Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

[BlackCube]

Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

@FurzeNotGorse but OP specifically states they don’t want people looking at them, so to then have a party 6 months later to celebrate their marriage, it will be all about them at the party even if not a formal do.

We treated our wedding as a big all-day party to celebrate our marriage. I can’t see it makes any difference when the marriage actually takes place as long as it isn’t too long before.

Yeah it would be our party, but there wouldn't be any elements of performance so no reason for everyone to be looking at us as we do something, or everyone looking at us as someone else gives a speech about us. Just normal chatting and mingling like at any other party. I think that's quite different. It's not that I don't want people to see me, it's that we don't want to put on a show.

But so what, if that’s the way they want it? It’s perfectly permissible to like attention in certain situations and not others, surely?

However much you say ‘Dress casually, and put the children in play clothes so they can run around’, some people hear ‘wedding’ and start getting out their heels and fascinators, and cramming their children into frilly dresses and miniature suits. The OP doesn’t want that. She doesn’t want speeches etc. she’s happy to have a different type of attention at a party without wedding connotations.

@BlackCube but you don't have to put on a show at a wedding. And if people think the party is about celebrating a marriage then they may act as if they would if the party had been straight after the ceremony. I would not make reference to wedding/marriage for the delayed party, just have a party. You might not get all the people you would have done at a wedding party but that is the risk when you don't have a 'conventional' wedding

If I was being asked to travel 6 hours to a wedding, I would probably do that (depending on who the invite was from). 6 hours to travel to a party to celebrate a marriage when you had already been married for 6 months, less likely.

I would probably go if I liked the people but I wouldn't spend a lot of money on travel and accommodation.

OP the only formal part of our wedding was the fact we dressed up for the registry office. We had a boat party and didn't tell the boat company what the occasion was and we didn't have any traditions such as cake, speeches etc. You don't have to do all that! We had 30 guests and that was it. No photographer, my dad took a few nice pics with his big camera.

That sounds lovely for you, I'm sure you had a great day.

We are getting married next Thursday, just us at a registry office.

Yes absolutely! I've been to a couple of these previously where the couple had had a small private wedding at an earlier date. One was very much presented as a "wedding reception", the other as a party to celebrate a recent marriage. My friend is getting married in June - they are having a tiny civil ceremony near where her elderly dad lives and then a big party back here in July - not sure how "weddingy" it will be, I am just delighted to get to celebrate with/for her and her new husband.

The only time I have discreetly raised my eyebrows was a couple who had a insta-worthy clifftop ceremony in Portugal followed by a banquet for the guests who had jetted over, then a week after they got back they went to the register office and had their legal wedding. I thought what a pretentious faff, hauling your relatives to another country for a non-wedding. Surely it's not even a wedding blessing/reception unless you actually got married first, whether that's on the same day or some time before. Talk about trying to put the cart in front of the horse!

I feel like this is the same as the question

"if my birthday was on a Tuesday, would you come to my party on the Saturday? "

Yes of course.

Just be upfront about what the event is eg 'a party to celebrate our marriage'. This way guests know what to expect, and no one will feel misled.

Nowadays this sort of thing isn't uncommon.

I know of a couple who had a legal wedding and just invited family, as it needed to be near elderly frail relatives, then did another bigger party near friends. No fake ceremony, just a celebration of their wedding. I'm all for unconventional arrangements that suits the couple.

Tbf it's more like saying "it was my birthday 8 months ago, would you come to my party on Saturday".

You know what? You are really my kind of person!! if we met in real life, I'm sure we'd be great friends😊

you want to be married (and indeed will be this Thursday!! Yay but you don't want a wedding! You'd like a party to celebrate, but just a fun party with people you care about & not a big song and dance of a formal affair of a wedding!! Where people can wear comfortable clothing and not feel all stuffed up in wedding gear where kids can behave like kids not shop dummies...

Anyone offended at that probably isn't worth worrying about in the first place!!

It is a bit of a shame that it just has to be a random date next summer quite a way away and not on your anniversary date, but you've already explained why that is, so it's understandable, just go ahead and organise it and I'm sure more than enough people will come to make it a brilliant day and something for you to remember!!

I hope everything goes well on Thursday and I'll be thinking of you!! And I hope your party next summer is a blast!!💕

Oh God, if only everyone did this instead of making hundreds of people trail off to Bali or somewhere at huge financial and ecological cost, for a bloody photo opportunity on a bloody beach in the broiling son, and all for a couple who had been legally married in a registry office the previous month.
Sorry, got carried away there. YANBU. Enjoy.

Congratulations on your wedding OP.

"Tbf it's more like saying "it was my birthday 8 months ago, would you come to my party on Saturday".

Exactly. There has to be some logic other than "meeeeeee! Celebrate meeeee!"

I turned 60 about 17 months ago. Can I still prevail upon everyone to interrupt their lives to meet me at a venue to "celebrate" my 60th birthday??

Absurd. The world moves on apace. No one is interested in using time and money to acknowledge long-stale events.

Especially weddings where the couple has been living for years as de facto spouses. Whoop-de-doo.

I agree , but I think it’s more like saying “ I think celebrating birthdays is pointless, so I didn’t mention to anyone that it was my 40th birthday 8 months ago. But now I’ve decided that celebrating birthdays is great fun and really important, so please come to my 40th birthday this July .

re the couples who live together , buy a house and have kids - cool , that’s great, im really happy for them, you do you . Except for the ones who sneer at others who decided to get married/have a civil partnership. You know the type

“ we don’t feel the need “
“ we are already soul mates “
“ our love is too pure and special for a piece of paper” et cetera

Then after 10 years and two kids , they just suddenly decide to have a huge wedding, white dress, bridesmaids etc and expect everyone to give them cash for a fancy “ honeymoon” because “ we already have everything we need ”.

I have to admit I didn’t, but for a variety of reasons. It was only one of a list that contributed.

1. It wasn’t a real wedding
2. It meant travelling a long way with small children and a dog and meeting my husband there as he was working overseas that week.
3. They didn’t invite kids despite it being entirely outdoors in a field. I couldn’t leave them behind and I wasn’t going to drag them the length and breadth of the country to be babysat while I went to a party.

I would go, it's a lovely idea. My cousin got married in New Zealand (where they were living at the time, not a destination wedding), so many friends and family were not able to attend. They live streamed the ceremony for those who were interested, and they're having a second reception later this year now they've moved back to the UK. I'm very much looking forward to going.

As long as you don’t call it a “wedding reception “, does anyone remember a fairly recent thread where the poster had eloped and got married abroad, with their parents (so not actually eloping. )
Then wanted a big “ reception “ later on and got all offended by something, can’t remember what !
But a lovely party to celebrate would be great !