anyone.

Hi OP,
Responding to your "I have no desire to upset anyone" comment.

I have wondered if you have a non typical mind. I'm not prying and not pushing you to say as it's none of my business but it might make it relevant for me to say that typically friends won't mind that you have got married in private as long as they are not lied to e.g. as many have suggested a "party to celebrate your marriage" rather than a wedding.

I would say that typically parents would be upset to learn that their child had married privately and without letting them know their plans and will need time to come to terms with it.

If your parents are not deceased and not estranged I think it would be much kinder to let them know about your wedding before you marry even if they are not invited. If you absolutely can't do that then as soon as possible after. It is likely they will be very hurt if they find out much later or at the same time/ after your friends.

I think the sibling reaction to your wedding reveal could go either way. They might be hurt or they might not.

Do you have kids OP? If so would you mind if they got married without letting you know? Would you mind if Joe Bloggs down the road knew before you and asked you about it and you didn't know?

Welshmonster · 12/03/2025 09:34

Two of my cousins did something similar. Both got married overseas and then held a wedding party in UK for everyone.

They got to wear their wedding dress again etc so definitely a party vibe. Nobody cared they missed the ceremony. It was nice to have a party and see family.

just get a date booked so people can start saving if they have to travel far

Original poster
BlackCube · 12/03/2025 09:59

My SIL actually did this as well as one other couple I know - they'd been married for a year before she told anyone. I know of two other couples who have been openly married for a good few years and are 'getting around' to having a party (whether it will ever materialise is another question 😄). Another of my SILs and a few other long term couples with children I am fairly sure they are married but they've never said anything. Only one SIL had a little wedding.

It genuinely seems fairly normal where I live, but my parents are British and perhaps they would be upset. I mean, I'd like to think that they know me well enough to understand why we would do this even if maybe there are some cultural differences that I honestly hadn't realised. But maybe it would be safer all round just to keep this an entirely private affair.

No I wouldn't mind if my children got married in private. That would be very hypocritical of me, wouldn't it!

OP posts:
FurzeNotGorse · 12/03/2025 10:11

We were married about five years before anyone found out, and then it was only a matter of me forgetting we hadn’t said. No one was pierced to the core at not having got to put on a fascinator five years earlier. We were both very clear that getting married by ourselves with two witnesses was the only way we were ever going to do it, so there was never going to be a big wedding with speeches and meals.

OP, I think you should prioritise your own wishes. Do exactly what you’d like. Throw a party later if you want to, and call it whatever you fancy. I think Mn has a bee in its bonnet about it being some kind of major deception not to be invited to the legal bit, even if the legal bit is a matter of writing your name in an office and happens the same day as the party.

Original poster
BlackCube · 12/03/2025 10:13

That's why I asked on here I suppose, to get a mainstream British perspective because really I already know that everyone here would be fine with this, including my partner's family. But my family and a lot of my friends are British.

I knew we had some different attitudes around marriage, like here it's normally something you do after kids, but I didn't realise it was considered so significant by some people in the UK to be public about marriage if not immediately then at least shortly afterwards. So this has been interesting.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 12/03/2025 10:21

We had a simple wedding, no bridesmaids, did have best man but would have managed without, no first dances, did have speeches but again don’t have to have them, no fancy cars, no top table. Did have sit down meal but could have had a buffet. You don’t have to have all those extra bits. Can understand if you want small private wedding as you don’t want everyone looking at you but then seems odd to have a party long time afterwards which would be all about look at us we are married.

Amba1998 · 12/03/2025 10:23

Yes. But I think it’s a non question. It’s like saying would you go to someone’s birthday party a month after their birthday. Why would that be an issue?

it’s a party. You don’t “need” a reason for a party. People like parties.

crumblingschools · 12/03/2025 10:32

@Amba1998 I would think it odd to go to someone’s birthday party six months after their birthday, unless it was at an event eg concert

UrbanFan · 12/03/2025 10:34

Can I come please? A wedding celebration without the phaff of a wedding. Brilliant.

FurzeNotGorse · 12/03/2025 10:35

Amba1998 · 12/03/2025 10:23

Yes. But I think it’s a non question. It’s like saying would you go to someone’s birthday party a month after their birthday. Why would that be an issue?

it’s a party. You don’t “need” a reason for a party. People like parties.

Indeed. After the end of Covid, it seemed as though every weekend had the fiftieth birthday of someone we knew, and who was often fifty-one or fifty-two, because they’d turned 50 during lockdown.

Original poster
BlackCube · 12/03/2025 10:36

Haha my partner actually has had birthday parties 6 months away from his birthday because his birthday is very close to Christmas and a bad time for a party. Why not? He called them 'half birthdays' though.

OP posts:
FurzeNotGorse · 12/03/2025 10:37

crumblingschools · 12/03/2025 10:21

We had a simple wedding, no bridesmaids, did have best man but would have managed without, no first dances, did have speeches but again don’t have to have them, no fancy cars, no top table. Did have sit down meal but could have had a buffet. You don’t have to have all those extra bits. Can understand if you want small private wedding as you don’t want everyone looking at you but then seems odd to have a party long time afterwards which would be all about look at us we are married.

There are all kinds of reasons to want a small, private wedding, though. Nothing to do with ‘not wanting people to look at you’. I love attention. We still got married in jeans with two witnesses.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 12/03/2025 10:42

Your title is misleading, OP. You won't be inviting people to a wedding or a "wedding". You will be inviting people to a party to celebrate your marriage. You can have a party to celebrate whatever you want to celebrate and people can choose to come or not come. You'll probably find that the people who do come are the ones you're happiest to have there.