Would you go to a 'wedding' if you knew they were already married?

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Just want to be realistic about this.

We are getting married in a registry office next week, just us two, and we haven't announced this to anyone. We've been together so long, own a house together, two kids, etc, that it is more of a formality than a great declaration that we plan to spend the rest of our lives together - I think at this stage everyone knows that's the plan 😄

I absolutely don't want to have a proper wedding (it's just not for me or DP) but we have considered maybe next year throwing a big party to let everyone know. It wouldn't be a fancy dress-up affair - maybe more like a big birthday party. Obviously it's a very loose idea in our minds still so no details, but we'd try our best to make it a fun well-catered party. Kids very much invited.

If we didn't have a party we'd probably never bring the matter up tbh. Is it a silly idea? Would you travel to attend a party that you knew wasn't an actual wedding?

P.S. No we wouldn't do this to get presents, no presents would be expected. Just to get rid of the 'secrecy' and to hopefully have a good day with friends and family without the performance elements of an actual wedding.

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I’d do it this Sept OP. It’s often quite warm still and I agree it’s too long a wait. Also having had a summer (August) wedding I can confirm most weekends were a wash out in the run up so I don’t think the season matters as much as we hope it will. I think there’d be more excitement around it if it was for just a month or so away.

I would absolutely travel to a party for any reason - I would be slightly miffed if it was touted as a wedding that I spent money on, bought gifts for, and then found out it wasn't a wedding.

I don't know, but we had to think about this quite carefully when deciding whether or not to re-organise our very long-delayed non-wedding party and I think it is accurate.

For myself, I'd travel for a party for a close friend, but to be honest, if it was a cousin I'm not super close to I'd probably do it for an actual wedding but not for just a party. It's also an effort you go to because you want to be there for the person whose occasion it is. And if the person is not having an occasion, you don't feel you need to support them as such, so you only go if it works easily for you (which it wouldn't if I had to get a dog sitter and then find accommodation for my whole family).

As someone who hasn't told anyone about being married, there is an awkwardness to it because people occasionally ask you and you have to lie to their face and worry people will wonder why you lied. It also feels a bit weird when you fill in forms and put married amd hope noone does an ancestry search!

And heaven forbid one of us dies, it will come out when the other is administering administering estate.

There is always a small risk you will split and then need to tell your family that it's not just a split but a need to do a full formal divorce for support.

So have your party! People love food, drinks and good company!

@BarnacleBeasley but a wedding party is an occasion? I'd still go for a cousin as it presumably acts as a family reunion (the only time I see half my family!) I think so long as they are clear it's a party people can decide for themselves, there's no need to artificially add some pomp and ceremony, that just confuses things and may make people feel the need to spend more on outfits, presents etc, making the event more formal which it sounds like OP is trying to avoid.

I think it's a good point and although we'd invite everyone we would theoretically invite to a wedding, I suppose I wouldn't expect those who had to travel furthest to prioritise it. That's kind of why I asked the question I suppose, since quite a few people would have to travel for at least a weekend. I know all the local people would come!

I would.

I think a gap of at least a year between wedding and party is too long.

I don't disagree at all, and it's fairly close to what we were considering, but it sounds like OP wants not to dress up, no speeches, no presents, not too much attention on the couple etc., and it'll be a year after the actual getting married part. So as much as it sounds like a really fun party, and one I'd love to have myself, I think she's right to be concerned that some people may not be as willing to make a lot of effort to come.

Would totally go to this. So much better than a formal wedding.

"Hey, you know that job I've been doing for the past twelve years?

Well, they've finally given me the contract, HR took forever to sort it all out.

I'm throwing a party at mine to celebrate, it's next Friday, thinking around seven o'clock, can you make it?"

🤔😏

Yes -

Yes, of course. The legal side of the actual marriage does not involve the guests at all.
I'd attend a wedding that wasn't legally binding, or a wedding party for people who'd got married before, or a party to celebrate someone's union without the word 'wedding'.
Lots of people have a legal ceremony then another wedding with a big family and friends party. Or even more than one if the families are from different countries/religions.

At first when I saw your title I thought you meant would we attend the wedding of a bigamist?! Haha. Maybe that one not so much 🤣

you can throw a party for any reason.

but best to tell people it's to celebrate your wedding held (whenever) and make it clear it's not an actual wedding taking place on the day of the party, it's just a party to celebrate.

This. Whether I would go depends on the closeness of my relationship with the couple.

Of course I'd go..love a good knees up me

I think it's inevitable that your immediate family will be upset - don't you? That doesn't mean that you have to invite them but just try to tell them in as sensitive way as you can and try to explain why you have chosen to have no guests.

Some family will be upset but no doubt they will get over it. If it is for example because one set of parents are deceased and so it is painful to have that hole in the guest list then explain that and it will help them to come to terms with it.

I don't think keeping it a secret forever is a great option. Won't you want to change your name for example? Wear wedding rings?

I'm going to such a party in the summer and I'm really looking forward to it!
The invite says something like.. Surprise, We got married!
We're are celebrating our marriage with a party/buffet/disco and would love it if you could join us.
I don't think this is strange at all and like I said we're all looking forward to it.

Your thread title and your intention aren't really the same thing.

i'd very happily come to what you have planned, but I do anything to avoid another 'fake' wedding.

The couple had already got married at a registry office but then held a fake ceremony, even with a fake signing of the registry. It was just cringe, total cringe. They would have to be a major reason for it happening for me to ever go through that again. (I knew) the majority of the guests just felt they've been made fools of and had stressed about suitable wedding clothes and presents, et cetera, it was not good.

A second time my ex brother-in-law was getting married and only found out a few days before the wedding that the divorce his wife to be had said it was finalised actually wasn't (it was her lack of understanding, not deliberately misleading him) as it was a big family wedding and lots and lots of planning to get elderly family there, et cetera they went ahead with only them my partner (his brother) and me knowing it wasn't legal!! Then they just quietly got married at a registry office once her divorce was actually official. That didn't seem so bad as they hadn't planned.'fake' ceremony.

But as I say, what you have planned sounds great and I'd be very happy to come and celebrate with you. If you can arrange it to be on your wedding anniversary, that would be lovely.

No, I suppose I didn't think it was inevitable. Is it??? They all know we're committed to each other.

Nobody will be changing any names or wearing any rings. It won't change anything about our relationship except the legal status, which we think is a sensible thing to do and have been meaning to sort out for ages.

Perhaps that means we shouldn't bother with a party, but we thought it would be fun!

Whatever you do OP don't let the venue know it's a wedding party. The price will go up

I think she's right to be concerned that some people may not be as willing to make a lot of effort to come.

Those people probably wouldn't be missed though, so it shouldn't matter.

Yes I would love to attend a party. I think it does sound fun, definitely do it and enjoy it ☺️ - doing it as an anniversary party perhaps would avoid the venues and caterers charging over the odds

I thought this was pretty common? When you get married unless you are in a religious setting or somewhere with a licence, you still have to get married formally at a registry office. Me and everyone else I know had to do this before our wedding ceremonies/parties (so we were all already formally married at the time of what others would consider to be our ‘wedding’). Is the difference here that you wouldn’t be doing the ‘ceremony’ at your party and just having the party? Of course that is absolutely fine, you can do whatever you want and people will be happy to celebrate with you.