Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

[BlackCube]

Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

Yes, I’d go! I’d send an invitation card with a photo of you two (and presumably your kids too if you wish) on your actual wedding day to announce beyond close family and put the party details inside. It’ll be a lovely surprise I’m sure and I imagine most will be thrilled to celebrate with you.

Yes I have been to 2 "wedding parties"
One was several years ago. Relatives 2nd marriage so they had small ceremony with their respective children only. Then couple months later they had large celebration.

The other one was close friends who got married in spring 2021 so couldn't have many people at a reception. They had their reception later in the year. I was very happy to attend both of these events

Honestly I think you're making it more complicated than it needs to be. I understand what you're saying about not telling people in advance as they'll want the fuss, but I think it's best to announce shortly after. I really don't see the point in the potential secrecy of never telling anyone, it's nice to be able to call them your husband and wear a nice wedding ring if nothing else. Plus (worst case scenarios) if something terrible happened people knowing you're married can make things easier legally.

We've been invited to a reception to celebrate the marriage of two of our friends (similar situation to you, together for years, two kids) and I'm looking forward to it. They've been upfront that the legal ceremony will be separate and that's family-only, so it's not that I'd be pissed off to miss that. I just think the secrecy is weird and would overshadow the news.

Something that was very successful at my wedding with the children during the party was glowsticks. It got the children from each side of the family out their chairs and interacting with each other. Even my quite shy relative came up and used them to build something (like k-nex)

Yes, and I have done!

The couple got married in a registry office with strangers as witnesses, then a few months later had a massive party. It was great! Not catered, everyone brought something, they had friends who were musicians who provided the live music.

It helped that they lived in a rural area and could borrow the field next to their garden for a marquee, and anyone who wanted to stay over could camp!

I went to a wedding last year of a couple who had been together over 30 years and had grown up children and a couple grandchildren. They also made it clear they were only doing it for paperwork purposes for inheritance. It was still a lovely celebration.

My cousin has just done this. My mum judged a bit but she and many other guests showed up and they had a good time. I think the event won them round.

We and most of my cousins didn't go, but that was because it was on a weekday in school term. I think they were probably expecting us to decline rather than take children out of school for it.

Just be honest, say you're already married, but they're invited to a party. Most people will come. But don't lie to the guests.

Throw a celebration of marriage party, don't pretend it's anything else and I'm sure your family will be want to come

that's a brilliant idea

Yes I'd be happy to go to a party to celebrate a recent marriage.

Just make it clear on the invitation so guests know what to expect, what to wear etc.

Sometimes it's cos you can't afford a big wedding. I married at 22 and we needed to in order to stay in the same country. I just had a registry event with 2 witnesses. We had zero money

I would have been happy with that but I got a lot of family pressure to have a celebration and dh kinda wanted some sort of event. But I didn't want to spend money before I bought a flat so it took me until I was 26 to buy in London (3 years to save up, 1 year in europe with dh until we returned to London). I was planning it the year after we bought the flat but covid happened and the wedding was supposed to be in my home country. It got delayed by another 2 years due to travel restrictions and quarantine requirements. So by the time I had my wedding, I was nearly 30 and it had been 7 years since my registry wedding. To be fair we only had 50 people, 48 were family members who basically haven't had a reunion since pre covid so for many of them it was the first time they were seeing each other all together outside of their 'bubbles' in 2 years. There were still restrictions on mixing outside the bubbles but it was kinda hard to enforce during a wedding and they would probably have been reported and fined at any other setting.

I cancelled my other ceremony in london cos it seemed a bit wtf at that point after 7 years married, the wedding in my home country was already paid for and at least it had the secondary function of being a family reunion. If I had to redo it, I am not sure I would do the wedding bit again though as I feel like I didn't really want it but bowed to family pressure though I am happy they got their reunion. I do like buying my wedding dress and the photos from that day though but perhaps I could just have dressed up and it was just us and some friends.

We got married abroad just the two of us (due to family difficulties) and then had the reception over here which was everything but the ceremony. It was a much smaller and more casual affair than if we’d had the big wedding but every guest we invited came!

Pretty cheap too for 2 big packs :)

That's like asking if you'd go to a birthday party that wasn't on someone's actual birthday, of course it's fine! It sounds fun, I wish SO MUCH we had done this.

Yes, I'd much prefer this to having to watch the ceremony

@Summer2025 But you were open about getting married, so it's not the same IMO

(So long as there isn't a mock ceremony, that I just don't get). Have the fun bit and don't pretend it's a wedding ceremony, it's a wedding party.

A friend was expecting a baby in 2020 and wanted to be married before baby arrived (immigration reasons more than anything else). Of course corona happened but they got married anyway with just their parents present.

In 2022 they had a big party at a beautiful restaurant. Even though there was no ceremony, it still felt like an occasion and we all had a lovely time celebrating the pair of them!

So I‘d definitely say- go for it! And congratulations 🥂

Thinking about this some more, I think it really depends (a) who you want to come, and (b) where they live. If people are going to travel and stay over, I think they expect more of an occasion and they will want to make a fuss of you, possibly expect speeches of some kind or at least something to make it different from a normal party. If they live nearby, then they'll be happy to just go to a fun party. When we cancelled ours (twice) due to Covid, we'd initially moved the party bit to the following year, and the guests were still happy to come. But then later when we thought about whether to rearrange again we realised that if we had a big party that was less connected to the wedding, we'd probably be inviting slightly different guests - more friends who live in our area, not so many aunts and cousins who live in different cities. Basically I think people (even if not consciously) assume that the amount of effort they have to put in to attend should be proportional to the 'importance' of the occasion.

Why are you waiting a year after getting married to have the parry?

Sorry if I misunderstood that part.

Go for it!

We had been together for many many years then got quietly married in a registry office and held a big party in our garden the next day. It was great fun and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves.

Our adult DC did similar and got married in quiet ceremony abroad then held a big party for the rest of the family and friends back home about 3 months later.

Informal parties are great fun, formal wedding do’s are hideously stressful. 😂

Mainly because ideally we'd do it in the summer for best chances of good weather and this summer is already pretty jam packed for many people we'd want to invite.

@BlackCube , absolutely I would and I’d be delighted for you both!

If people are going to travel and stay over, I think they expect more of an occasion and they will want to make a fuss of you, possibly expect speeches of some kind or at least something to make it different from a normal party. If they live nearby, then they'll be happy to just go to a fun party.

Why though? I'd travel and stay over for a party, a party sounds a lot more fun than a wedding with all the standing around and speeches etc.